Jen Lancaster - If You Were Here

And that’s when we’re all taught a little chemistry lesson, although it’s Vienna who really learns that polystyrene hair extensions work as an ad hoc wick, and her entire head goes up in flames.

Before Mac can jog back to the house to grab a hose,Vienna’s flunky immediately douses her with Diet Snapple and whacks her flaming do with the new Marc Jacobs hobo bag while Vienna sheds every inch of her flaming clothing. Then they both hop into her car and scream off into the night.

“Mac,” I say,“I’m pretty sure we haven’t heard the last of Vienna.”

“I suspect you’re right,” he agrees.

Then I lean back into his arms. “Do you care?”

“Right now? Not a bit.”

“Want to know what’s funny?” I ask.

“Hmm?”

“If ORNESTEGA taught us anything, it was to wear a full set of drawers before trying to set someone’s house on fire. Also? I bet Vienna would kill for a pair of Spider-Man underpants right about now.”

Now that our house is done and our neighbors’ hatred has morphed from active to dormant, I’m ready to enjoy every amenity this community has to offer.

Huh.

Somehow I thought there’d be more amenities.

Is it possible that twenty-plus years of John Hughes movies built unrealistic expectations?

“Hello, sir, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Six months, to be exact. I know, I know; I meant to come, but I guess we’ve just been a little preoccupied. Mac’s been back at work for a while, and he got a big promotion, and the commute’s been making him crazy. Me? I’ve been busy working on a new book that I kind of love. It’s a departure in that I’m giving the Amish a little vacation for now and I’m writing more of what I know. This one takes place in a regular suburban high school.”

I fiddle with the package in my hand and shift from foot to foot to warm up. There’s a ton of snow on my usual bench, so I don’t sit down. “I guess the big news is. . we bought a house back in the city. Turns out once our place was finished we realized how bored we are in Abington Cambs. Seriously, they roll the streets up at eight p.m. around here, and I’ve got zip in common with the Ladies Who Lunch or the Ladies Who Life Time (Fitness). This would be an amazing place to raise kids, but it’s just not for us.

“No, we’re not selling the place. My family plans to expand the business to the Midwest and they need a base of operations, so Babcia and Jessica and her family are going to stay in my house. So I’ll be around. Not as much, but I’ll stop by from time to time.

“Anyway, I brought you a little something different today. I hope you like it. And because I can’t say it enough, thanks for everything, sir.”

Then I place a copy of my new manuscript on the ground before I walk away.

I’m calling it Sixteen Zombies .

Before I get to the thanking part, I have to apologize to the owners of the house featured in Sixteen Candles . This home (the outside, at least — haven’t been peeking in anyone’s windows) (yet) is nothing short of spectacular, and I’m sure the neighbors are lovely. Should this book cause people to drive by the place, then I’m supersorry, but my guess is, if you bought Jake Ryan’s house, you probably expect a few rubberneckers, yes?

Anyway, a million thanks go out to my readers, who make everything possible! I hope you enjoyed reading my first foray into fiction as much as I did writing it.

To everyone at NAL, I couldn’t be more grateful, particularly to my editor, Danielle Perez, who totally got it when I pitched this idea. . a month before an entirely different book was due. Thank you for trusting my instincts. Much gratitude also goes to Kara Welsh, Claire Zion, Craig Burke, Melissa Broder, sales and marketing, and especially the art department for creating my favorite cover ever. And, of course, thanks to Kate Garrick of DeFiore and Co., who’s been with me from day one. (Seriously, six books? How’d we get here?)

Big love to my own personal Breakfast Club — Stacey Ballis, Gina Barge, and Tracey Stone — and my Algonquin Round Table — Caprice Crane, Karyn Bosnak, Sarah Grace McCandless, Jolene Siana, and Amy Lamare — who inspired the teenage-Amishzombies-in-love bit. And to my Indian Wells Six-Feet-I’m-Pacing-It-Off Beach Buddies — Angie, Poppy, Blackbird, and Wendy — same time next year?

Of course, nothing’s possible without Fletch. I’m sorry for all the times I confused you with Mac and got mad when you’d attempt a home repair. (But seriously, never buy one of those stupid lightbulbs again.) For the record, Fletch is actually quite handy, and yes, I’m willing to put that in print.

The best part of writing this book was studying up on John Hughes and revisiting all his work. In particular, I found books by Susannah Gora, Jaime Clark and Ally Sheedy, and Thomas A. Christie to be not only full of insight but also fascinating. Also of note is the film Don’t You Forget About Me . These writers and filmmakers confirmed what I already suspected — that Hughes was truly a genius and his work will continue to influence generations to come. Thank you for not forgetting about him.

1

Né John Brian MacNamara.

2

He’s never anything but sweet to me, and I do my best to return the favor. He and I are like the Soviet Union and the United States during the Cold War: Whoever pushes the button pretty much sets our mutually assured destruction into motion. And like that nice pre— Ferris Bueller Matthew Broderick taught us in the movie War Games , the only way to win is not to play.

3

Much like Jay and Silent Bob in Dogma , I didn’t learn that Shermer was a fictional place until years after I first saw the movies. However, it’s based on a real town, so I wasn’t too devastated.

4

Ten points if you caught the Jeffersons reference.

5

A Great North American Barkhound.

6

Seriously, no, thanks.

7

I don’t actually know if this is a real expression, but it sounds vaguely Canadian, much like Holmes is vaguely Canadian.

8

And believe me, I’ve tried.

9

Technically, we’re Libertarians, but when’s the last time they won an election?

10

Mac’s expert marksman advice — turning the gun sideways to shoot works only in the movies. In real life it’s an absolute guarantee you’re going to a) miss and b) sprain your wrist.

11

Try the feta cheese plate. You’ll thank me.

12

I bet there are no drive-by shootings at all in Stephenie Meyer’s ’hood.

13

The way I see it, I can have a Barbie collection or magnifying readers; I can’t have both. I choose Barbie.

14

This isn’t gossip so much as it is fine, fine reporting from the folks at Us magazine.

15

As per the March 26, 2009, issue of Star .

16

My sorority crafted a lot of signs of the WE’RE PI-FIRED UP variety.

17

And when did it stop being Kinko’s?

18

Even though Mac would.

19

Does this work as an expression? I had Ishmael say it to Mose in Amish Is as Good as a Mile. Later it occurred to me that pacifists might not study a lot of Vietnam War history, or engage in any sort of combat, even like punching a gangbanger in his smug face, for that matter. But come on, it’s no less plausible than vampires who won’t drink human blood.

20

Damn you, Botox, for making my forehead so smooth and expressionless but mostly smooth.

21

What, you thought I got all that crap done for vanity’s sake? Come on!