Arnon Grunberg - Tirza

Until he no longer can deny. He must by the customs, he must go. This keeps the. This is the border.

In the grass she crouches down next he for Kaisa down. 'I go now,' he says, 'i should go. But I come back, I promise you that I come back.'

He picks up the briefcase.

'Look,' he says, 'I leave it here. This is for you.'

He opens the bag.

'Four pencils,' he says, 'a pencil sharpener, the iPod of Tirza Tirza, charger, music, her note book, maybe there are things in writing or drawings in. Its agenda. A manuscript of an author from Azerbaijan. What you it does. And here in this box is the money. But I will come back. I promise you that I come back. On this note is my number, my address in Amsterdam. If you like you can call me. And oh yes, here are two sachets winegums. But you should not be too many lollies, that is unhealthy. You need…'

He is on, he looks at his watch. She picks up his hand.

Ship's steward, crouches down again.

'I come back, Kaisa,' he whispers, 'This bag is the collateral. As long as you have this bag, you know that I come back. My life is in this case. I must come back to that. I can not otherwise. Everything I have is contained herein. You must adapt. As you have on me appropriate.'

He expresses its against itself. 'Kaisa,' he whispers, 'Kaisa, I forgive you, I forgive you that you do not have me disappear, I forgive you that you have seduced me to stay here, I forgive you everything. But I must now road.'

He looks around.

It seems as if no one to watch them.

'I do not know,' he whispers, 'how you should die, while you realize that you never played a role in someone's life, not even in your own. How do you do that, while you understand, taking account of the possibility, to take proper account of the possibility that nobody has given you, that nobody was important enough, that… I come back to learn to die, Kaisa, I can not yet, but you go in the me learning. I can learn German and in return you go learn me that is the die appointment.'

He begins to sing for her. 'Unerreichbar,' he sings, 'schweres Herz.' He is the words forgotten. 'Ridi,' he sings, 'ridi ridi ridi.'

He walks on her away. Unsettling without briefcase.

They will be behind him, grabs his hand.

He presses are loose. 'I need road,' he whispers, without having to go to her to watch, 'but I come back. Go to the city. I will be back, Kaisa.'

Weather She grabs his hand. From his eyes he sees how large are briefcase for her. A type of house. Dangling around her shoulders still the brightly colored fabrics pouch that he for her in Windhoek has purchased in order to save money. Who sells company, must be money well hiding.

He is now almost at the customs.

He turns around. The child is being held up by someone from the security.

'I come back,' he calls, 'Kaisa, I come back.' He waves with his hand. And then also with his hat. Someone behind him in the row pushes him to continue. 'I come back,' he calls again. Then he sees its not more.

The row is not long.

He gives his passport to the policeman.

And although he is not the child can see more, he hears suddenly her voice. 'Do you want company, sir?' cries she by the Departures Hall. Above all from its voice is heard.

The policeman put a stamp on his passport. Ship's steward will get it back. And then he hears a shrieking Kaisa in the departures hall of Wind Angle. 'Do you want company, sir? Sir?'

Ship's steward must hold on to the cubicle of the policeman. He has the feeling that he must have. It vibrates. But he also laid themselves from. In order not to lose the control, not to give in to that impulse: return to run to the Departures Hall. Kaisa to grip. To rent a car. To drive away. To resolve. Together with her.

Ship's steward now knows what the alternative is to die for, he now understands what happens to people who do not disappear in a timely manner.

Early in the morning he arrives in Zurich and in the afternoon he comes to Schiphol. It is partly cloudy and eighteen degrees in Amsterdam. At the passport control he need only to keep up his passport.

He decides the train to Amsterdam Zuid/WTC. Hence he travels further with tram 5. There are hardly any thoughts. How would you feel about Kaisa in the five? He thinks. What would they find a tram? He looks at the city with the eyes of Kaisa.

On the corner of the 'Willemsparkweg' and the Van Baerlestraat he steps. All this is well-known and strange, because he looks with Kaisa's eyes.

His suitcase is not heavy and it is not far. He would be easy to walk, but because he sees the two, decision he has two stops away on the tram.

Why not? Great convenience.

It is all strange for. Unreal. Absurd. A decor.

On the stop Cornelis Schuytstraat he steps. He is the only one who gets out.

In the event of the wine trade remains he, he looks at the shop. There are people in the shop, but no one sees him. They allow themselves to advise, the seller reserves a bottle up. Almost press he against the window.

His hat sits on his head. It still feels strip without briefcase. He has a tendency to look backwards where Kaisa remains. It is waiting for a hand in the his gliding.

After a few minutes he runs through again.

He saves the corner.

He is now in the Van Eeghenstraat.

There are many people in the street. It is him on that they are precisely for his house. It is a hustle and bustle of importance for his house. An accident, he thinks, something has happened.

He is a few meters closer. Some people he considers to recognize. There are also cameras at, he sees now. Yes, he recognizes some people. Of the tv. Familiar faces are in for his house. And he also sees an agent, no doubt the inquisitive people on to keep your distance.

That you always have access to such matters. Inquisitive people who should be kept at a distance.

Ship's steward puts his suitcase on the floor. With his handkerchief and rubs his head. It is not hot, but he has the hot. Horribly hot.

From the crowd for his home state makes a woman. She is coming toward him. The wife. He recognizes its. Its motor skills. And they also has seen.

Than he recalls the itself. There was something with Tirza. But what exactly?

He thinks of the song that he always sang for her. If he than it carried her of celloles, after swimming if they had won a competition, but also just after the swimming, during winter sports, for reading.

'or all the boys I've known and I've known some. Until I first with you I was lone some. And when you came in sight, dear, my heart grew light. And this old world seemed new to me.' Yes, ship's steward remembers the a and other. 'Ridi,' he sings gently, 'ridi, ridi,' while the wife to him, intervened.

He hears against him how someone says: 'Do you want company, sir?' But it is not, it is Tirza Kaisa's voting. He thinks Tirza's voice to be heard.

Tirza, the solar queen. The high-gifted solar queen. His life. His hope. Its future.

Still krampachtiger he tries to remember what there was exactly with that life of him, that future which now is nearby, so terribly near. There are sun queen. There is something to him, only so vague. Extremely vague.

Jörgen ship's steward stands for its own memory as for the entrance to the paradise that he will never enter.

A meter or thirty, than is the wife is living with him.

Now it falls within. Finally.

She is found.

She is found. Tirza. That name alone. That word. Tirza.

He must call her to say that they found. From his inner pocket to pick up his telephone.

He shall review its number.

The wife is only ten meters removed from him. She is remain stationary. She looks at him, smekend seems. See little mangy alongside them out. Unwashed. As if they were to graze is taken by a beast.