Daniela Kapitánová - Samko Tále's Cemetery Book

Once there was this man in Komárno but he wasn’t from Komárno, he was from Dolný Kubín which is another city in Slovakia, and he used to swear like nobody had ever sworn before and his name was Tetrovec.

When I was very young and he was already very old, whenever he saw me with waste paper he always shouted that I was stealing his paper, because back then you could only collect waste paper, because there wasn’t any cardboard around. Tetrovec wanted to beat me up for stealing his paper because he thought that all the waste paper in Komárno was his and that’s why he thought that I wasn’t allowed to collect waste paper.

But my Dad said that I shouldn’t be scared of Tetrovec because he just shouted but he never did anything. So I wasn’t scared of him. Because he just shouted and never did anything.

When he still lived in Dolný Kubín, Tetrovec used to get really mad whenever someone sat down. And he would tell them off and nobody in his family was allowed to sit down due to that, not even during meals or at any other time because it made Tetrovec really mad. Meaning they had to eat their meals standing round the table, because if Tetrovec saw them sitting down he said that he would beat them up with a whip, because he used to be very well-off regarding cattle to start with.

There were lots of chairs all over his house but nobody was allowed to sit on them. So they never sat on chairs, and then first all his sons moved out and then all his daughters moved out, then his wife died. And after that he lost all his property due to Nationalisation of all Property.

And then Tetrovec got even worse and every time he saw someone sitting down he would swear and tell them off for sitting down even if they were total strangers.

So they sent him to Komárno, because back then lots of Slovaks were sent to Komárno to make sure that lots of Slovaks would live there.

At first he worked in the State Wineries but everybody hated him there because he got into an argument with everyone, even the manager, regarding sitting down. And then he retired and started to collect waste paper.

Tetrovec never sat down and he lived until he was 92 years old, because that’s when he died. And the way he died was that he slipped on the ice along with his handcart and broke his pelvis. The pelvis is a bone down there. You know where I mean. In the bottom.

Then he had to have an operation and the doctors said that he would never be able to sit properly, and when Tetrovec heard that he got so mad that he died.

His name was Jozef Tetrovec.

He used to stuff his ears with cotton wool and swear a lot.

There were some other people in Komárno who used to shout at me even though they didn’t have cotton wool in their ears or collect waste paper, for example Stanislav Manica.

But he is a fat slob now.

There’s just one thing I’d like to see, and that’s Manica trying to squeeze into his Young Pioneer’s Uniform. My Young Pioneer’s Uniform still fits me so well that I could wear it any time. If they announced that a Young Pioneer’s Oath was being taken in the Cultural Centre, I’d like to see who else could still go there and take the Young Pioneer’s Oath regarding fitting into their Young Pioneer’s Uniform.

But I could take the Oath as many times as I wanted to because I haven’t turned into a fat slob due to my healthy life of style and plenty of exercise in the fresh air. And another reason I haven’t turned into a fat slob is due to yoghurt. Because yoghurt is very good for you.

Anyway.

Nobody could take the Young Pioneer’s Oath, except for me and Darinka Gunárová, because she hasn’t turned into a fat slob either.

Yesterday I saw Darinka Gunárová outside the Cultural Centre. I was so surprised to see her regarding the golden footwear and the short T-shirt and her belly button showing that I didn’t know what to say until Darinka Gunárová said this:

‘How are you Samko?’

Meaning how I was.

And this is what I said:

‘I’m fine.’

Meaning I was fine.

Because I take good care of myself and that’s why I’m fine. And that’s why I’ve got I.Q. and I’m very popular as well as very hard-working. And people respect me due to being hard-working.

When I’m out and about with my handcart sometimes as many as thirty people say hello to me because that’s how well they know me. Some people know me due to deliveries I have made for them with my handcart. All the people I know are in my Surnames and Christian Names Notebooks. And when someone dies I always check if I’ve got them in my Surnames and Christian Names Notebooks because if I’ve got them there, it goes without saying that I can’t have them in my Notebook called Died, too, right?

Right.

It’s people like Uncle Otto who are the greatest problem regarding my Notebook called Died, because I don’t know if their names should be there or not.

I’ve got a name under each letter in my Surnames notebook. I used not to have any names starting with the letter Q , but then luckily I met Darinka’s husband the black man whose name is Samuel Quentin and that relieved me because it meant that now I have someone starting with a Q .

The thing is, there aren’t any other people starting with the letter Q in Komárno. There’s just this Pub called The Queen but that’s not a person. But apart from that there isn’t anyone starting with a Q .

Lots of names start with the letter H . And also with the letter S .

I don’t know what else I could write regarding letters.

Sometimes I’m happy that Darinka’s husband starts with the letter Q because that has made me complete.

But then again, sometimes I think that she shouldn’t have married a black husband just because of that. And now she has two children with her husband the black man and both children are black as well. Her black children were at the funeral, too They’ve got curly hair. Their names are Anthony and Antony. Anthony is a boy and Antony is a girl.

And that’s very weird.

I don’t know how they can tell them apart with same names and same curly hair. And with both being black. Margita also has two sons but they are easy to tell apart because they aren’t black. Their names are Patrik and Richard.

Ivana has three daughters and their names are Dorota, Dominika and Dita. That’s very handy too because it’s easy to remember due to all of them starting with the letter D . Dita is the only one that was difficult to remember because I haven’t met anyone else with a name like that in Komárno or on TV. But that’s just like Ivana, she’s got to have at least one name that doesn’t exist, because she’s a great artist from Bratislava.

All three daughters have the surname Žebráková, only Ivana is called Ivana Tále. That’s what it says on all the records and on TV. And her name doesn’t end in — ová , as if she was a sort of a man called Ivana Tále.

But it goes without saying that if you’re an artist you don’t want to be called Žebráková on a record because it means beggar in Czech, right?

Right.

But Tále is a really lovely name and it’s my surname, too But the worst thing is that people make my name rhyme with that rhyme about stinking. If it weren’t for that rhyme about stinking I would love my name even more.

Everyone in my family is called Tále but apart from my family I don’t know anyone else called Tále.

Once I saw this man on TV and when his name came up this is what it was: Ernest Tálle. But his name was spelled with 2 L s. My name is spelled with only one L . Like this: Tále.

And this Tálle’s job was stuffing animals and he was from Žilina but he was spelled with 2 L s. And the other thing I didn’t like about him was that he stuffed animals, even though I don’t know him at all and I don’t want to say anything bad about him, or ask him to stop stuffing animals but I don’t like that because it stinks.