Питер Мейл: Baby Taming [non pics]

Don't turn meals into spectator sports by letting friends and neighbours watch your baby eat. That's exactly what the little devil wants, and will play up to the gallery with at least one trick from the disgusting repertoire listed above. If you make meals into special events, you can hardly blame your baby for doing the same.

Except in extraordinary circumstances, try to stick to the same times each day for feeding. There is a school of thought that favours feeding on demand, which will very quickly make your life hell. It's up to you to set the mealtimes; baby's appetite and digestive system will fit in with your timetable after the first few weeks.

Inevitably, the day will come when your baby will want to dispense with your services and feed itself. A mixed blessing. It involves even more mess in the early stages, and mealtimes will take longer. But at least it gets you off the hook to a certain extent. Be warned, though. Baby will try to enlist you as an appreciative audience for the wonders of coordination which

will now be revealed. Don't fall for it. Place the high chair in an open, safe, easily washed-down area. Put baby, food, and drink in position, then go away. Otherwise you'll find that your presence is required before a single mouthful is eaten. Once the baby is used to self-feeding, social eating with the rest of the family can be tried.

A word about indigestion, which plagues most infants from birth to about five months. We recommend two positions: for normal postprandial winding, sit the baby upright. Place one hand on the stomach, the other at the base of the back. Work the hand at the baby's back all the way up to the shoulders with a circular motion, pressing the stomach gently with the other hand. For really stubborn four-star attacks of wind, lay the baby face down on your lap and use the same circular massage motion from the base of the back toward the shoulders. Don't forget to have a facecloth handy to catch the odd dribble.

Some Cleaning Instructions

Babies are seldom halfhearted about taking a bath. They either hate it or love it; so you should be prepared for noisy resistance either getting in or getting out. As for hair washing, very few babies actually enjoy the process. (This is partly due to the sensation of being submerged, and partly due to a desire to hold on to those morsels of today's lunch which were so carefully massaged into the scalp.)

There are two general rules that we have found to be very effective in the bathroom.

The first, as we have already suggested, is to begin complete immersion at the earliest possible age — and that includes a daily shampoo or head-wetting.

The second is a secret weapon that most babies find completely irresistible, and which we are convinced is the world's best bath toy: you. If you can arrange your bath to coincide with the

baby's you'll find yourself able to carry out tricky cleaning jobs (hair, ears, etc.) while your baby is busy studying you. Of course, the novelty wears off eventually, but by then you've won. "Your baby has missed the chance to get hysterical over those first shampoos, and you'll be able to treat any further displays of temperament with the firmness they deserve.

Grips and Techniques

The single-handed hold, the lap grip and the shampoo position are for basic everyday use. You will probably develop your own more imaginative variations as you get used to your baby's attempts to escape. Provided the head is fully supported at all times and the eyes are kept clear of soap and shampoo, any grip that works for you is fine.

The End of the Toothless Grin

It's not strictly fair to add teething to this collection of juvenile dirty tricks. This time, there's no faking or mischief involved; teething can really hurt. We've included it here because although it's not a deliberate ploy on your baby's part, it can still try your patience, disrupt your life, and interfere with the training process.

Some babies are lucky enough to cut a headful of teeth with no more than the occasional twinge; others go through hell with every tooth. The degree of discomfort varies

enormously, like most aspects of teething, You can't even predict with any kind of accuracy when the first tooth will arrive. Louis XIV was born with teeth — two of them. Many babies are toothless until well over a year old. Going by statistics, you can expect the first teeth to make an appearance some time between four and nine months.

If your baby is one of the unlucky ones fated to have a tough time, the signs of teething will be painfully easy to spot. They could be any or all of these: inflamed cheeks and gums, general

grumpiness, a constant dribble, and an angry nappy rash.

Unfortunately, nothing you can do is going to prevent the discomfort entirely. You'll hear about, and probably try on your baby, all kinds of strange remedies, from rubbing vodka on the gums to chewing dog biscuits. Less exotic

pain relievers are easier to administer and more likely to work. Here's a short selection: Teething Jellies

There are several to choose from. They all work in the same way, by coating the sore part of the gums with a very mild local anaesthetic. Flavours vary, so try two or three until you find a taste that suits your baby. Note; Don't rub the gums too hard with your fingers when applying the jelly; you could make them even more sore, or cause an infection.

Teething Biscuits

The harder they are, the more relief they seem to provide for those itching gums. The kind of biscuit that resists going soggy for the

longest time is best; perhaps dog biscuits aren't such a weird idea after all. We've also heard good reports about stale bagels. One side benefit of teething biscuits is that in times of severe loss of appetite they can be the only solid food that passes your baby's lips.

Teething Rings

A standby for thousands of years. What used to be silver, ivory, or leather is nowadays^rubber or plastic. There is a particularly ingenious kind available that has liquid sealed inside the ring; you keep it in the fridge until needed. This freezes the liquid and provides a marvellously soothing suck.

The Fridge

Extreme cold is bliss for sore gums. Keep in the fridge everything your baby regularly chews or sucks when it's not in use — teething rings, rusks; teething jelly, spoons, dummies, the works.

The Nightcap

Frowned on by some who see it as the first step on the road to ruin, a godsend to others, the occasional nightcap has been found to be harmless and helpful. A tot of whisky or brandy in the nighttime bottle has the same effect on babies that it does on adults. The pain is dulled, the world is a rosier place, and sleep is easier.

As if sore gums weren't enough, teething symptoms occur at the other end of the baby too. Nappy rash, caused mainly by bacteria, is aggravated by the extra-strong urine that accompanies teething. It must feel something like putting iodine on a cut.

Without bacteria there wouldn't be a bad rash in the first place, so the cleaner the baby, the

less chance of a rash. If, despite frequent nappy changes, a rash does develop, keep the sore skin well greased with Vaseline or zinc and castor oil cream. And be sure to let some fresh air

get to the rash. Let your baby go bottomless for as long as possible every day; it helps healing, and you can imagine how incredibly refreshing it must feel.

"The Only Good Baby ka Sleeping Baby"

Babies are at their most appealing at bedtime; freshly bathed and full of after-supper charm. Is this a happy accident arranged by nature? Far from it. Babies know that your resistance is getting low at this hour of the day. They are aware that a well-aimed smile can delay bedtime for up to five minutes; two smiles and a gurgle, ten minutes; and one barely intelligible word is often good for half an hour, while you try to work out what your little genius was trying to say.