Sophie Kinsella - Remember Me?

This Jon guy is probably a psycho. He probably makes a habit of targeting people with amnesia and telling them he’s their lover. There’s no evidence we’re having an affair. None. I haven’t seen any mention of him, no scribbled notes, no photos, no mementos.

But then…I’d hardly leave them around for Eric to find, would I? says a tiny voice at the back of my brain.

I sit perfectly still for a moment, letting my thoughts swirl around. Then on impulse I get up and head into my clothes room. I hurry to the dressing table and wrench open the top drawer. It’s full of Chanel makeup, arranged in neat rows by Gianna. I shut the drawer and pull open the next, which is full of folded scarves. The next contains a jewelry roll and a suede photo album, both empty.

Slowly I shut the drawer. Even here, in my very own private sanctum, everything’s so tidy and sterile and kind of nothing-y. Where’s the mess? Where’s the stuff? Where’s the letters and the photos? Where’s all my studded belts and free lipsticks off crappy magazines? Where’s…me?

I lean forward on my elbows, chewing my nail for a moment. Then inspiration hits me. Underwear drawer. If I was going to hide anything, it would be there. I open the wardrobe and pull open my knicker drawer. I reach down among the satiny sea of La Perla -but I can’t feel anything. Nor in my bra drawer…

“Looking for something?” Eric’s voice makes me jump. I turn my head to see him standing at the door, watching me search, and at once my cheeks stain pink.

He knows.

No, he doesn’t. Don’t be stupid. There’s nothing to know.

“Hi, Eric!” I withdraw my hands from the cupboard as nonchalantly as I can. “I just thought I’d look for…some bras!”

Okay, this is the main reason why I can’t be having an affair. I’m the most crap liar in the world. Why would I need “some bras”? Do I suddenly have six boobs?

“Actually, I was wondering,” I continue hastily. “Is there any more of my stuff anywhere?”

“Stuff?” Eric wrinkles his brow.

“Letters, diaries, that kind of thing?”

“There’s your desk in the office. That’s where you keep all your work files.”

“Of course.” I’d forgotten about the office. Or rather, I thought it was more Eric’s domain than mine.

“It was a marvelous evening last night, I thought.” Eric comes a couple of steps into the room. “Bravo, darling. Can’t have been easy for you.”

“It was good fun.” I sit back on my haunches, fiddling with my watch strap. “There were some…interesting people there.”

“You weren’t too overwhelmed?”

“A little.” I shoot him a bright smile. “There’s still so much to learn.”

“Well, you know you can ask me anything about your life. That’s what I’m here for.” Eric spreads his arms. “Is there anything particular on your mind?”

I stare back at him for a moment, speechless.

Have I been shagging your architect, do you happen to know?

“Well.” I clear my throat. “Since you ask, I was just wondering. We are happy together, aren’t we? We do have a happy…faithful…marriage?”

I’m thinking I dropped in faithful quite subtly there, but Eric’s keen ears pick it up straightaway.

“Faithful?” He frowns. “Lexi, I’ve never been unfaithful to you. I would never think of being unfaithful to you. We made vows. We made a commitment.”

“Of course!” I exclaim quickly. “Absolutely.”

“I can’t even imagine how such an idea came to you.” He looks quite shocked. “Has someone been saying otherwise? One of our guests? Because whoever it was-”

“No! No one said anything! I just…everything’s still so new and strange.” I’m floundering, my face hot. “I just…thought I’d ask. Just out of interest.”

Okay, so we don’t have some open, groovy marriage. Just in case I needed that point clarified.

I shut the bra drawer, open another at random, and stare at three rows of rolled-up tights, my mind whirling. I should move away from this whole subject area. But I can’t help it, I have to probe.

“So, um, that guy…” I wrinkle my brow artificially as though I can’t remember his name. “The architect guy.”

“Jon.”

“Jon. Of course. He seems like a pretty good guy.” I shrug, trying to appear as casual as possible.

“Oh, one of the best,” says Eric firmly. “He’s been a massive part of our success. That guy has more imagination than anyone I know.”

“Imagination?” I seize on this with slight hope. “So is he maybe overimaginative sometimes? Like…a bit of a fantasist?”

“No.” Eric seems puzzled. “Not at all. He’s my right-hand man. You’d trust Jon with your life.”

To my relief, the phone suddenly gives a shrill ring, before Eric can ask why I’m so interested in Jon.

Eric disappears into the bedroom to answer it and I shut the tights drawer. I’m about to give up on searching in my cupboard when suddenly I see something I never noticed before. A concealed drawer, at the base of the unit, with a tiny keypad located to the right.

I have a secret drawer?

My heart starts to thump. Slowly I reach down and punch in the PIN number I’ve always used-4591. There’s a tiny click-and the drawer opens. Glancing at the door to make sure Eric isn’t there, I gingerly stretch out my hand and clasp my hand around something hard, like the handle of a…

It’s a whip.

For a moment I’m too gobsmacked to move. It’s a little whip, with strands of black leather, like something straight out of a bondage shop. I’m totally transfixed by the sight of it in my hand. Is this my adultery whip? Have I turned into a completely different person? Am I now a fetishist and go to S &M bars to drag men around while wearing a studded corset?

Suddenly I can feel eyes on me and turn to see Eric leaning in the doorway. His gaze falls on the whip and he raises his eyebrows quizzically.

“Oh!” I say, starting in panic. “I just…I found that here! I didn’t know…”

“You’d better not leave that around for Gianna to find.” He sounds amused.

I stare back, my befuddled brain working overtime. Eric knows about the whip. He’s smiling. That, therefore, would mean…

No. Way.

No way no way no way.

“This wasn’t in the manual, Eric!” I’m aiming to sound light and jokey, but my voice is shrill.

“Not everything’s in the manual.” His eyes twinkle.

Okay, this is changing the rules. I thought everything was supposed to be in the manual.

I glance at the whip nervously. So…what happens? Do I whip him? Or does he-

No. I can’t think about it anymore. I shove it back in the drawer and bang it shut, my hands sweaty.

“That’s right.” Eric gives me a tiny wink. “Keep it safe. See you later.” He heads out and a few moments later I hear the front door bang.

I think I might need a small vodka.

In the end I settle for a cup of coffee and two biscuits Gianna gives me from her private stash. God, I’ve missed biscuits. And bread. And toast. I could die for some toast, all chewy and golden, slathered in butter…

Anyway, stop fantasizing about carbs. And stop thinking about the whip. One teeny whip. So what?

Mum’s coming over to visit at eleven, and I have nothing to do till then. I wander into the sitting room, sit down on the arm of the immaculate sofa, and open a magazine. After two minutes I close it again. I’m too edgy to read. It’s as if tiny cracks are appearing in my perfect life. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know what to do.

I put down my coffee cup and stare at my immaculate nails. I was a normal girl with frizzy hair and snaggle teeth and a crap boyfriend. And a fairly crap job, and friends who I had a laugh with, and a cozy little flat.