Eshkol Nevo - Homesick

I’m sure they care about you, I said, hearing how hollow and formal I sounded. I know they care about you, I said, trying again. I was at your house last week while you were at school and your mother told me that she’s very worried about your behaviour at school.

Yotam looked up in amazement. That’s what she told you? And before I could confirm it, the spark in his eyes died and he continued, I bet she’s worried. That’s the only thing they care about. My behaviour at school. All week I’m invisible, like that Dannydin in the book Gidi used to read to me, and the minute I bring a note home from school, they put on this good-parent act, look up from the albums, call me over and talk to me in a serious tone.

A bus thundered over to the stop across from where we were parked. It emitted a single passenger, like the whale spitting out Jonah. I waited until the passenger disappeared into the darkness and thought about how to put into words the thought that had been nagging at me since my conversation with his mother.

I chose to be direct and said: so that’s why you’re acting up in school, Yotam? So your mother and father will pay attention to you?

No, don’t be silly, he said with a smile that was too cynical for a child, I do it so they’ll pay attention to each other.

*

Moments when Noa is glad to be Noaandamir:

When he thinks she’s asleep and can’t hear, and he whispers words of love in her ear. She fakes deep breaths of sleep and in the morning says she slept like a log all night. And when he takes Yotam to a football match, or patiently explains which chess move would be right. Then she has a thought that makes her glad: he’ll make such a good father. And after another bad conversation with her mother on the phone, he looks at her in a way that makes her feel she’s not alone. She’s also happy when they play the new Nirvana disc, Unplugged , at full volume. She feels so good, so free, when they scream together with Kurt, ‘Come as you are, as a friend, as I want you to be.’ And when guys flirt with her at the café, she can tell them she has a boyfriend and it’s not a lie. And when he surprises her and comes to pick her up from college the day after a big fight, all the girls are so jealous they could cry.

*

Moments when Noa is sick of being Noaandamir:

After her shift, when a guy holding a bouquet of flowers is waiting for her in the street. And unlike the other men who always come on to her, he has a smile that’s very sweet. After five minutes of conversation, she knows that with this guy, unlike Amir, what you see is what you get. With him, it would be light and airy, simple and healthy, no sweat. In short, she didn’t have to be herself, he was no threat. So when can I see you? he asks, and she replies, trying to end the conversation: maybe in my next reincarnation. I think you’re very pretty, he says with a smile. Thank you, she says, blushing. He puts his hands together in a plea, and for a minute she’s almost tempted to say yes. But something shaky yet strong still clings to Amir. Even though they’re not having a very good year. Something inside her is curious about how this love will end. Without the interference of another boyfriend. Sorry, she says, I can’t. I’m involved with someone. And even though he smells so sweet, she walks away, leaving him standing there on the street.

Later, she walks into the house and Amir is reading and taking notes. She hovers around him for a while, thinking: should I tell him or not? She decides not to, what for? It’ll just make things even more tense than before. But as she turns to go to the shower, he looks up and asks: hey lover, did something happen at the café? And she thinks: it’s amazing how well he knows me. Then she says, no, everything’s OK. He looks at her for another minute and says, with some surprise in his voice: if you’re hungry, there are some stuffed peppers you can heat. Sima had lots left over from Shabbat, and brought some over for us to eat.

*

No thank-yous, please. Come in! I tell Noa. But she hands me the Tupperware box and says, no, I have work to do. She turns around to go, and then, as if two different women were arguing inside her the whole time, she suddenly says, you know what? Why not?

I close the door behind her and lead her to the living room. So, how were my stuffed peppers? She puts her hand on her chest and says, oh, they were fantastic. I can still taste them. Thanks, I say with a smile, picking up Lilach and putting her on my lap. I don’t know why, but I suddenly wanted to feel her close to me. I’ll give you the recipe if you want, I tell Noa, and she gives a little laugh, thanks, but I have no time to cook. Lately, my life is … I run around all day. I hardly have time to breathe.

You’re right, we really haven’t seen each other in a while, we haven’t talked, I say. Lilach wriggles out of my arms and reaches a hand out to Noa. Noa gives her a finger and Lilach closes her little fist around it.

I missed you, I say, and Noa laughs in embarrassment then leans over and gives Lilach a kiss on the cheek. I missed our conversations, I say and sound to myself like a pest.

Me too, Noa says, and even though she’s looking into my eyes, I don’t believe her. I think that for her other people are the sauce, not the main dish.

So tell me, were all of Moshe’s brothers here for Shabbat? she asks.

How do you know? I ask, a little surprised. Does she listen to us through the hole?

What do you mean how? she says with a laugh. From all those peppers!

Yes, I say and let out a breath, there were almost twenty people here for dinner. They all came to celebrate Grandpa Avram’s recovery.

So that’s it, he’s completely recovered? No more demons?

Mafish , Finished. The doctors say that his brain managed to get over what happened to it and that he’s functioning perfectly normally now. But don’t forget, they’re the ones who promised that his operation wasn’t dangerous.

That’s doctors for you. Actually, they’re always guessing. Sometimes they get it right and sometimes they don’t.

Yeah, I know.

That brother of Moshe’s, Noa says, softening her voice a little, was he here on Shabbat, the one called … Menachem?

Very nice of her to remember the name, I think, and say: yes, of course he was.

How is it between you two now? she asks. You can hear in her voice that she’s trying to sound more interested than she really is. But it’s nice of her to even try.

I think he’s afraid, I say, after all that happened with the kindergarten, because you wouldn’t believe how careful he is with me.

So you won, Noa says.

Only for the time being, I say. After Passover, kindergarten registration starts for next year and I bet you a million pounds that it starts all over again. That Menachem is a stubborn mule. And Moshe keeps going to rallies and coming home with his eyes all lit up and saying Sima, come with me just once. Sima, would it hurt to try? No, it looks as if this is just something I’ll have to live with. Like in Ashkelon, when we lived near the central bus station. At first, the noise of the buses drives you crazy. Then you don’t hear it any more. Menachem and Moshe will keep trying to make Liron grow sidelocks and I’ll keep trying to protect him. And her too, I say, pointing to Lilach. Tell me, sweetie, do you want to wear long denim skirts when you grow up?

Lilach, who already knows how to recognise the sound of a question, actually nodded her head as if to say yes.

What do you mean, yes? I pretend to scold her and say to Noa, that’s just the way I am. I can be the nicest person in the world, but when it comes to my children, I’m a tiger.

I can understand that, Noa said, nodding.