Jen Lancaster - If You Were Here

Funny, not one of them envisions a thirtysomething ex — porn actress for any of these roles. Except for Nick, of course. He’s hoping we’ll consider Traci Lords.

I tab over to read my Facebook messages and I run across a couple of familiar names in the in-box. Looks like I’ve gotten notes from both Amberleigh and Lolly. Of course, they’re both dead wrong for the parts, but I do appreciate anyone who sends a thank-you note. Manners still count, you know?

I open Amberleigh’s first. Hiya Miya,

Small pet peeve here, if I may? My name is three letters and I get a wee bit stabby when people spell it wrong. I dunno if you rememumber me but I tried out for Marion.

Oh, honey, I won’t forget you or your jeans shorts. You should cast me becuz I LOVE your books!

Plus ten points for the bimbo. Vampries turn me on and I would totally have a three-way with Edward and Jacob.

And… thanks for coming out. Delete.

Then I begin to read Lolly’s letter. Mia,Thank you for the opportunity to audition. I’m currently awaiting a callback.

What’s the expression I’m looking for?

Ah, yes, over my dead body. Your books are superfun and I know I’d be a great Mary Ann.

Unfortunately we’re not casting any Mary Anns. If you cast me in your movie, I am willing to do the following to you:

I scan the list and. .Yikes. She really wants this part.

A lot.

I’m not sure number sixteen is even legal.

I feel dirty even knowing some of this stuff exists.

Um, wow.

I always heard rumors that the casting couch existed. Guess I never realized one day I might be running the couch.

I think that’s enough fan mail for the day.

I’m going to get ready for this afternoon’s casting session now. By taking a Silkwood shower.

I’m almost late for the meeting because I couldn’t stop scrubbing. Most of the team is assembled and we’re here to discuss final callbacks for principal roles. I pretty much hate everyone Seth likes, and what sucks is that I don’t have right of first refusal. Per my contract, I’m allowed input on the decisions, but I don’t get final say. As EP, Seth is the one with all the power. I guess the trade-off is that I get a really big check.

I settle into my seat at the conference table and grab a bottle of Fiji water. I’m probably not even going to drink it; I just like to take them, since they’re free. I’ve got quite the collection of them back in my hotel room just in case the Four Seasons runs out of water and I need to wash my hair or something. 166

Seth opens the meeting with a bombshell. “Good news, everyone! We’ve found our Marion!”

“Miriam,” I correct in a tone that I mean to sound firm but instead comes across as passive-aggressive. There’s a low rumble of whispered conversations and collective surprise at the table. Sounds like none of us were part of this decision.

“Right, right! Miriam, I meant to say.” He flashes me a shiny white, fully veneered, completely insincere smile. “We needed someone new and fresh, but she had to be the kind of person who would get audiences talking — I mean, really talking! So I figured, why not go for broke? Why not reach for the stars? Why not bring on the biggest It Girl out there?”

The room instantly begins to buzz. Who is it? Who’d he get? Who possesses such star power that he didn’t even have her read for us? Big, huge names are bandied about the room as Seth goes to retrieve our Miriam.

My mind races with possibilities — is it Taylor Swift? She could be amazing in the role. My tweens would love her, and adults would appreciate her charm and authenticity. What about Amanda Seyfried? She’s a triple threat, and her eyes are so expressive. She’s not what I envisioned as Miriam’s physical type, but the truth is, she’d be perfect with all her blue-eyed innocence. Blake Lively would bring grace and a timeless elegance to the role, and Emma Stone could be great in that she’d bring such comedic timing. Ooh, what about Carey Mulligan? How spectacular would it be to have an Oscar nominee speaking my words on the big screen?

The air is electric with anticipation as the door swings open. Seth’s wearing a triumphant smile as he heads to the end of the table. “Ladies and gentlemen, may I present. . Miriam!”

“My name isn’t Miriam, you douche.”

It takes me a second to realize that this is not, in fact, a nightmare, and that the woman standing in front of us clad in a leopardprint catsuit and ermine wrap is indeed Vienna Hyatt.

“I’m, like, totally an actress now.”

And I’m, like, totally done here.

“So I ran away. I went back to my hotel room and packed up all my stuff, even all my silly hoarded bottles of water, and I caught the red-eye home. Except I didn’t go home, because I can’t face being there, either.”

After Seth’s big announcement, I simply stood up from the table, grabbed my Fiji water, and left the studio. I could not willingly participate in the destruction of my own work.

“And you know what really gets me? Vienna didn’t recognize me. Neither my name nor my face rang a bell. The bitch pretty much set the destruction of my home, my career, and my marriage in motion, and she didn’t have the courtesy to remember who I was.

“I was out there only three weeks, and I absolutely see why you had to get out of that town. The things regular people are willing to do to become famous and crap that powerful people pull to stay that way… it makes me sick, the whole business. How did I want this for so long?”

The sun is the perfect shade of pink-gold in the sky. Movie people call this the magic hour, and they spend scads of money to film at this time of day. So I guess I learned something valuable, albeit esoteric, while I was in LA.

“The one bright spot is that Kara was there for me immediately when I called her. She admitted she was initially avoiding me after her outing, but then she got involved in other stuff and lost track of everything, so we’re totally cool now. Maybe even stronger than before, having weathered our first friend fight. She lent me her new car to drive up here this afternoon. Funny story, after she had it out with her parents, she realized her problem is that she needed to grow up. She figured the easiest way to start would be to buy a new car so she didn’t have to rely on her parents when her old one broke down.

“The car salesman was cute and Indian, they hit it off immediately, and they’ve spent every second together since they met. Kara’s all mad at herself because she says she’s become one of those girls who forgets her friends when she gets a boyfriend. But I think we’re all giving her a pass on that. Plus, her family loves the guy — he’s working at CarMax only while he gets his PhD — and everyone’s happy. Folks love a happy ending.”

I bite at a cuticle and stare off in the direction of the lake. “I’m glad it worked out for her. As for me? Everything’s a shit show right now. I keep letting studio calls go to voice mail, same with my agents, and the one person I want to talk to isn’t picking up.

“I need to go home, but I don’t want to. I’m terrified to see the place, because I haven’t a clue what to expect. I’m so scared that if I get there and Mac hasn’t made any effort in getting things together that it’s the symbolic end of us. I feel like that stupid house is a euphemism for our entire marriage right now. I’m desperate to find out where we stand, but I’m afraid to get a definitive answer. What’s that line that Allison Reynolds says in The Breakfast Club ? You want to but you can’t and then you do and you wish you hadn’t? That’s how I feel about going home.