Alexander Theroux - Darconville’s Cat

—from Linda Pallant, the finished

product,

—from Assma, the sheeny poetess,

—from Mother Brownrigg, the despicable

rudas,

—from Giulia Farnese, concubine

di Papa Alessandro VI,

—from Zipporah the Desertable,

—from Kali the Black Mother,

—from Mesdames Goursey and Barnes,

the Abington scrubbers,

—from Anne Boleyn, the princess of

plackets,

—from Lady Pecunia and her encomium,

—from Queen Tiy, who did her thutmose,

—from Marozia, la grande horizontale ,

—from La Belle Dame Sans Merci,

the terrible frictrix,

—from Madame la Mort and the xvi

gromettes in her stable,

—from Lady Giacoma Rodogina,

the engastrimythion prophetess,

—from Dame Trot and her basket of

eggs,

—from Aloysia Weber the Unavailable,

—from the Wife of Bath and her yvel

preef,

—from Franceschina, tanakin of the

Low Countries,

—from Miss Flannigan, the Winnipeg

Whore,

—from the Great Whore of Revelations,

—from Signora Cianculli, the soapmaker

of Reggio,

—from Roxana, Countess of Wintelsheim,

—from Mary Powell Milton,

the troublesome hindermate,

—from Proserpina, Crowned Empress

of the Nether Clefts of Hell,

—from Queen Athaliah, court wanton,

—from Boadicea, the bullying bubble,

—from Katherine de Vausselles,

the wheencat,

—from Aerope the andromaniac,

—from Mademoiselle Maximum

the maculate,

—from Volumnia, iron-boweled mother

of Coriolanus,

—from Penelope Whorehound, harlot

of Bridewell,

—from Madeleine Amalaric, the nativity

caster,

—from The Red Queen and her scarlet

queynt,

—from Vidosava, wife of Vojvoda

Momcilo,

—from Procne, filiocide,

—from Anna Keller Haydn,

the spoonpinching greedigut,

—from Melusine, the kitchen malkin,

—from Creseide, the cold-hearted

enjôleuse ,

—from Tubby Ursula, the Fatness

of the Fair,

—from Erichtho the Karcist,

—from bat-eyed Madame du Deffand,

notre dame de lorette ,

—from Vittoria Corombona, the devil

in crystal,

—from Lucilla and her curious curio,

—from Mamaloi, the twigger of the

West Indies,

—from Athé, heron-thighed goddess

of peevishness,

—from Livia Augusta, the leporine,

—from Mother Laquedem the Yenta,

—from Niphleseth, queen of the

chitterlings,

—from the Phrygian Cybele and her

eunuch pontifesses,

—from Mademoiselle Scudéry, the urning,

—from the Lady Dunya, the land-frigate,

—from Isis, the female pope of secret

religions,

—from the Princess Badroulbadour,

out of the tomb,

—from Madame de Maintenon

and her beavroys and

ridinghoods. .”

Then the “Lacrymosa” began: the grief in the musical flats of the long mournful lament, like fatal heartache, repeatedly sobbing themselves out like ancient questions, and Crucifer now, almost as if turning away from himself, as if now leaving the exequies involved in the burial of a thousand corpses to the unearthly infection of the music alone, revolved, drifted, around the room, almost hypnotized himself, his hands down by his sides as though they were both dead, but he never stopped the murmuring. It was incessant, brutal, eternal.

“—from the Blue Hag of Leicester, libera nos, Domine

—from Asenath Waite, the psychovore,

—from Queen Hiera, the cuckquean,

—from Ramping Alice and her riggish

zooks and mawks,

—from Aello, Ocypete, and Celeno, the

triple extract of infamy,

—from Roxalana, the quean

of bawdreaminy,

—from Hélène Kuryagin, the otorva ,

—from the Women of the Sidhe,

—from Queen Quintessence and her

rhubarb soul,

—from Undine, the wayward watersprite,

—from Baba Yaga, bronzestrops

and blowze,

—from Elizabeth Sawyer, the Witch

of Edmonton,

—from Alcina, the flatbacker,

—from the Duchess of Wonderland,

—from the bandit Lara and her cyprian

patrol,

—from Amine, the wicked inquisitrix,

—from Lizzie Eustace, the sorceress

unsorcelled,

—from Termagant, Mohammed’s

shrewish wife,

—from Julie de Lespinasse, la liaisonesse ,

—from Europa who diddled a bull,

—from Mutter Frauenwelt, die Herrinnen

der Herren,

—from the Yakshas of the Himalayas,

—from Thel, the small-souled theme,

—from the Lady Governors of the Old

Men’s Home at Haarlem,

—from Gabrina the jillet,

—from Mistress Alice Arden, stabfiend,

—from Sappho, the silly gousse ,

—from Lucretia Estense Borgia,

the lycanthrophile,

—from Alyona Ivanovna the pawnbroker,

—from Yolara of the moon pool,

—from the Comtesse d’Orgueil,

the Duchesse d’Argent, and Madame

de Grandes Titres, the unpartial

daughters of necessity,

—from Gulfora, Queen of the Sabbat,

—from Odette de Crécy and her

cotqueanity,

—from Ixtab, Mayan goddess of suicide,

—from Minerva and her celestial trollops,

—from Belphoebe, the perforated virgin,

—from Gort à Bhaile, the femina of

famine,

—from Madame Anima and her firehaired

procuresses,

—from Queen Draga of Serbia,

the belly-bumper,

—from Eriphilem, the callat of boundless

tongue,

—from Mother Waterhouse the Spaewife,

—from Blouzelinda, the princess

of pillicocks,

—from Dame Hulda and her apparitions,

—from Jeannie Alexander, the wheezing

arrhenopiper,

—from Circe, the chaterestre, the chevese,

the chydester,

—from Locusta, poisoner

of the Roman court,

—from Alecto, Tisiphone, and Megaera,

the fustilarians,

—from Gnathenion, who pillaged poets’

pockets,

—from Isabel Rawsthorne, than whom none

here is more loathsome. .”

The window had grown almost dark in the dusk, the faintest twilight throwing lengthening shadows across the unlit room. As he heard her name, profaned so familiarly in the mouth of this huge creature built like an oversized marabout, Darconville lost his heart in a downrush of total despair and he looked away, tears now running down his cheeks.

“—from Clepsydra and her hourglass, libera nos, Domine

—from Mother Shipton of

Knaresborough,

—from Beatrice Ambient, the dewclaw,

—from Umm al Samim, mother of poison,

—from Mephitis, goddess of sulphur,

—from Juno whose clitoris was

a thunderbolt,

—from Phaedra, the shameless sot,

—from Rhea and her midget dactyls,

—from Madame Box, the ranting meretrix,

—from Phyllis Grewsome, the

Washington protopopsha ,

—from Bathsheba, druggard and drazel,

—from Queen Tomyris, the beheading

kite,

—from Catherine de Medici, the

monstriferous matelot,

—from Eudoxia and her equipolances,

—from the Baroness Klara Ungnad,

weenie-trundler,

—from Maidhdeanbuain and her

superstitions,

—from Rapunzel the rampish-hearted,

—from Charlotte Corday, hysterical

virgin,

—from Baubo the Bawdstrot and her girls

whom none call maidens,

—from Januatica and her horrible old

sempiternal trots,

—from all the Little Pops of Hoggland,

—from Empress Theodora, harlot queen

of Byzantium,

—from Mariamne, the dawkin for a dolt,