Питер Мейл: Baby Taming [non pics]

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• A gradual sidling move towards a corner, or behind a piece of furniture. This is not a wholesome desire for privacy; it's an attempt at concealment until the deed is safely done.

• If no natural cover is available, the brazen approach is sometimes used, right out in the open. The only giveaway here is a set look to the mouth and a glassy, faraway stare. With practice, you'll come to recognize these

signs, and have time to take defensive action.

The Search for a Perfect Pot

Ideally, a pot should be solid enough to foil attempts to overturn it, and comfortable enough to accommodate the passenger for extended periods of time without causing cramp or bruising. As optional extras, a seat belt and arm rests would be useful.

Unfortunately, bulk and cost make the production of such a design unlikely, so you'll have to make do with the imperfect models that are currently available. Look for a pot with a thick rim (sitting on a narrow rim is agony) and a broad base. The kind which has a shield over the front part is excellent if your baby is a boy; boys are much less tidy and accurate when urinating than are girls.

Don't confuse the issue with a pot that looks like a duck or a dog or a flying saucer. Don't send a toy to do a pot's job. Toilet training is not a game; it's a serious business. What to Call It

Keep it short and simple. One word is better than a phrase, and a short word is better than a long one. Judged by these criteria, plain old "Pot" is hard to beat.

For the first six months or so, your opponent has been confined to areas of your choosing and has been unable to escape. Alas, the rules are about to change drastically. You will find that crawling, stumbling, staggering, lurching and falling over are added to your baby's capabilities. The enemy is now mobile. It's the end of trench warfare and the beginning of guerilla work.

(One small consolation is that there's nothing like a brisk crawl to reduce a baby to a state of healthy and cooperative exhaustion. Take advantage of any large open spaces to slip the leash and let the crawler crawl.)

Obviously, the biggest change you have to face is that your baby no longer has to fight you on your own ground. Instead, you'll face organized resistance in carefully chosen spots where you are particularly vulnerable — places where threat of serious injury or expensive damage can bring you to your knees.

It would be nice if there were some way of teaching your baby what not to touch, what not to do, and where not to go without your constantly saying no. This is boring for both of you, but we haven't heard of any other way that works. Teaching that certain objects, areas, and actions are forbidden is a tedious business requiring nonstop attention and so many no's that you begin to sound like a nagging parrot.

You can keep this down to a minimum by child-proofing forbidden areas along the lines we suggest, but you can't avoid it altogether. Don't forget that your baby wants your attention and is prepared to put up with a few no's to get it.

Here is a selection of the more popular spots for an ambush, and some precautions to take

before it's too late: Stairs

The favoured position is baby at the top and you at the bottom. This forces you to creep very slowly up the stairs, arms outstretched, flinching at every unsteady movement, until you reach the top step. Your baby will then laugh in your face, wait until you're safely out of the way, and do it again. It always works.

To prevent this humiliating performance, fix wooden gates at each end of the staircase. (Get the expanding kind of gate and you can also use them to block off open doors and passageways.) Or you can always teach your baby to negotiate the stairs alone. To get down, crawling backwards is best for beginners, and a few demonstrations by you is all it takes for the lesson to sink in. However, bear in mind that crawling down stairs is no fun at all compared with the pleasure of watching you panic, so don't expect this new game to be as effective as the wooden gates. Coffee Tables

These pieces of furniture — particularly the ones with marble or glass tops — could have been specially designed to worry you. The edges are sharp, the objects on top are easily accessible, and the height is perfect for the baby who likes to crawl underneath and then threaten to stand up and get a concussion. What can you do?

A bolt high up on the living room door will solve the problem altogether. If you feel you can't seal off the living room, you can disarm the coffee table to a certain extent by clearing the top completely and by taping foam rubber padding round the sharp edges and corners. This style is known as Infant Provincial. One

look at it, and you may prefer to hide the coffee table away in the cupboard for a couple of years until the danger period passes. Kitchens

The kitchen is more dangerous, and thus

more fascinating to babies, than any other room in the house. For the mechanically minded, there are gas stoves and electric grills, microwave ovens and food mixers; for the adventurous gourmet, there are dozens of

brightly coloured and attractive packages and bottles containing everything from detergent to sink cleaner. Disaster lurks at every level and in every corner.

Putting the kitchen totally out of bounds is impractical, and making it totally safe is impossible. All you can do is make sure you never leave your baby in there alone, and develop safety habits such as locking all low-level cupboards, or keeping them clear of lethal products; always turning pan handles inward on the stove; and unplugging all appliances when you're not using them.

If you think these are obvious precautions to take, look at the accident statistics relating to babies and kitchens. The casualty rate would be a lot lower if everybody showed some common sense. Electric Sockets

All babies, at one time or another, have ambitions to electrify themselves. Signs to watch out for are two fingers extended in the plug position, and a persistent interest in wires and

switches. Before this interest becomes fatal, get plenty of plug blanks for the sockets, and staple or tape all wiring firmly in place along the wall. Bathrooms

The classic bathroom caper goes something like this. You hear the bathroom door slam. Silence. You rush to the door and find it locked. You hear the sound of running water. Your efforts to get in become frenzied; you find it difficult to kick the door down and speak in a calm and soothing voice at the same time. You hear a thump, followed by crying. The sound of running water continues. You call the neighbours, the police, and the fire brigade. The baby is finally rescued, damp but victorious, having succeeded in bringing six adults to the brink of cardiac arrest.

There is only one way to prevent this nightmare: Fix a bolt high up on the outside of the bathroom door and use it religiously. And keep all poisons, medications and glass bottles in the upper cabinet for at least the first five years.

Other People's Homes

Babies love to go visiting. The minute you arrive in a friend's house — or better still, a stranger's — the alert baby senses that you are sitting on the edge of your chair. Here in neutral territory, the two of you are on more or less equal terms; neither of you knows the geography of the house, or where the best

places are to mount an ambush. The difference is that your baby will be searching them out while you are trying to socialize. With this serious handicap facing you every time you go visiting, it's worth asking yourself if the journey is really necessary. If it is, take plenty of toys and plenty of spare nappies, and keep those eyes in the back of your head wide open.

Sports Section

Experts on rearing children tell us about the educational benefits of game-playing. They're right, of course. Whether it's learning to walk or learning to count, the more fun it is for the child, the quicker you see results.