Питер Мейл: Baby Taming [non pics]

I have a sneaking fondness for babies, even after five of my own. I understand why they enjoy a reputation for being fascinating, charming, lovable, and cuddly. They deserve it. All the babies of my acquaintance have had those

qualities in abundance. Why do you think movie stars never want to work with them? As if that weren't enough, babies are also blessed with astonishing organizational abilities. How they did it from their cribs I'll never know, but they have managed to set up the world's most successful and long-running public relations campaign.

More insidious and effective than anything the CIA could dream up, this worldwide conspiracy has been operating against unsuspecting men and women for years. Encouraged by big business, the pediatric branch of the medical profession, organized religion, and umpteen million grandparents, we are led to believe that the arrival of a baby is a joyous and carefree event. More than that. We are promised-that it will add another dimension to our lives.

So it does, but not the one that's advertised.

Babies are not the helpless, innocent creatures they appear to be. Beneath that wrinkled, rosy exterior lurk the mind and instincts of a seasoned guerilla fighter, determined to force you, the parent, into unconditional surrender. No holds are barred, no weapon too ghastly to be used against you. Predawn attacks are commonplace; assaults with loaded nappies and ear-piercing battle cries are just the beginning of the struggle.

But what is the war about? What does the little monster want? Just this: your total and unquestioning obedience to every gurgle and yell; the rearrangement of your entire life to suit his or her schedule; and twenty-four-hour attention. During the first year, your baby will try to lay the foundations for a whole childhood of making you jump. You have only to look at other people's children to see how successful this strategy can be.

In the chapters that follow, we will take you through the tactics, secret weapons, booby traps, and ambushes that have defeated parents in the past. We will show you how to recognize the signs of an impending nappy attack, how to foil

bogus bedtime tantrums, how to pace yourself through the struggle, and how to fight back, using techniques and equipment that have been combat-tested in bedroom, bathroom and high chair.

With the exception of the next chapter, all the information is arranged by subject rather than by chronological age. The reason for this is that babies never seem to do what they're supposed to do when they're supposed to do it. Teeth can appear at birth, or at eighteen months; the same with hair. Elementary toilet training and table manners can take months or years. Some babies walk at nine months; others prefer to crawl until they're two.

All this, as you will find, is part of a baby master plan designed to confuse you and keep you off balance. We don't want to add to the confusion by telling you to expect certain stages of development to happen at precise ages.

Having said that, there is one age where you can expect to notice a certain pattern of behaviour: the first three months of life. (Some people call this the Golden Age, but they're wrong. Children are at their best from age twenty-one onwards.) These early months may seem peaceful, and indeed they often are, but beware. This whole period is but the first in a series of shameless deceptions, as we are about to see.

The Phony Truce

A babies come into the world equipped ^vitri an instinctive tactical sense and an uncanny ability to conceal their real intentions. This is true even during the first three months of life.

During that time, while they are gathering their strength and studying your weaknesses, they are quiet, tractable, and utterly disarming. Apart from the inconvenient mealtimes and the occasional bout of indigestion, you would

hardly know you have a baby in the house. All those tales you hear about other people's little demons may be true, but your baby isn't like that. Your baby is different.

If you believe that, you've already lost the first battle of the war.

The peace of those first three months is a deliberate manoeuvre to lull you into dropping your guard. It is baby's first bluff, and nine times out of ten it works. When war is

eventually declared, and your angel turns into a screaming savage, you are taken completely by surprise.

Like all bluffs, though, it can be called. While this period of calm lasts, you can take advantage of your superior size, weight, and speed to introduce the early stages of feeding, potting, and bathing routines that we suggest later on. Don't wait until your baby is "old enough to understand"; by then it's too late. This first three months offers literally the chance of a lifetime. Don't miss it. Baby's Headquarters

The most basic requirement for baby taming, apart from an iron will, is a properly fitted room — one in which toys can be stored, nappies can be changed, and tempers left to cool off. And the more interesting you can make this room, the happier your baby will be to spend time there.

All babies love colour and movement, and will begin to respond to them when only a few weeks old. The more you can make their immediate environment resemble an overloaded Christmas tree, the better they'll like it. Save your aesthetic standards for the rest of the house. The baby's room should be festooned with things that move, tinkle, shine, and reflect. Mobiles, bells, mirrors, musical boxes, plants, goldfish in bowls — whatever you can think of to cram into the space. It is impossible to have too much going on.

Ideally, you'll have a changing table in the same room; and since the average baby goes through between five and six thousand nappies, it makes sense to have a table that is designed or adapted for the job. Get one that is a comfortable height (most tables are too low) and

have a couple of washable foam-rubber pads cut to fit it. You might also want to fix up a padded strap to anchor the baby so you have both hands free. And while you're at it, hang a mobile directly over the table. If there's something to look at up above, it helps to distract the baby from doing any serious squirming.

Now, before you have to, is a good time to child-proof the windows and make sure the door can't be locked accidentally (or on purpose) from the inside. This should be the one room in the house where you know that a few minutes' silence isn't the prelude to a disaster.

As the months go by, the room will change. You'll need bookshelves, a low table and chair, and a storage place for toys.

We've found the normal toy box quite useless; whatever you're looking for is always at the bottom. The ideal container is something like a low trough with several compartments — one for blocks, one for soft toys, and so on. It doesn't matter if the toys get mixed up. They'll still be a lot easier to find than if they were in a regular box. (A minor consideration? You wait until you hear the furious yells of a baby whose teddy bear has gone AWOL in the bottom of a crowded box.) The Breast and the Bottle Nowadays, doctors and hospitals are strongly recommending breast feeding, but it is obviously your decision. Here are the main pros and cons.

Nature provides most mothers with enough milk to feed a baby for approximately six months. It's free, it's digestible, and there is no special equipment needed to prepare it or bring it to the correct temperature. It's the ideal

food — although there are some snags.

The main drawback is the thought that you can never take the day off. But there's no reason why you should not get the baby used to the bottle as well. Start off gradually by supplementing breast feeding with bottle, then increase to a bottle a day. Get your husband to give the bottle sometimes, then a friend, then a sitter — and you're free to go out whenever you like. It's the best of both worlds.