Jen Lancaster - If You Were Here

22

Why, yes, Mac does make me watch a lot of Military Channel programming with him. How’d you know?

23

Also known as the AC.

24

I pity the fool. . who disrespects dendrophiliacs.

25

Fine, the Cambs isn’t technically located above the arctic circle, but it sure feels that way today.

26

I have a PhD in HGTV.

27

Wait, this is a really sad fantasy, isn’t it?

28

And this is where the author breaks the fourth wall, noting that every book she writes has a nod to Mean Girls in it. What can Jen say? It was a really good movie.

29

This was back when her shows were still trashy.

30

Also hails from the Cambs.

31

Screw her and her eighty-five-million book sales right in the ear.

32

Knock it off!

33

Ten points if you caught the Bowie reference.

34

You know what? I’m too embarrassed to even finish that sentence.

35

Read: boring.

36

And they don’t ask any pesky questions about my research methods.

37

Or Colorado.

38

What, they didn’t?

39

Mrs. Patel’s words, not mine.

40

Okay, technically, we could , as my sales in Germany are currently through the roof. Seriously, I’m like the second coming of Hasselhoff over there.

41

Can’t actually frown.

42

Picture the Playboy Mansion, only with more ivy and less booty.

43

Give or take a few kajillion hundred.

44

Furniture and men.

45

Kind of like RuPaul is a tad dramatic.

46

Note to self: Subscribe to Elle Decor , like, yesterday.

47

Now with twenty percent more plastic grapes!

48

Also, I’m getting tired of throwing out all my good pans.

49

FYI, kids, flashing gang signs is a lot less scary when you’re wearing mittens. I suggest you either buy gloves or wait until it’s warmer to represent.

50

Apparently in her world, it’s not fourteen degrees outside.

51

Her words, not mine.

52

You know what I mean.

53

Figurative Shat — would that not be an excellent postpunk band name?

54

Which is impossible.

55

Kara’s a nationally syndicated sex and dating advice columnist and not just a conduit for dirty correspondence. When she was pitching her work, I begged her to call the column “The Kara Sutra,” but apparently that’s already a porn site. Damn.

56

Polish for “grandmother.”

57

Like I said, protein is a priority.

58

Earnest money is what you put down in a real estate transaction to secure a buying contract. Typically it’s about five percent of the purchase price, and the point is to show the seller the buyer has skin in the game. Once the house is under contract, the earnest money doesn’t get returned if the buyer flakes out for any reason other than a bad inspection. This public service message has been brought to you by HGTV.

59

Also, Bridget Jones’s Diary is classic literature. Ask anyone.

60

The exact word he used was “moron.”

61

Theoretical, of course.

62

Apparently harvest gold and avocado appliances are not the new black.

63

Yes, I gave in and hired a maid service after this. When the universe drops heavy shit on you, you tend to listen.

64

According to Mac, you never know when you might need to disperse a riot in front of your house.

65

My dad now owns an auto body shop in Ohio. Was he inspired by Keith in Some Kind of Wonderful ? Who can say for sure?

66

Literal translation is “my little froggy.” This term of endearment never quite caught on in English.

67

Without the mole. Maybe eighty-one with it.

68

A bean of some sort?

69

Yeah. I went there.

70

Apparently I enjoy “not packing” almost as much as I enjoy “not writing.”

71

The one on 24 , not our kitten.

72

What, you don’t have one?

73

Mac says you may as well be firing a staple gun if you’re going to use a.22-caliber weapon.

74

Pun intended.

75

It would be indelicate for me to mention that anyone with $9.99 and a broadband Internet connection could watch Vienna “perform jobs.”

76

I don’t hold Twilight against him.

77

With her pants on. (Blouse optional.)

78

Kara and I have had many a liquid lunch discussing this fact.

79

Particularly Speidi, although who doesn’t hate them just a little?

80

Almost.

81

Note to self — stop reading the paper online.

82

I’ll take three boxes of Samoas and two Thin Mints, please.

83

Bred like rabbits, those people.

84

I see a long, soft sit in my future.

85

Read: shout him stupid.

86

Estimated installation time on the package? Two hours. Actual installation time? Six days.

87

That’s what she said. (Sorry. Couldn’t resist.)

88

Not necessarily in that order.

89

She found their whites to be too “dirt filthy.”

90

Babcia claimed, “God tell give Babcia. You no like? You tell God; I send you see Him.”

91

I might be phrasing this wrong, but my point is, should neighbors really have a say over what kind of mailbox I choose?

92

Yes. And what’s wrong with rosé? It’s delicious!

93

Yes,Ann Marie was right about the “five-pound bag of flour” business, damn it.

94

Oh, Mean Girls Gretchen, I feel your pain.

95

I can’t quite tell.

96

Alaknanda, which means “flawless.”

97

Pun not intended this time.

98

With enough maraschino cherries in it, it’s not bad.

99

Sounds crazy, but that’s how publishing works sometimes.

100

Miriam’s a sucker for durable and decorative cement countertops, but Rebecca’s more of a traditionalist in that she prefers granite with an onyx tile backsplash.

101

Fortunately it was still in its case when the toilet hobbled my desk.

102

Fictional Jake Ryan family, what were you thinking when you installed mauve shag?

103

Remind me to tell you about the Great 2007 Residence Inn by Marriott Free Breakfast Bar Massacre sometime.

104

A Polish version of Crazy Eights.

105

Hard to picture, but trust me, it’s FAB.

106

His expression, not mine.

107

Very cautiously. Oh, so cautiously.

108

You should have seen the look on Ann Marie’s face when she spotted that.

109

After the past two weeks of sanding and staining purgatory, trust me when I say I’d make sure something very bad happened to him.

110

Multiple density fiberboard.

111

Yes, a tetanus shot was in order.

112

And an oyster containing two tickets to that thing I love.

113

The guide told me to.

114

Oh, yeah, baby. Now you’re talking my language.

115

I learned a long time ago it’s best just to eliminate any potential temptations.

116

A sport he normally calls “an excuse for morons to wear ugly pants.”

117

Even though it’s almost impossible to tell.

118

“Not Polish!”

119

And by “we” I mean the management of the Shops at Sunset Place.

120

Oh, so many checks.

121

I never knew there was a younger, even scarier version of Ann Marie until I met her assistant.

122

I didn’t let him pay her, of course, although I suspect she may be the reason his three-hundred-dollar Allen Edmonds loafers went missing on that trip. Poor guy had to head to Christmas dinner in a sport coat and a pair of running shoes.