Sophie Kinsella - Remember Me?

Humming, I head into the sitting room and slot the Ambition DVD into the player. I never did watch the rest of this. Maybe it’ll help me get back into office mode. I fast-forward through the introductory shots, until I come to a bit with me in a limo with two guys in suits, and press Play.

“Lexi and her teammates won’t be taking it easy tonight,” explains a male voice-over. The camera focuses in on me, and I hold my breath with anticipation.

“We’re going to win this task!” I’m saying in a sharp voice to the guys, slapping the back of one hand on the other palm. “If we have to work around the clock, we’re going to win. Okay? No excuses.”

My jaw drops slightly. Is that fierce, scary businesswoman me? I’ve never spoken like that in my life.

“As ever, Lexi is taking her team to task,” says the voice-over. “But has the Cobra gone too far this time?”

I don’t quite understand what he’s talking about. What cobra?

The picture now flashes to one of the guys from the limo. He’s sitting in an office chair, a night sky visible through the plate-glass window behind him.

“She isn’t human,” he’s muttering. “There’s only so many fucking hours in the day. We’re all doing our best, you know, but does she fucking care?”

As he’s talking, an image of me striding around some warehouse has appeared on the screen. I feel a sudden dismay. Is he talking about me? Now the picture cuts to a full, stand-up row between me and the same guy. We’re standing on a London street and he’s trying to defend himself, but I’m not letting him get a word in.

“You’re sacked!” I snap at last, my voice so scathing that I wince. “You’re sacked from my team!”

“And the Cobra has struck!” the jaunty voice-over comes again. “Let’s see that moment again!”

Hang on a minute. Is he saying-

I’m the Cobra?

To menacing music, a slow-motion replay has begun onscreen, zooming right into my face.

“You’re ssssssacked!” I’m hissing. “You’re sssssacked from my team.”

I stare, light-headed with horror. What the fuck have they done? They’ve manipulated my voice. It sounds like I’m a snake.

“And Lexi’s in top venomous form this week!” says the voice-over. “Meanwhile, over on the other team…”

A different group of people in suits appears on the screen and starts arguing about a price negotiation. But I’m too shell-shocked to move.

Why-How-

Why didn’t anyone tell me? Why didn’t anyone warn me about this? On autopilot, I reach for my phone and jab in Eric’s number.

“Hi, Lexi.”

“Eric, I just watched the DVD of that TV show!” My voice comes shooting out in agitation. “They called me the Cobra! I was a total bitch to everyone! You never told me about that!”

“Sweetheart, it was a great show,” says Eric soothingly. “You came across really well.”

“But they named me after a snake.”

“So what?”

“So I don’t want to be a snake!” I know I sound almost hysterical, but I can’t help it. “No one likes snakes! I’m more like a…a squirrel. Or a koala.”

Koalas are soft and furry. And a bit snaggly.

“A koala? Lexi!” Eric laughs. “Darling, you’re a cobra. You have timing. You have attack. That’s what makes you a great businesswoman.”

“But I don’t want to be-” I break off as the buzzer sounds. “My taxi’s here. I’d better go.”

I head into the bedroom and pick up my three glossy gift bags, trying to regain my former optimism, trying to be excited about the day again. But suddenly all my confidence has evaporated.

I’m a snake. No wonder everyone hates me.

As my taxi wends its way toward the Victoria Palace Road, I sit rigid on the backseat, clutching my gift bags, giving myself a pep talk. First of all, everyone knows the TV skews things. No one really thinks I’m a snake. Besides which, that TV show was ages ago-everyone’s probably forgotten about it.

Oh God. The trouble with giving yourself a pep talk is, deep down you know it’s all bullshit.

The taxi deposits me outside the building and I take a deep breath, tugging my beige Armani suit straight. Then, with trepidation, I make my way up to the third floor. As I step out of the lift the first thing I see is Fi, Carolyn, and Debs standing by the coffee machine. Fi is gesturing to her hair and talking with animation while Carolyn chips in, but as I appear the conversation instantly stops, as though someone pulled the plug on the radio.

“Hi, you guys!” I look around with the warmest, friendliest smile I can muster. “I’m back again!”

“Hi, Lexi.” There’s a general muted reply and Fi makes a kind of acknowledging shrug. Okay, it wasn’t a smile-but at least it was a reaction.

“You look really nice, Fi! That top’s great.” I gesture at her cream shirt and she follows my gaze in surprise. “And Debs, you look fab too. And Carolyn! Your hair looks so cool, all cropped like that and…and those boots are fantastic!”

“These?” Carolyn snorts with laughter and kicks one brown suede boot against the other. “I’ve had them for years.”

“Well, still…they’re really striking!”

I’m gabbling with nerves, talking a load of bollocks. No wonder they all seem unimpressed. Fi’s arms are folded and Debs looks like she wants to giggle.

“So, anyway…” I force myself to slow down a bit. “I got you all a little something. Fi, this is for you, and Debs…”

As I hand over the gift bags they suddenly look ridiculously shiny and conspicuous.

“What’s this for?” Debs says blankly.

“Well, you know! Just to…um…” I falter slightly. “You guys are my friends, and…Go on. Open them!”

Giving each other uncertain looks, all three start ripping at their wrapping paper.

“Gucci?” Fi says in disbelief as she pulls out a green jewelry box. “Lexi, I can’t accept-”

“Yes, you can! Please. Just open it, you’ll see…”

Silently, Fi snaps it open to reveal a gold bangle watch.

“D’you remember?” I say eagerly. “We always used to look at them in the shop windows. Every weekend. And now you’ve actually got one!”

“Actually…” Fi sighs, looking uncomfortable. “Lexi, I got it two years ago.”

She lifts up her sleeve and she’s wearing exactly the same watch, only a little duller and older-looking.

“Oh,” I say, my heart sinking. “Oh, right. Well, never mind. I can take it back, or exchange it, we can get something else…”

“Lexi, I can’t use this,” Carolyn chimes in, and hands back the perfume gift set I bought her, together with the leather tote it came in. “That smell makes me gag.”

“But it’s your favorite,” I say in bewilderment.

“Was,” she corrects me. “Before I fell pregnant.”

“You’re pregnant?” I stare at her, overwhelmed. “Oh my God! Carolyn, congratulations! That’s so wonderful! I’m so happy for you. Matt will be the best dad ever-”

“It’s not Matt’s baby.” She cut me off flat.

“It’s not?” I say stupidly. “But what…Did you two break up?”

They can’t have broken up. It’s impossible. Everyone assumed Carolyn and Matt would be together forever.

“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?” Carolyn says almost in a whisper. To my horror I see her eyes have turned pink behind her glasses and she’s breathing hard. “See you.” She thrusts all the wrapping paper and ribbon at me, then turns and strides off, back toward the office.

“Great, Lexi,” says Fi sarcastically. “Just when we thought she’d finally got over Matt.”

“I didn’t know!” I say, aghast. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry…” I rub my face, feeling hot and flustered. “Debs, open your present.”