Barney Stinson: The Bro Code

If a Bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after canvassing the group.

NOTE: To avoid confrontation, it's a good idea for the Bro to jettison the receipt before returning to the party.

A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro's sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, "Dude, your sister's hot!"

COROLLARY: It's probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over.

□ Hide all pictures of hot sisters, moms, and first cousins.

□ Open liquor bottles and dust the bar area to give the impression you actually use it.

□ As a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to the bathroom.

□ Scan DVR playlist and remove embarrassing television programs like daytime talk shows.

□ Open all windows.

□ Display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality.

□ Disconnect answering machine, or…

□ Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive.

□ Coasters, coasters, coasters!

□ Sign out of email account.

□ Usher girlfriend/booty call off the premises.

A Bro respects his Bros in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.

A Bro never shares observations about another Bro's smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying, "She's smoking-hot, huh?" a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he's the only one who should be baiting.

There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro.

Women make excellent Bros. Why? Because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that comprise the Chick Code.

Yes, I'm afraid so. One morning, just before slipping out the door while my hostess was in the shower, I happened upon a copy of the rumored tome. I didn't have time to flip much past the pink bedazzled cover, but here are some of the phrases I remember seeing on the frilly pages within:

• A chick shall not sleep with another chick's ex-boyfriend, unless she does.

• A chick never pays for anything. Ever.

• If two chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than simply stripping down and wrestling it out.

• If a chick hears a chick-empowerment song like "I Will Survive," she shall stop whatever she's doing, grab another chick's hand, and shriek the lyrics at the top of her lungs.

• A chick may get a dog as a pet, but only if it fits in her mailbox.

• If two chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to accidentally spill a drink on the other.

• A chick shall not operate a motor vehicle in a safe manner.

• A chick has a free pass to slut it up on Halloween.

When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boohs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women's athletics, and on some occasions, surgery programs.

When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o'clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

A Bro doesn't let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girl's name.

The average relationship between a man and a woman lasts eighty-three days. The relationship between a man and his skin lasts a lifetime and must be nurtured, because as we all know, the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has.

TRANSLATION: "Hey, everybody, look at me! Not only have I made the foolish mistake of choosing a lifetime of monogamy, but I have permanently branded myself as off limits."

TRANSLATION: "Hey, everybody, look at me! This band looks like a scar of manhood that I earned after my village banished me to the hinterlands for seven days with no food or water… like in that Kevin Bacon basketball movie."

TRANSLATION: "Hey, everybody, look at me! I have a fearsome dragon on my arm! Are you scared? Good, because I'm hoping this baby wards off intruders from my mom's basement, K

TRANSLATION: "Hey, everybody, look at me! I'm governed by an Eastern philosophy, as these significant Cantonese and/or Mandarin characters chiseled into my flesh may or may not indicate. If I spoke or read this particular language, perhaps I could explain my perspective more clearly, but I guess you'll just have to take the scary-looking tattoo artist's word for it I know I did."

TRANSLATION: "Hey, everybody, look at me! There's an important message inked on my fingers. It has to be ten letters or less and you can only read it when I'm waterskiing or getting arrested, but still, it's an important message that wholly represents my creed."

Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cellphone on a belt clip.

A Bro never removes his shirt in front of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach.

COROLLARY: A Bro with a coat of fur on his back keeps that thing covered at all times, even at a resort pool or the beach. Sorry, Bro.

A Bro willy in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight.

A Bro must, in a timely manner, communicate the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety (Henceforth " girl fight"), in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A "timely manner" is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro's viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, carrier pigeons, fiber optics, shouting, postcards, and telepathy. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video, or, barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime.

If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 pm. Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.