Timong Lightbringer - Russia News

- Hello, hullo, ladies and gentlemen, misters and sisters ! We are glad to … Heck, I’m gonna to to think and speak like I am a foreigner with such speed !

Ghm, I’m sorry, my respected watch-ers, see-ers, stare-ers, and finally just the ones, who did not find anything better than to stupidly roll on a sofa in front of the TV this silent Sunday evening ! “Russia News” telecast is in the ether, and I, its permanent, though not immortal, figure, Vladimir Vladimirovich Pupkin.

Yes, all of us have awaited this unforgettable and inexcusable moment for a long while – and it has come at the long last ! After showing numerous respects, accustoming and toadying of our journalists He finally agreed to give exclusive interview in our, Russian television studio, located in Chicago. The One elected for the sake of freedom and democracy in all civilized North American continent. The One received the Award Of Peace on the public who was shocked and stunned by such impudence. The One, who prefers to conduct a vegetarian way of life without departing from the White House. The One, who has promised so much, and will promise even more. Taliban’s bane and Al-Kaide’s horror. A needle in a haystack, a genius among those who lack talent, wise man among fools. A ray of light in the empire of darkness, damn it !

But, enough of flatter epithets ! Meet Him - Barrack Hussein Obama, the president of the Jointed States of America in person!

The door slams open in a television studio and Barrack Obama enters. His face, even black, is saddened even more, dark streams of unknown origin flow down his once snow-white shirt. His eyes express a mix of alarm, bewilderment and anger.

Obama: Shit! Niggas shit ! Black as we are !

VVP: President Obama, what’s wrong with you ?

Obama( wipes the face with one of his shirt’s sleeves ): Chose me? Hate me ! First chose, then not like ! Damn niggas ! Hiroshima, Niggersaki ! Nuke you, bastards ! ( waves a fist of the right hand before a television camera ).

VVP: Errmm..can I help you in any way ? It’s a custom tradition to bring a glass of water in such cases.

Obama( looking around in a fright ) : Water? No water ! Water turns black as oil ! Mississippi, Lousiana! Niggas trick!

VVP: Mr. President, are you even in a correct condition to participate in our interview? And are you totally and inevitably sure you do not need any sort of help ?

Obama( continuing to look around in a search of the nonexistent enemy ) : Help? No help ! We help, not us ! All world, we help ! Bring democracy, spread it ! Like gardening, like me’s wife !

VVP: Oh, yeah, the topic of democratization of a free world in the American style is in the today’s agenda.

Obama: ( with considerably increased activity, swinging hands, from which the splashes of dark substance continue flowing, having partially soiled the camera of one of the operators ) : Yep! Democracy ! Holy shit, we did ! This way, that way, everyone gets ! Refuses – gets bomb ! No nukes, no Hiroshima, we merciful ! Agrees, makes slave. Lotta concubines, lotta’fun !

VVP: Well, it seems to me that now you have very diplomatically and politically correctly mentioned a subject of so-called “color” revolutions, whose rain has recently spilt near the borders of our country…

Obama( continuing to gesticulate actively ) : We help, we buy! Lotta money, lotta credits ! Lotta printing job ! Take whole ! Democracy matters, country not matter, money not matter, no ! We good, we help ! Bring holy shit ! ( Obama's face blurs in a smile ). Wanna shit? ( scratches out the piece which has dried up from the once flowing liquid and stretches it forward to the V.V.P. ).

VVP: Faugh!

Obama: No want ? OK ! Next time, you take – we will, we make ! Demooocraaazzy! ( jumps out of a table and starts to jump actively about the room of the television studio) .

VVP: Well, well. So, democracy as an element of the poisoning and decomposing “soft force” …

Obama: Exactly ! We wise, learned well ! Make sex, no love, make war, not peace ! … Shitty piece ! ( tears off the next piece of the dried up evil-smelling substance from his face ).

VVP: Oh, heck, if you are really that wise …

Obama( jumping about a hall and clapping in palms in joy ) : We smart, wise ! We Yankees ! Like monkeys ! Monkeys wise, humans from monkeys, we from monkeys too !

VVP: As far as I know, there is just a telecast “In fauna” in the next room of the studio …

Obama: We strong ! We come, killed all natives, lotta blood ! We learned ! Doesn’t matter who, we still kill ! Arabs, Russians, Latins, all same ! Lotta blood ! We mighty ! ( grins in a television camera )

VVP: And so now you are face-deep in a shit …

Obama: No ! We OK, all OK ! Still eat, still sleep, still exist – all normal !

VVP: Well, and does torments of conscience not haunt you? Say, faces of killed Iraq children, occurring in your mirrors in the mornings ?

Obama: Soul ? What soul ? We need no soul, we save no soul ! No SOS, no … asses ! We save ass, that’s all ! Fat ass, we take care ( poses his *ss before the nearest television camera, which has approached just in time ). Pretty simple, eh?

VVP: As they say, it looks like you have just dotted one's "i's" and cross one's "t's" without even noticing.

Obama: What ? Me not understand ! Me’s yankee, dunno forget that !

VVP: OK! ( aside, in a whisper ) Oh hell, how I do agree with you now, my black-assed colleague !

Obama( having calmed down and again having taken seat for a table ) : More talk, no? Me good talker ! Me talks, talks, talks … no deeds, just talks ! Lotta fun !

VVP: Yeah, it’s really difficult to neglect your oratory skill.

Obama: Yep ! Democracy style ! Talk, talk, talk. Do different, keep talking ! Blah-blah-blah … great disguise !

VVP: But, apparently, the world starts to see through this illusion, for long time obvious to some...

Obama( looking around in fear ) : They see? Who see ? We not care ! Lotta money, mouth shut ! We talk, no they ! Silence, no mass media – we are media ! All equal, some equal more ! Democracy!

VVP: Now, apparently, I am starting to understand, why such a popular and defiled word starts exactly with the “D” letter …

Obama( in confusion ) ? D…dunno ? No ? De…despots ? We kill despots for oil ! D…dinners ? We good dinners, fat asses ! D … devil ? We fight devil, we Empire of Goodness ! Gut bless us !

VVP: Excuse me, I take it that what you really wanted to say is “God bless us” ?

Obama: God ? No, we know no God ! We forget. We just kill. Just eat, sleep, drink. Again, again. Endless circle, no end. We Gut Nation! Damnation!

VVP: So, does this really mean that you do not consider yourselves as chosen nation, destined to make happy millions of unknown people by democratizing them … to the death ?

Obama: We are ! Are we !? Chosen ! Like Jews, like Britain ! Holy three ! Arabs no chosen, Latins no chosen, we chosen ! Niggas no chosen… shitty niggas! ( catches on tongue the drop of excrements of voters, which has flown down from hair, and spits it out with passion in the face of the V.V.P. ). You not chosen, too !