Питер Мейл: Baby Taming [non pics]

A High-decibel Bedtime Programme

Perhaps the inside of a womb is a very noisy spot; perhaps a newborn baby's hearing isn't all that acute. Whatever the reason, babies are born with the capability of sleeping through just about anything short of a direct bomb attack. This priceless attribute should be encouraged from the very first week at home.

Make it a habit to turn the hi-fi up, not down, at bedtime. Stop tiptoeing around. With sufficient conditioning, a baby could be placed in the middle of the London Philharmonic Orchestra and still get a good night's sleep. On the other hand, if you encourage the practice of whispers and perfect peace at bedtime, the slightest noise will be enough to wake your baby, disturb your cocktail hour, and ruin your dinner. It's up to you.

Submerging Your Baby

Most babies like water. They bob around in amniotic fluid for the best part of nine months, so they are accustomed to the sensation of floating. Before this wears off and they find their land legs, they should be introduced to the daily bath during their first few days at home.

At first, your baby may pretend not to like it. (To be fair, going from the womb to a bath must

feel like leaving the paddling pool for the Atlantic.) But it's worth persevering. If you can get your baby used to the bath at this early age, when screams are pitched at minimum volume, you will save yourself hours of bad-tempered and soapy wrestling in the months to come.

Be prepared for one particular trouble spot; most babies hate to be shampooed — an early sign of the instinctive desire to cling onto as much of the day's dirt as possible. If this is the case with your baby, keep a small mirror next to the bath and see if this sequence of events works for you the same way that it did for us:

1. Wet the baby's head (screams). 2. Apply the shampoo (more screams). 3. Coax the hair, such as it is, into horns, curls, wings or whatever else you can manage quickly. 4. Show baby your handiwork in the mirror.

At worst, this will probably reduce the baby to an astonished silence, while the apparition in the mirror is studied. At best, your baby will adore the shampoo game and look forward to the next time. Either way, the hair gets washed. You win. The Invisible Umbilical Cord

Babies are experts at giving you the impression of total helplessness. One slightly cross-eyed glance is enough to convince most

new parents that it would be heartless and irresponsible to leave their little darling alone for an instant.

Mothers especially, be on your guard. This is a psychological extension of the umbilical cord, and for everyone's sake it is best cut young. It's difficult to exercise any restraint during the first few weeks, because babies are the most engaging and fascinating toys ever invented. This, of course, is something they know very well. Rule number one in the baby combat manual states: "I f you get the upper hand in the first three months, you will keep it there for life." Remember that rule every time you're tempted to sit adoringly by the bedside instead of going into the living room and having a drink.

The baby who becomes used to sharing every moment with you ends up demanding nonstop attention. The baby who becomes used to sharing your bedroom develops chronic and noisy insomnia when asked to sleep alone. It's that simple. Babies expect what you teach them to expect. Baby Talk vs. English

Babies, like puppies, respond to intonation rather than the specific word. You can say "good girl" and produce a smile or tears depending on how you say it.

Since the word itself is less important than how it's spoken, it is hard to understand the popularity of the gibberish that passes for communication between some parents and their offspring. If a baby can comprehend beddy-byes, bathy-poo and breky-weky, surely bed, bath and breakfast would sink in just as easily.

The obvious advantages of speaking English to your baby from the word go are that you have to teach only one vocabulary, and your baby has to learn only one language. You also avoid the humiliation that occurs when an obstinate and evil-minded baby insists on being addressed in baby talk in public.

Eat, Drink, and Be Messy

Most babies feel that they can score important victories during mealtimes. Apart from the sensual delights of running their fingers through their lunch, there are plenty of opportunities to wear you down with a variety of sticky and unpleasant surprise attacks. If none of these tactics works, there is always the ultimate threat of refusing to eat and dying of self-induced starvation.

The less you need to worry about accidental spills or deliberate sabotage the better. The ideal feeding area is a car wash, or a small tiled cell that can be hosed down after each meal. Failing that, choose a corner of the kitchen as far away as possible from appliances, delicate plants, and the dog's basket. Get your baby used to wearing a pelican bib (the kind that catches most of the food falling from the mouth). And make sure that you yourself are dressed for the occasion.

A protective garment that covers you from throat to knee is best — something like a smock. There are plenty of things not to wear, like silk shirts, cashmere sweaters, fragile jewelry, and watches that aren't food-proof. Keep a couple of reserve feeding spoons, a box of tissues, a small mirror and a damp facecloth within arm's reach. These will come in handy when you are faced with baby's favourite diversionary tactics, such as:

1. Mouth Open, also known as the cement-mixer game. As the food goes into the mouth, it

is turned over once or twice by the tongue before being vigorously ejected.

Counterattack: Withdraw the food and apply damp facecloth. Pretend to be busy with something else for a few minutes. Baby will be puzzled, then suspicious, then bored. Now's the moment to try another spoonful. If that succeeds, resume feeding. Jf not, don't waste your time. Your baby isn't hungry.

2. Mouth Closed in the "my lips are sealed" position. Neither spoon nor mug nor nipple shall pass.

Counterattack: Short of pinching the nostrils together, the best way to get the mouth open is to feed from above, since upward movement of head often leads to downward movement of lower jaw. The mirror is also useful here; babies love to watch themselves eat.

3. Floor-bombing, direct attacks on you, ami attempts at mid-air interception of your feeding hand with a flying fist are often used all at once, like a boxer's combination of punches.

Counterattack: Chances are that this is temper and not playfulness. You can try holding: both your baby's hands with your free hand, but this usually only works while the surprise lasts. Next, try a spoonful from above, then one from the back, then from below. If your footwork is dazzling enough, your baby will be too busy watching you to reject the food.

4. The Food-as-a-Hat Trick. Very popular with babies as a tour de force if lesser tactics haven't worked. Either a handful of food or the whole plateful is deposited in the hair and massaged firmly into the roots, usually while you're on the phone.

Counterattack: Tight-fitting rubber hats and instant sponge-downs are both unpopular, and often cause hysterics. If you can bear it, just let

the little beast sit there until discomfort sets in. Otherwise, proceed directly to bath-time. Of course, you may not feel like indulging

your baby even to the extent we suggest. Fair enough. If you're prepared to be firm, there's no reason that you shouldn't preside over quiet and well-ordered meals.

Good eating habits are the direct result of good feeding habits. For example, allocate a certain amount of time to each feed {ten minutes, twenty minutes, whatever your patience will stand). At the end of that time, clear the food away. Don't worry if all of it hasn't been eaten. When babies are hungry, they eat. Playing with the last few mouthfuls is simply another delaying tactic, designed to sap yom patience and willpower.