Jen Lancaster - If You Were Here

123

One of my tricks is to always have a pack of her brand in my purse whenever we’re together. Her husband keeps a spare carton in the freezer for the same reason.

124

Oh, honey — sometimes “B” is for “Bitch Be Crazy.”

125

But not Jebediah. Never Jebediah.

126

I miss college.

127

Which essentially calls for us to not exist.

128

And fear of being hobbled.

129

I don’t want to be greedy.

130

As if I wasn’t going to notice all the smoke and extinguisher foam and firemen.

131

Translation: By the order of the Ministry of Defense.

132

Literally.

133

Why do they always fly directly at your hair? Why?

134

All of them white and matching!

135

Or down an uprising — I’m not actually sure which side is paying him.

136

Whom I call Paddy.

137

Whom I call Brawny.

138

Whom I call Sunny.

139

Remember when it used to take, like, ten minutes to cook a hot dog? Those were dark days, my friend.

140

I wonder if this is how the Larry Craig scandal started?

141

Big lake.

142

Your choice.

143

And there’s certainly no reason in the world to have gardeners on staff .You know what? Three months later and that still pisses me off.

144

At least well enough to keep our neighbors from complaining.

145

Ladies, if your man can get in and out of that godforsaken place in less than an hour, please give him a medal or a lap dance or a pie or something. That kind of time management needs to be rewarded.

146

And Google “how much do goats cost?”

147

As opposed to never.

148

Although I’m in no position to argue.

149

Had I known you could write in jail, I’d have taken care of Vienna long ago and then none of this would have ever happened.

150

What Would Mose Do?

151

The good news is, I can fit into my high school jeans again. The bad news is, they’re acid washed.

152

FTR, Stephenie, that’s how I’d describe a meadow.

153

And wasn’t scared of being on the sand at all .

154

Methinks Blair Waldorf would make an excellent zombie.

155

And IP phone line.

156

Meals ready to eat.

157

Heloderma horridum . Come on, is that not the best Latin name you’ve ever heard?

158

Their words, not mine. And yes, I had to choke back a laugh when they said that, too.

159

Or have something bad happen to Vlad’s family. With Babcia, you kind of never know.

160

Like Abington Cambs would ever allow a Laundromat to sully their town green!

161

Apparently this is a big deal.

162

When you give instruction on how an actor’s supposed to say a line, e.g., “dryly.”

163

RIP.

164

Three!

165

Nat’s been very clear that I should not actually verbalize this sentiment.

166

Am scarred from our old bathroom situation.

167

Or nothing.

168

Apparently it wasn’t hard to remove once it was cut in half.

169

And no one fucking forgot it.

170

Yep, still funny.

171

No doubt to pick out Miriam’s bikini.

172

Babcia paid for first class on my solemn word that I would create a role for Kevin Spacey.

173

You don’t spend four years living with someone without learning a few of her tricks.

174

Their words, not ours.