Li Cunxin - Mao's Last Dancer

First we went to a gift shop where I bought Preston Frazier a decorative Chinese plate as a farewell present. Then I bought Elizabeth a Chinese jade ring. "For our friendship," I said.

She looked at me tenderly. "Thank you," she replied.

In the dark of the movie theatre a Taiwanese film with English subtitles had already started. Forget about the movie, go to her apartment, a voice inside me said. No, you can't do that! Be strong or you will wallow in a greater mess, another voice replied.

Half an hour after the movie finished we were lying on the bed in Elizabeth 's one-bedroom rented apartment, once more immersed in our passionate love. This was too much. You love her. Stay.

I called Lori. It was late afternoon. "Hi, Big Ballerina," I said. "I and Elizabeth, come talk with you?" I asked.

"Li, the Big Ballerino! Sure, when do you want to come?"

"Now okay?" I asked.

"Now? Okay," she replied.

Lori's apartment was half a block away from Elizabeth 's and we were there in no time. "I want marry Elizabeth!" I said to Lori and Delworth as soon as we walked in.

Lori gave Elizabeth and me a passionate hug. She was nearly in tears, she was so happy. Then she became more serious. "Have you told Ben yet?" she asked.

"No. I don't know how or when. He wouldn't like. He will kill me and Elizabeth when he find out, because he love China too much."

"Who cares about that," Delworth barged in. "Let's have a wedding party!"

"In two days I go back China. No time for wedding," I said.

"Well, you could get married in a courthouse. It will only take a couple of hours. Delworth and I can be your witnesses," Lori suggested.

So at ten the next morning Elizabeth and I made our vows as husband and wife in the Harris County Courthouse, with Lori and Delworth by our sides. Elizabeth quickly kissed me, and Lori and Delworth clapped.

After we signed the marriage documents the four of us walked out of the courthouse into a beautiful April day. I'm married. I've married Elizabeth, I thought. And then immediately, what have I done to Ben?

"When are you going to tell Ben?" Elizabeth asked.

"Don't know. Not today. Big party tonight! Maybe tomorrow," I replied. Ben and the company had planned a farewell party for Zhang and I for our second-last night in America.

"We'll have our first night together tomorrow then. I can't wait," she said.

"Ben will be very angry. I don't know what he will do." I felt disoriented. I couldn't stop thinking of what I had done-I had done something behind Ben's back. Once more, happiness was overshadowed by guilt.

"Don't be afraid. We have each other," said Elizabeth. "You can dance anywhere. We can dance in Florida together, they will love you there!"

"Yes, we have each other," I repeated.

We did. We had each other. But neither of us knew how important that would be, only the very next day.

There were over a hundred dancers and friends at the farewell party for Zhang and me that night, held in the main dance studio.

Elizabeth was there too. Everyone brought us presents and wished Zhang and me happiness. I felt like screaming, I'm married! I won't be going back to China tomorrow! Take your presents back! But I couldn't. Instead I put on a pleasant face, thanked everyone for their kindness and continued the deception.

Elizabeth and I had our first dance together that night. "This is our wedding dance," she whispered. "Are you happy?"

I nodded but I felt uncomfortable with Zhang and me being the centre of attention. Lori and Delworth were there too, and the four of us pretended nothing special had happened. Lori's present to me that night was a badge. It said "Don't let the turkeys get you down". It showed a turkey standing on a pile of turkey shit with other turkeys standing threateningly around him. I didn't really understand it but I pinned it to my shirt all the same.

The following morning, the day before I was to return to China, I called Elizabeth at Delworth's as soon as Ben and Zhang had gone out. Elizabeth, Delworth and Lori arrived and loaded up my belongings. Then we went up to Lori's apartment to make the phone call I dreaded most.

"Hello?" Ben answered.

"Ben, I want tell you something," I said straightaway. "I'm married. I'm not go back to China."

Silence.

Eventually, "No, Li, you didn't. Who?"

"Elizabeth Mackey," I replied.

" Elizabeth? You can't be married!" he was virtually shouting now. "You are going back to China! Tomorrow!"

"Ben, listen. I love Elizabeth, she is my wife. I take her to China later when I have money, but not tomorrow," I said.

"Li, I can't believe this! You are destroying everybody's lives. I won't ever be allowed back to China!"

My heart was torn by his words. I knew it was true. I alone would be responsible for creating so much pain for others. I knew Ben had been negotiating with the Chinese government to take some dancers to China -now his plans would be ruined. But I felt like I was being swept up into a whirlpool and only fate could determine the outcome. I wanted to worry about Ben and his plans but I couldn't.

Ben changed to a more persuasive, softer tone. "Oh, Li, why are you doing this? China is where you belong. You are Chinese. You can't stay here! You don't even know Elizabeth!"

"I love Elizabeth, we are married. We are happy…"

"You are not married, don't be stupid!" he interrupted angrily. "Where did you marry?"

I felt our conversation was going nowhere. "Ben, I go now."

"Li, where are you?" he asked urgently.

But it was no use going on. I hung up and buried my head in my hands.

Elizabeth, Lori and Delworth looked very concerned. "What did he say?" Lori asked.

I tried to repeat everything that Ben had said but everyone was becoming emotional by now. I knew one thing for sure. There wouldn't be a future for me at the Houston Ballet. It broke my heart. It was like waiting to be executed. The only comfort was Elizabeth 's love and Lori and Delworth's friendship.

The phone rang.

It was Ben.

"No, Li's not here," Delworth answered.

"Can I speak to Lori?" Ben asked.

"She is not here either," and Delworth hung up.

Another five minutes passed.

Then a loud knock at the door. It was Clare Duncan. "Hello, Delworth. Can I have a word with Li?"

"Li's not here," Delworth repeated.

"Are you sure?" Clare inquired.

"Do I look like a liar?"

Clare left.

Another five minutes.

The phone rang again.

"Delworth, stop it, I know Li is there!" said Ben. "Clare saw his luggage in your car." He paused. "She's let the air out of your tyres. Li's situation is serious. I need to speak to him urgently."

Delworth gave me the phone.

"Ohh… Li!" Ben started to sob. "I'm finished! I've lost everything! Consul Zhang at the consulate thinks I've masterminded this whole thing. They think it's all my fault. You have ruined everything! I'll never be allowed back to China now!"

"I'm sorry, Ben. What you want me say?" I asked.

"I want you to say that this is all a mistake and that you will go back to China. Nothing will change if you go back now. I have spoken to Consul Zhang. You'll still be a hero if you go back to China now. You'll still be allowed to come back."

"If you want live in China, you go," I said.

"Li, the least you can do for me is explain all this to the consulate! Tell them I had nothing to do with it. Can you do this for me?"

"Yes, I will," I replied.

"Then I'll tell Consul Zhang that you will meet them at the consulate," he said and hung up.

"I don't think you should go," Elizabeth said and Lori agreed.

"Already, I say yes to Ben. I don't want change my mind, I will go." I was determined.

"I think we should call Charles Foster," Delworth said, and I knew this was the most sensible idea.