Daniela Kapitánová - Samko Tále's Cemetery Book

‘Katuša was a pretty maid

Always ready to get laid.

Hey ho, hey ho, what did I see through her window?

Hey ho, hey ho, I saw the chaplain on her pillow,

Hey ho, hey ho, on Katuša’s pillow.’

And then we sang the whole song again except that after the chaplain this woman called Katuša did it with the priest and then the bishop and then the pope. And this is what we sang at the end of each verse: ‘Hey ho, hey ho, on Katuša’s pillow’.

And then suddenly this was what my Dad sang:

‘Hey ho, hey ho, I saw Karol Gunár on her pillow,

Hey ho, hey ho, on Katuša’s pillow.’

I got really frightened that Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) might take offence but he didn’t take offence because he had lots of good qualities and he said that he and my Dad should call each other by first names.

And then they started calling each other by first names and became very good friends because everything turned out so well.

After that we kept singing and they kept drinking alcoholic drinks and Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) said that he would make sure that Ivana got a place at the piano school in Bratislava and that he could also get a job for Margita at the City Hall, so she could send children into children’s homes if she wanted to.

And we were all very happy about that.

Only Darinka Gunárová wasn’t happy, because every time we sang the humorous song about this woman called Katuša she made squeaky golliwog noises.

Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) said that we should ignore her.

So we ignored her.

And then it was the evening and they went home and my Dad said that Gunár could drink like an ox, even though he was a Commie.

And he really respected him for that.

I really respected him for that, too.

But the one thing I don’t get is why Darinka Gunárová never wanted to be friends with me any more, especially seeing as our families became friends and everything had turned out well.

The only thing that didn’t turn out well was that Uncle Otto somehow found out what had happened and he went to see Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) in the Communist Party and said that it was all Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences)’s fault that Tonko had died because Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) could have saved his life if he’d been a decent human being.

But Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) is very kind and he didn’t take offence at Uncle Otto at all because he knew that Uncle Otto wasn’t right in the head due to the lightning that went in at his shoulder and out of his foot, so he just called in the security man from the Reception and had him thrown out.

When Grandaddy found out what Uncle Otto had said to Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) he got so badly worked up that he had to lie down propped up on four pillows and take one of those pills that you don’t swallow, you just put them under your tongue. Then he pointed to the lamp and said that we were all done for and that the High Ups wouldn’t let us get away with it.

And after that he started locking Uncle Otto in the back room, the one that we used as larder and that had the table with the marble top, and he shouted at him that he was as stupid as his bloody Gappy Mushrooms.

Meaning that Uncle Otto was as stupid as his Happy Mushrooms. He used to laugh at Uncle Otto because Uncle Otto always said the names of all mushrooms as if they were in Russian because he had learned all about mushrooms from this Russian teacher when he was out of his body in Balakhashka, and that’s why Uncle Otto learned the names of all the mushrooms in Russian.

Except that Russian doesn’t have the letter H, it only has the letter G.

So when Grandaddy got angry with Uncle Otto he used to say that he was as stupid as his Gappy Mushrooms and that it was that blood in him that was showing. Meaning the blood that Grandmummy had got from her Grandmother whose name was Eszter Csonka and who was half Hungarian, and maybe even something worse.

And that’s why Grandaddy used to call him stupid Gappy Mushroom.

There was this man in Komárno whose name was Zdenko Horilla and he was the manager of a Cinema. Once he was sent to the Soviet Union regarding Friendship because back then we still had the Soviet Union so it was OK. And during Friendship they drank all sorts of Soviet alcoholic drinks and because Russian doesn’t have the letter H they called him Gorilla instead of Horilla. He didn’t like that at all and when they finished drinking all the Soviet alcoholic drinks he said this:

‘If you call me Gorilla we will say Haharin instead of Gagarin.’

And everyone in the Soviet Union took offence because he offended the World’s First Soviet Cosmonaut and when he came home he got into big trouble because he had offended them. And he couldn’t be manager of the Cinema any more.

And then everyone said it served him right, even managers should keep their mouths shut in the Soviet Union.

I said so, too.

Because he shouldn’t have offended the World’s First Soviet Cosmonaut.

Anyway.

This Zdenko Horilla had a daughter whose name was Zdenka Horillová and she was almost the only one in Komárno who ever let old Gusto Rúhe grope her, due to being very desperate because she was very unhappy.

She was unhappy because this P.E. teacher had left her and she wanted old Gusto Rúhe to tell her if anything could be done so that he would come back to her. So she let him grope her and this is what Gusto Rúhe wrote on the tarmac:

‘Sandal-mandal chamtay tsog.’

But nobody knew what this meant because everyone knew that old Gusto Rúhe was just making it up so that he could grope and that’s why nobody believed that sandal-mandal chamtay tsog meant anything.

I didn’t believe it either.

Zdenka Horillová was the only one who believed that it meant something and she kept trying to figure out what it meant and as she was trying to figure it out she forgot all about being unhappy regarding the P.E. teacher and married someone completely different who wasn’t a P.E. teacher or any other kind of teacher at all, but a carpenter regarding antique chairs and other furnitures.

And people said that everything turned out well even though sandal-mandal chamtay tsog didn’t mean anything.

I said so, too.

But anyway, I’d like to know what sort of rubbish this sandal-mandal chamtay tsog was because old Gusto Rúhe just makes things up and people believe him because they have no idea.

Anyway.

But when he told my fortune he said this thing about the Cemetery Book, so I have to be very careful because you never know what might happen because he might even put a spell on me like he did on Erik Rak if I don’t write the Cemetery Book.

When I’ve finished writing this I will write about how he put a spell on Erik Rak because I forgot again because sometimes I forget things because I have lots of things to worry about, because I’m not like those people who don’t have anything to worry about. Usually I have lots of things to worry about but now that I’m being a writer due to my rear-view mirror I don’t have as many things to worry about as usual when I’m hard-working regarding cardboard.

Because I’m always very hard-working regarding cardboard.

Other people are not so hard-working. Alf Névéry, for example, never worked hard so he didn’t have anything to worry about and all he did was sleep all day long and keep his lights on all night long and look at The Safe City by Uncle Otto and sometimes he would give me Karlsbad Wafers.

Because the one thing I don’t get is how someone can stand it not being hard-working. I couldn’t stand it because I’m very hard-working.

Sometimes people tell me to stop being so hard-working and I always tell them that I’m hard-working and that’s why I work hard. Because if I were lazy I wouldn’t be working. That’s a fact and it goes without saying, right?