Eshkol Nevo - Homesick

*

Hey, someone called. Amir and I walked out of the scrap yard to see who it was.

Are you looking for Reuven and Nehama’s kid? a teenager with bleached hair standing across the street with his friend shouted at us.

Yes, Amir said, but a year went by until the bleached hair answered us. They found him, he finally yelled.

Where? What? Is he OK? Amir asked, running towards him.

Yes, he just got lost, the bleached hair said as if he couldn’t care less, and his friend, the silent one, lit a cigarette. They found him in some old shack in the wadi.

But how … I mean, did anything happen to him? Amir asked.

Nothing.

Thank God. Thank God.

Yes, the bleached hair said, and from his tone, he sounded more disappointed than anything else. Well then, we’re gone, he said. If you see anyone else on the way, tell them too, OK?

OK.

After bleached hair and his friend had gone, Amir wiped the sweat off his forehead and said: wow, at times like this, even if I don’t believe in God, I thank him.

Yes, I said, and looked at him. He’d been quiet the whole time we were looking for Yotam. He’d kept his eyes down, his shoulders were stooped and his bottom lip gave this weird twitch every once in a while. But now everything had calmed down. And he looked tall and handsome again.

I don’t know what I would’ve done if … he said, and kicked a stone.

Once, I heard myself say, when Liron was little, I took him to the shops with me and when I went into the toilet I left his carriage outside and, like an idiot, I asked some security guard to keep an eye on it. When I came out, they were both gone. I thought I’d die. It turned out that the guard had gone to the loo as well and took the carriage inside with him. I almost killed him. The whole shopping centre came to watch me give him a piece of my mind.

I can picture it, Amir said and smiled for the first time in a long while.

We started walking back home. Amir hummed some melody I didn’t know, probably one of those songs he listens to at full volume on the other side of the wall, and I wondered whether it would be OK if I asked him about Noa now. On the one hand, I thought, a stone had just been lifted from his heart so do I want to drop a rock on it? On the other hand, I thought, I hate not knowing things.

I was thinking so much that I bumped into him while we were walking. An electrical current ran through my elbow. Sorry, I said, and he laughed and said, it’s OK.

So how are you getting along now? I found the courage to ask. And I was sure that he’d ask me, what do you mean? Because all the men I know act like morons when you ask them about feelings. But Amir looked down at his shoes walking along the pavement and said: the truth is that it’s not easy. All of a sudden, there’s this emptiness, you know.

Yes, I said, thinking: why ‘yes’? You married your first boyfriend and you’ve never been apart from him except for when he’s in the reserves, so how do you know it’s ‘yes’?

And the hardest thing, he went on, is that I don’t know what’s going on. If I were sure that we’re splitting up, I’d start hating her and focus on all the things that are wrong with her. But this way, it’s one of those annoying neither-here-nor-there situations.

Wait a minute, I said, I don’t understand. What exactly did you two decide?

I was sure she told you, he said, so surprised that he stopped walking.

No, I admitted. And the bitterness of knowing that she left without saying a word to me filled my throat again.

Amir was quiet, taking in the new information. Two dogs were rubbing against each other on the pavement in front of us, sniffing each other’s bottoms.

She went to Tel Aviv, he finally said. For three weeks. And then we have to decide what we’ll do.

Do you talk?

No, he said, and started walking again. I have no idea where she is, he said. She didn’t give me the phone number.

Maybe it’s better that way, I said, thinking: why are you giving him this bullshit? How could this be better?

Maybe, Amir said, and I saw his bottom lip give a slight twitch again.

We turned into HaGibor HaAlmoni Street, and I thought, we’ll be at Yotam’s house soon. There’ll be so many people there that I won’t be able to ask him anything, and who knows when we’ll have the chance to talk again.

What do your parents and hers say about it? I asked.

Our parents?! Amir said, looking at me in amazement, our parents don’t … My parents have been in the States for a year now. And Noa’s parents — well, she doesn’t really let them get involved in things like this.

Right, I thought, I never really did hear her talk about her family.

I know it sounds funny, Amir said, but neither one of us feels connected to our family. Maybe that’s what made us bond so tightly.

But there’s something I don’t understand, I said and stopped walking in the hope that he’d stop too.

What? he asked and stopped.

When you came here, you were like two lovebirds. So what … what happened? I hope you don’t mind my asking?

Amir looked at me with the same expression Noa always had when she started talking about him. The truth is, Sima, that I don’t know.

Strange, I thought. Usually, couples with problems know right away what the reason is. Mirit blamed it on her husband’s cheating. My cousin Ossi always said, even before her divorce, that she and her husband were both very stubborn. But with these two, Amir and Noa, you ask for a reason and their eyes start flitting around all over the place. What is it with you two?

I don’t know, Amir said again, as if answering the question I’d just asked in my mind, maybe … maybe we’re too perfect for each other.

I wanted to ask him, what do you mean, too perfect for each other? But he started walking again and looked away from me, as if he was tired of talking, and a minute later, we could already see the people crowded around Yotam’s house. This wasn’t the right time for more questions.

They asked for you not to come in, said an aunt I remembered from Gidi’s shivah . The doctor said that Yotam has to rest for a day or two without being disturbed.

Will he be all right? Amir asked, taking the words out of my mouth.

Yes, his aunt said. He was very lucky. That house where they found him was part of an Arab village that used to be here. They say that Arabs from the area still roam around there with their goats. I don’t want to think about what would have happened if they’d found him there now, what with all the terrorist attacks.

He really was lucky, I said. And his aunt said, God must have been watching over him. He’s just a little dehydrated. And the doctor said that he doesn’t even need a drip. He just has to keep drinking and rest.

That’s good, Amir and I said at exactly the same time, and then he said, so just send him hugs and kisses.

From who? the aunt asked.

From the neighbours, I said.

We said goodbye and started home. I walked slowly because I wanted to have a few more minutes with Amir. He didn’t walk fast either, and I hoped it was for the same reason. When we got to our door, I stopped and said, all’s well that ends well, and he smiled: yes, you can say that again. And I thought to myself that he has a really beautiful smile and that Noa is really a fool to let him go. If I had a man like him, who knows how to talk openly like that and who has broad shoulders like his, I’d keep him close to me and I’d never leave him the way she did.

OK, see you, he said, looking straight into my eyes.

I felt like telling him that he didn’t have to wait for Yotam to go missing again for us to see each other. I felt like telling him that I’m alone in the house in the morning. And so is he. But right then I heard the voices of Lilach and Liron through the window, so I just took a deep breath to keep myself from speaking those thoughts and said: if you need something, don’t be shy. Knock on my door, OK?