Daniela Kapitánová - Samko Tále's Cemetery Book

The reason I know it stinks is because we once had a stuffed fox at school and it really stank. It stank like a dog.

And that’s why it’s very weird that there are people who don’t mind doing such stinky work. And that they are called Tálle, too That might make people think that we also stink because our name is Tále. Even though we’re spelled with only one L .

But people don’t think so because they respect us. And they especially respect me because I’m hard-working.

Because I’ve always been the most hard-working person in my family. Ivana has always been the least hard-working one, because all she’s ever done is play the piano so that she wouldn’t have to do any real work, for example take out the rubbish.

Margita has always been more hard-working because she used to do knitting and all sorts of other handiwork. Once she embroidered a Slovak crest on her son Patrik’s tracksuit jacket before he went to America because you couldn’t buy it in the shops and she wanted everyone in America to see straight away that Patrik had a Slovak crest embroidered on his tracksuit jacket.

It was lovely.

It had everything a crest is supposed to have, as well as a silver frame. Everyone praised Margita for embroidering such a beautiful Slovak crest.

I praised her, too.

Ivana would never embroider a Slovak crest onto a tracksuit jacket or onto anything else because that’s what she’s like and she won’t even put a sticker with the Slovak crest on her car.

I do have a crest sticker on my handcart because I’m a road user and that’s the law. I also have another crest on my handcart, it’s the crest of the Vitana Food Company but that’s not the law, it’s just something I found on a cardboard box and I stuck it on because I felt like it. I also used to have a rude drawing on my handcart because it was drawn on by this man Ferdinand Mica who looks like a Gypsy, although he’s not a Gypsy, and it was a very rude drawing of a word that you only say when you’re swearing. He did it while I was away buying some Poprad Wafers because they are very tasty. So I got really worked up because Ferdinand Mica is dirty and he doesn’t have a job because he gets money for not working, and I went and reported him to Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) so that he knew what he’d drawn on my handcart and could make sure he’d get into big trouble.

Because it’s forbidden to draw things like that on my handcart.

But Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) said there was nothing he could do about Ferdinand Mica, because we got what we wanted and this was Democracy. And this is what we wanted.

But this is not what I wanted and I told Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) many times repeatedly that nobody in the whole world or in Slovakia wanted it except for Ivana and Žebrák, because everyone else loved the Communist Party.

Because it was very nice.

And that’s why everyone went to the May Day Parade because everyone loved the Communist Party and everyone wanted to wave to it.

I loved the May Day Parade best of all because it was the most beautiful thing in the world. Everyone was happy and waved to the High Ups who stood on the podium. Everyone held flags and all sorts of flapping things. Some people held a sort of flapping thing that was called the Flutterer. Flutterers were lovely and everyone loved flapping them.

I loved flapping them, too.

People were all very happy and they all shouted due to their happiness like this:

‘Long live the Communist Party!’

Meaning the Communist party should live long.

You would never ever see so many people shouting regarding the Communist Party all year round as you did on May Day. Everyone was very happy.

I was very happy, too.

I always joined the parade and when I finished marching I went back to the podium and as the people marched by waving happily I always waved back to them happily.

Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) was also always up there on the podium waving happily.

Only my Dad wasn’t waving happily because he made fun of them. He used to say things like this:

‘High and mighty on the stand,

On their arses they will land.’

But that was a very rude thing to say and I hated it when my Dad said things like that because Karol Gunár (PhD Social Sciences) wasn’t like that at all because he was a PhD Social Sciences. And he and the other High Ups could stand on the podium for as long as they liked and they would never land anywhere.

And they always smiled happy smiles.

And when the May Day Parade was over you could buy oranges in the shops. Oranges were very special then, not like now when you can buy oranges whenever you feel like it. In those days you could only buy oranges on May Day so that everyone could see that we could afford oranges.

I don’t actually like oranges very much, because they can be hard to peel sometimes. I prefer tangerines because they are easier to peel sometimes. But sometimes they have lots of pips so then I don’t really like tangerines either.

Another thing that’s bad about tangerines is that you’re not supposed to drink yoghurt after eating them.

Because yoghurt is very good for you.

Anyway.

Sometimes I think that maybe I’ve been a writer for long enough and that it’s impossible for anyone to write more than I have because it’s out of the question that someone could be a writer more than I am. But then again, there are some books that are very thick but I haven’t read them because I haven’t got time for silly things such as reading thick books.

But the greatest problem is that I don’t know what else I could write about the Cemetery. Why doesn’t old Gusto Rúhe write his own Cemetery Book? But he is such an alcoholic that he doesn’t even know how to write any more, and he’s just showing off with that Moonstone of his regarding fortune-telling so that he can drink alcoholic drinks and grope women.

I would have stopped being a writer a long time ago but what he had written on the tarmac was: ‘Will Write the Cemetery Book’, which means that it’s the law and if I don’t write it I might get into big trouble because it’s the law and I ought to write it because I’m not busy now, due to my handcart being in Ján Boš-Mojš’s workshop.

Sometimes I think that I should have asked Alf Névéry how to write a Cemetery Book, but back then I didn’t know that my rear-view mirror would break off, so I never asked him. Another person I could ask is Cyril Malacký because he’s very helpful, and he once changed the glass on the door downstairs, but I’m sure he would ask why I’m asking and then he might tell everyone and then everyone would know and everyone would ask what I was writing about and everyone would want to read it. But I don’t want everyone to ask me and to read it because then they could make fun of me.

And I hate it when people make fun of me.

Anyway.

Some people always used to make fun of Uncle Otto too regarding his Mission and because he wanted to cure everyone and because he kept giving everyone dried mushrooms.

But most of all they laughed at him due to a mushroom called the Gappy Goodwink. Because Uncle Otto said that if all mankind ate Gappy Goodwinks starting when they were little children then everyone in the whole world would be happy because Gappy Goodwink would bring happiness to all mankind.

Because that’s what Gappy Goodwink could do.

But people didn’t believe him and nobody wanted to eat Gappy Goodwinks, starting when they were little children, due to that.

I didn’t eat them either.

But I’m very happy and very kind anyway even without eating Gappy Goodwinks. And you can tell that I’m like that due to my kindness and due to never making fun of other people. I only make fun of other people sometimes when they make fun of me, and if I didn’t make fun of them they would think they could keep making fun of me. So that’s why I make fun of them.