Marlene van Niekerk - Agaat

easter it is easter I want to say let us bake a cake for the twins for the triplets and for the quadruplets of the four we shall gather the tiniest the little one who was last the one lying with her muzzle just above the clover her we shall gather in our arms I want to say a name we shall give her of clouds a name of rain a name of autumn that drifts in quince trees she who is one of a quatrain of heaven earth god and mortal sweet we shall call her sweetling sweet-flour spit of mercy I want to say but I get mired my tongue up against my teeth eggs on the ground quips I say and queep and speet in stead of sweet and eater instead of easter and instead of honey money how did it come about? so it came in my mouth like the next minute like a thief in the night like the slow inclination of the underground clover-flower to place her seed next to her foot in the ground like the nocturnal rising of dough in my body it came like yeast the sleeping seed the dodder plant the white lamb that pushes out of me and disempowers me.

12 July 1960 11 o’clock at night

The more I think back on the day the more I feel I should perhaps have done the whole thing differently first talked & explained everything but how does one ever explain everything to a child?

She wasn’t at all at ease after the sheep-slaughtering this morning just stood there in the kitchen door right sleeve stretched smeared with blood & looked straight at me. Arrange your face I said we still have lots to do I thought take no notice take no nonsense but she stayed there chin on chest & and put one foot on top of the other & fist in the mouth. There, go & wash yourself I said see what you look like & stand up straight & take your hand out of your mouth & go and take off that jersey one doesn’t walk around like that. Next thing she throws her arms around her body the one arm over the other & I grab her by the shoulders Saar shakes her head & sucks her teeth as if I’ve now done something wrong don’t you meddle here I say & go & fetch my old red jersey in the bedroom she can’t walk around any longer in that blood-stained thing. And then A. doesn’t want to take it off in front of me so much for gratitude! So I gave her a piece of sunlight soap & said go & take it off yourself outside at the tap & soap it in so that it can soak & I gave her a bucket because I didn’t want her to go into the house then but she mustn’t go into hr outside room either. That would spoil all my plans right there & there she stands & she refuses flatly. I have another jersey like this one she says where’s my jersey I want my own jersey it has the right sleeve.

Simply had to talk over her objections because hr case with hr clothes was already in the outside room. So I had to think quickly to put hr in hr place & I quickly pushed my hand into the pocket of hr dress in front & this sheep’s ear? what’s it doing here? I don’t want to see any superstitions in you & then I threw the ear into the bin & then she looked so sad so then I said when you’re clean come & have tea there are ginger biscuits you were very good about learning to slaughter we all have to do things in this life that we don’t like & then I gave her my red jersey to take with her and to go and put on behind the house in privacy.

After lunch she polished the stoep & I instructed Saar to help hr next thing there they are singing together. Good sign after the business of the morning.

If I have a whip I must have a yoke

Hard at work’s the name of my yoke

Don’t let slip’s the name of my whip

Looksmart’s the name of my cart

Pair-of-socks is the name of my ox

Spick-and-span’s the name of my man

Meek and mild’s the name of my child

Love of my life’s the name of my wife

Next thing I hear A. teaching Saar a new line: Stand in the shade’s the name of the maid & All in a whirl’s the name of the girl piece of liver piece of lung food to keep the old man young. Heaven knows what’s going on in that head of hrs but she made good progress through the list looks as if she picked up some spirit in the course of the day. Praised her wherever I could.

Plaited onions

Took out potatoes

Weeded the vegetable garden

Took pumpkins down from stable-roof

Loaded cabbage & pumpkin in the trailer for market

At 5 o’clock she told me her hand was tired. Had seen it coming but I was ready for her: Nay what I said lots of work will make that hand of yours strong soon you won’t even know about it. Got a cup of coffee into her & pushed through till 6 o’clock & then said go and make a fire now we’re going to have a nice braai you can clean yourself afterwards you’re just going to be standing around in the smoke now anyway.

12 o’clock

Over-tired. Over-exerted myself can’t get myself to bed. Still nauseous shouldn’t have eaten that meat must be more careful. Hope A. has gone to rest she’ll just have to get accustomed in hr own time. Was fed at the kitchen table everything that we had for supper she’ll never have to fret about that fresh sheep’s liver in caul fat & chops & bread & baked beans & tomatoes. Didn’t want to put her mouth to the food do you think I want to poison you? I asked but the chin stayed on the chest.

Waited till she’d finished washing dishes then I said come see here in the back is a surprise for you.

Pity about the hinge not fixed yet so there the lower door scuffed garrrr over the linoleum. Showed hr nicely you just pick it up slightly & I switched on the light in there & the room looked a bit barer than I’d thought the bulb cast a dark spot on the linoleum & the bed looked too high (remember to find another apple box tomorrow to put in front of the bed).

So this is now your room A. I said, yours alone for your convenience it’s for your own good you’re a big girl now, aren’t you. And I opened the little curtain taterata-a-a! and showed the black uniform dresses. That’s all you’ll wear six days a week then you can save your house clothes I said & I showed they all had nice extra long right sleeves as she likes it & I showed I had specially sewn on broad white cuffs for her.

Explained about the aprons one for every day of the week. See that they’re always clean & stiffly starched & ironed. Showed hr where all the cleaning materials & ironing board & the irons are & the borax & the turpentine for the starch & the blue for the whitening. Underlined I don’t ever want to see stains & creases on hr uniform when she’s working in the house & demonstrated how she must take turns heating the little irons on the electric plate but not red-hot so that they scorch the ironing & how she should iron the aprons under a damp ironing-cloth. The caps were the most difficult. I said I know you don’t like things on your head but you’ll just have to like it or lump it. Asked her nicely she must put on a clean one every day & pin it up nicely. Do you understand? I asked because she was just standing there & staring in front of her. I thought I’d show her how to put on the cap & I said I don’t want to see a strand of hair.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of or scared. It’s as it should be. You’ll be my special help here on Grootmoedersdrift I said. My right hand in your case my left hand & I pinned the cap in place & she held her neck stock-still. The little face actually looked quite small under the white band. I wanted hr to look in the mirror but the mirror was too high & and I was afraid it would crack further if I took it down so I said look into my eyes how do you look to yourself? — like a smart Dutch house but she looked right through me and didn’t look for her reflection.

Close your eyes I said because then I really felt quite queasy but she kept on looking at me like that so then I pressed 5 pounds into her hand. It’s more than the other servants together earn in a month I said & that will be your daily wage & if all goes well I’ll increase it every six months a penny saved is a penny earned. Showed hr the savings book. Will teach hr how to work with it hrself I said but nothing made her excited or glad. Stored her first note in it. Put it away again in its proper place I said but she didn’t move. Cat got your tongue? I asked & put the kettle on the stove & I showed the rusks and everything.