Sophie Kinsella - Remember Me?

“Yes!” She applauds. “That’s better. And kind of flick your eyes past people, like you can’t even waste time acknowledging they’re there.”

I sigh and flop down on the bed. All this bitchy behavior is exhausting. “I was a real cow, wasn’t I?”

“You weren’t as bad as that all the time.” Fi relents. “But we can’t run any risks of people guessing. The meaner the better.”

Fi has been coaching me for the last twenty-four hours. She took a sick day yesterday and came over, bringing breakfast with her. In the end we were so engrossed, she stayed all day, and the night. And she’s done the most brilliant job. I know everything. I know what happened at last year’s Christmas party. I know that at a meeting last year, Byron stormed out and called me an arrogant nobody. I know that vinyl sales went up two percent last March, due to an order from a school in Wokingham, which then complained that the color was wrong and tried to sue us.

My head is so crammed full of facts it’s ready to burst. And that’s not even the most important bit.

“When you go into your office, always slam the door.” Fi is still instructing me. “Then come out and demand a coffee. In that order.”

The most important bit is that I come across like the old bitch-boss Lexi and fool everyone. I put away my lipstick and pick up my briefcase.

“Get me a coffee,” I bark at myself. “At once!”

“Narrow your eyes even more.” Fi surveys me, then nods. “You’re set.”

“Fi…thanks.” I turn and give her a hug. “You’re a star.”

“If you pull this off you’ll be a star.” She hesitates, then adds, a little gruffly, “Even if you don’t pull it off. You didn’t have to make all this effort, Lexi. I know they’re offering you a big job, even if they close the department.”

“Yeah, well.” I rub my nose awkwardly. “That’s not the point. Come on, let’s go.”

As we travel to the office in a cab, my stomach is clenched up with nerves and I can’t make small talk. I’m crazy, doing this. I know I’m crazy. But it’s the only way I can think of.

“Jesus, I’ve got stage fright,” Fi murmurs as we draw up. “And it’s not even me doing it. I don’t know how I’m going to keep a straight face in front of Debs and Carolyn.”

We haven’t told the others what I’m up to. We reckon the fewer people that know, the safer.

“Well, Fi, you’ll just have to make an effort, okay?” I snap in my new-Lexi voice, and nearly giggle as her face jerks in shock.

“God, that’s scary. You’re good.”

We get out of the cab, and I hand the driver the fare, practicing my mean-eyed glare as I collect my change.

“Lexi?” A voice comes from behind me. I look around, all ready to launch my scary-Lexi face on some unsuspecting person-but instead feel it drop in astonishment.

“Amy? What the hell are you doing here?”

“I’ve been waiting for you.” She smooths a strand of hair back a little defiantly. “I’m here to be your intern.”

“You…what?”

As the taxi drives away, I goggle at her. She’s dressed in teetering high heels, fishnets, a tiny pin-striped miniskirt with a matching waistcoat, and her blue-streaked hair in a ponytail. On her lapel is a badge reading You don’t have to be crazy to work here but it helps if you’re a hot lesbian.

“Amy…” I put my hand to my head. “Today really isn’t a good day-”

“You said!” Her voice quivers. “You said you’d sort it out. I’ve made a real effort to get here. I got up early and everything. Mum was really pleased. She said you’d be pleased too.”

“I am pleased! But of all the days…”

“That’s what you said last time. You’re not really interested.” She turns away and yanks her ponytail free. “Fine. I don’t want your stupid crappy job anyway.”

“She might be a distraction,” Fi says beside me in a low voice. “It might actually be a good idea. Can we trust her?”

“Trust me?” Amy’s voice sharpens with interest. “With what?” She comes over, her eyes shining. “Have you guys got a secret?”

“Okay.” I make a snap decision. “Listen, Amy.” I lower my voice. “You can come in, but here’s the thing. I’m telling everyone I’ve recovered my memory and I’m my old self, to get a deal done. Even though I haven’t. Got it?”

Amy doesn’t bat an eyelid. I can see her mind working furiously, taking all this in. There are some advantages to having a scam artist as a little sister.

“So you’re trying to make out you’re the old Lexi,” she says.

“Yes.”

“Then you should look meaner.”

“That’s what I said,” agrees Fi.

“Like you think everyone is just a…worm.”

“Exactly.”

They both sound so sure, I feel a pang of hurt. “Was I ever nice?” I say, a bit plaintively.

“Er…yes!” Fi says unconvincingly. “Plenty of times. Come on.”

As I push open the glass doors to the building, I adopt my meanest scowl. Flanked by Fi and Amy, I stride over the marble, toward the reception desk. Here we go. Showtime.

“Hi,” I snarl at Jenny. “This is my temporary intern, Amy. Please make her out a pass. For your information, I’m fully recovered and if you’ve got any mail for me I want to know why it isn’t upstairs already.”

“Excellent!” whispers Fi by my side.

“There’s nothing for you, Lexi.” Jenny seems taken aback as she fills out a pass for Amy. “So…you remember everything now, do you?”

“Everything. Come on, Fi. We’re late enough already. I need to talk to the team. They’ve been slacking.”

I stride away, toward the lifts. A moment later I can hear Jenny behind me, saying in an excited undertone, “Guess what? Lexi’s got her memory back!” I turn back-and sure enough, she’s already on the phone to someone.

The lift pings. Fi, Amy, and I walk in-and as soon as the doors close, dissolve into giggles.

“High five!” Fi lifts her hand. “That was great!”

We all get out at the eighth floor, and I head straight to Natasha’s desk outside Simon Johnson’s office, my head high and imperious.

“Hi, Natasha,” I say curtly. “I assume you got my message about my memory returning? Obviously I’ll need to see Simon as soon as possible.”

“Yes, I got your message.” Natasha nods. “But I’m afraid Simon’s quite booked up this morning-”

“Then juggle things around! Cancel someone else! It’s essential I see him.”

“Okay!” Natasha types hastily at her keyboard. “I could do you a slot at…ten-thirty?”

“Fantast-” I stop as Fi nudges me. “That’ll be fine,” I amend, shooting Natasha my meanest scowl for good measure. “Come on, Fi.”

God, this barking and snapping is a strain. It’s getting me down and I’ve only been doing it for ten minutes.

“Ten-thirty,” Amy says as we get back in the lift. “That’s cool. Where do we go now?”

“To the Flooring department.” I feel a stab of nerves. “I’ll have to keep this act up till ten-thirty.”

“Good luck.” Fi squeezes my shoulder briefly, and the lift doors open.

As we head along the corridor to the main office I feel slightly sick. I can do this, I tell myself, over and over. I can be a bitch boss. I arrive at the door and stand there for a few moments, surveying the scene before me. Then I draw a breath.

“So.” I summon a harsh, sarcastic voice. “Reading Hello! magazine is work, is it?”

Melanie, who had been flicking through Hello! with a telephone receiver under her chin, jumps as though she’s been scalded and flames red.

“I was just…waiting to be put through to Accounts.” She hastily closes Hello!

“I’ll be speaking to you all about attitude later.” I glare around the room. “And that reminds me. Didn’t I ask everyone to provide full written travel-expense breakdowns two months ago? I want to see them.”