Daniela Kapitánová - Samko Tále's Cemetery Book

My Dad used to make fun of people all the time and I really hated that, because it was forbidden and it always got me very worked up. My Mum never made fun of people, but that was because she was busy or because her back was hurting or because she was giving piano lessons. Margita doesn’t make fun of people either because she’s kind-hearted. Ivana always makes fun of everyone but if she goes on like that she’ll get reported regarding crying in the toilet. She shouldn’t think that she can make fun of people just because she’s a great artist from Bratislava.

Once there was this man in Komárno and everyone kept making fun of him because he didn’t have a name because he wasn’t normal due to being subnormal. And the way you could tell was because every morning he went to the River Danube which is a big river that runs through Komárno, and he collected driftwood that had floated down the Danube. Then he put it out to dry. And when it was dry he would hold it to his ear and knock it with a wooden hammer. Then he would listen for a long time to the sound the wood made regarding the hammer. If the sound was good he would say:

‘Good wood.’

And he would throw the good wood back into the River Danube. If the sound it made wasn’t good he would say:

‘Bad wood.’

And he would throw the bad wood back into the River Danube, too.

That’s why people made fun of him and they called him Good Wood because nobody knew what his name was because he never said anything except good wood or bad wood. He used to live on a rubbish dump behind the bridge.

Sometimes when people found the driftwood that he had put out to dry so that he could knock it with his hammer they threw it into the Danube and everyone looked forward to seeing Good Wood get all worked up when he couldn’t find it.

I looked forward to it, too.

And he always got worked up and banged the ground with his wooden hammer and shouted all sorts of shouts because that was all he could do.

And then he was run over by a car because he wasn’t paying attention due to knocking while he was standing in the middle of the road.

So that’s how he died.

And after he died they found out from the Documents that he had a name which was Abbé Pierre. And that he was from Bratislava to start with.

And everyone thought it was really weird that he had such a foreign name and that he came from Bratislava, but was subnormal in Komárno.

I thought it was really weird, too.

Another weird thing about him was that he didn’t have the sort of wrinkles like normal people have that go in a straight line from one side to the other. Instead his wrinkles went in a straight line from top to bottom. I’ve never seen anyone else with wrinkles on their forehead that went from top to bottom and not from one side to another. Everyone said it was very weird.

I said it was weird, too.

My Dad had wrinkles that were proper and so did my Grandfather from Detva. Grandaddy didn’t have many wrinkles, just a wart on his ear. I don’t have wrinkles either, because I’m still young and have a healthy life of style and I get plenty of exercise.

Especially in the fresh air.

Anyway.

Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) had a wrinkle on his forehead that moved when he frowned. Nobody else in the world could frown and make their wrinkle move like that. It was so humorous that I always asked him to frown when he was in a humorous mood and then he made his wrinkle move. I always looked forward to him making his wrinkle move like that.

Because nobody else in the world could do this, only Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences).

Yesterday I saw Darinka Gunárová outside the Cultural Centre. And the most important thing was that she had butterflies on her head.

Honestly, I’m not making it up, because I’m no retard and I would never make up things like that, but she really had butterflies on her head and the butterflies were moving even though they weren’t real.

I have never seen such a thing in my life, not in Komárno or anywhere else in the world, not even on TV. I’ve never ever seen anyone with butterflies on their head like Darinka Gunárová. I’ve seen all sorts of things on TV, for example people with lots of tattoos tattooed on their bodies but I’ve never seen anyone with butterflies on their head, not once.

Because we have tattoos in Komárno too, for example that rat-woman Angelika Édesová, who keeps stealing my cardboard from the Market Place, she has a tattoo on her arm that says ‘I love Lali’. Meaning she loves Lali. And what she means is she loves Lali Fénšég who’s a jailbird and a Gypsy. But it didn’t help her because when Lali Fénšég came back from jail he didn’t marry Angelika Édesová, he married her sister Claudia Édesová instead. Serves her right, that rat-woman Angelika Édesová.

After that she was sorry that she had this tattoo which said ‘I love Lali’ tattooed on her arm. So she asked him and her sister Claudia Édesová to come and watch and then she got an axe and tried to chop off her arm with the tattoo.

But she didn’t manage to whack it hard enough and the axe just hit the bone but her arm stayed on and it’s all crooked now and it makes everyone laugh.

It makes me laugh, too.

The only person who doesn’t laugh at it is that idiot Krkan because that’s what he’s like and he will do sexual things with anyone, even Gypsies, and every time he does it he puts up a note that says ‘Back Soon’. Except he’s never back soon.

Even that nasty rat-woman Angelika Édesová doesn’t have butterflies on her head, so it’s out of the question that Darinka Gunárová should go around with butterflies on her head and I have no idea why she does it. I don’t want Darinka Gunárová to go around like that. And that’s why I didn’t know what to say because what can you say to someone who goes around with butterflies fixed to their head. That’s why I didn’t say anything, but this is what Darinka Gunárová said then:

‘Where are you going Samko?’

Meaning where I was going.

And this is what I said:

‘I’m going this way.’

Meaning I was going this way.

And this is what Darinka Gunárová said then:

‘I’m going to the Cemetery, would you like to come with me?’

Meaning she was going to the Cemetery, and would I like to come with her.

But the thing is I didn’t quite know what to do because I couldn’t really go to the Cemetery with Darinka Gunárová because we were standing in the One-Way Street behind the Cultural Centre and if I went to the Cemetery with Darinka Gunárová I would have had to turn round and go down a One-Way Street the wrong way and that could have been a total disaster regarding me being a road user because I have my handcart and it’s the law for road users with handcarts.

Because it goes without saying that I’m a proper road user just like everyone else and if I had turned around and gone down a One-Way Street the wrong way with Darinka Gunárová people might have laughed at me due to not knowing what a One-Way Street was.

Because it’s the law.

So I had no idea what to do because nobody told me what to do, and when that happens I get very worked up and I’m not supposed to get worked up regarding my state of health. So I didn’t get worked up and instead this is what I said:

‘In our good old Cemetery

A dead man hangs from every tree.’

Meaning it was very humorous.

Because my Grandfather from Detva knew lots of humorous sentences like this and he always used to say them whenever he heard someone say some word. And if people said one of those words for which he had a humorous sentence he would always say it. For example, when he heard the word Cemetery this is what he used to say: