Chris Cleave - Incendiary

—Chopper, said our boy. Chopper chopper chopper.

He grinned. He loved that word.

Then they climbed in our old Astra and drove off. The boy pressed his nose against the window glass and I waved him good-bye. I don’t even remember if he waved back. I wasn’t really watching I was thinking about what we needed from the shops. It’s funny but you don’t think about death you think about running out of crisps and toilet roll. I never saw my husband or my boy again.

I went to the shop and I bought toilet roll bacon eggs choc-chip ice cream crisps chicken kievs butter bin bags and beer. The ice cream was a treat for my chaps when they got back from the game. It was my boy’s second-favourite thing after his dad. On the way back from the shop I saw Jasper Black and he was about to get into the Aston Martin DB7.

—Hello there, he said.

—Alright. That’s a nice motor. I’ll bet it does 0 to 60 in 5 seconds flat. I’ll bet it does 170 maybe 180.

—Gosh, said Jasper Black. I didn’t know you knew cars.

—Well that just goes to show you don’t know anything about me at all.

—I’d like to get to know you better, said Jasper Black.

—I’ll bet you would but I’m afraid that won’t be possible.

—Excuse me? said Jasper Black.

—You heard. The other night was a mistake. My husband’s a good man I should never of cheated on him.

—Well can’t we at least talk? said Jasper Black.

—Nope. My choc-chip’s melting.

—I suppose I should really be going too, said Jasper Black.

—Well off you trot then. Wherever you’re going I reckon you can still make it if you get a wriggle on. Your motor does 180 miles an hour after all.

Jasper Black laughed.

—I’m off to a football match actually, he said. Arsenal are playing Chelsea.

—Yeah I had heard. My husband and my boy are there.

—They say it’s going to be quite a game, said Jasper Black.

—I didn’t have you down for a football fan.

—Oh I’m really not. Not in the slightest.

—So why now?

—Petra, said Jasper Black. My girlfriend. She insists I must at least try to get up to speed with the game. I seem to be the last man in England who isn’t. I’m failing to hold my own at dinner parties. Last week Petra gave me an ultimatum. For god’s sake Jasper she said. Do you have to be such a snob? If you don’t drag yourself out of your ivory tower and along to a football match this very weekend I’m moving back to Primrose Hill. Petra does that sort of thing you see. Drama. She’s not like you.

—So what did you say to her?

—I couldn’t say anything. It was all a bit awkward. We were having supper with two of Petra’s girlfriends. Sophie and Hermione. They’re painters.

—Good for them. Good steady trade. People will always need painters.

—Ah, said Jasper Black. Well they’re not that sort of painter actually. They paint canvases. Mainly post-representational. They’re very Hoxton. They’re the kind of girls who’ll talk about football and cook you something ghastly like eel pie. Which one’s expected to find deliciously ironic. Rather than actually delicious if you see what I mean.

I was standing there holding my shopping bags with my mouth half open.

—I’m sorry, said Jasper Black. I’m boring you aren’t I?

—Yeah you are.

In fact Jasper Black was boring me so much I was trying not to dribble.

—You’re very plainspoken, said Jasper Black. You say exactly what you think don’t you?

—Yes I do. You should try it. Saves a lot of brain work.

—Alright then I will, said Jasper Black. Here goes. I think you are the most original woman I know.

—You don’t know me you twat.

Jasper Black looked up and down the street and lowered his voice.

—We slept together, he said.

—Doesn’t mean anything.

—You really believe that? said Jasper Black.

—Nah.

Jasper Black looked down at my shopping bags.

—So we do know each other a little bit. And I think you’re a very original woman.

—You can’t know many women.

—Oh but I do, said Jasper Black. I really do. I work on a national newspaper. The office is absolutely hissy with women. Do you know the Sunday Telegraph ?

—Well I don’t know. Has it got big red letters across the top and lots of girls with massive melons?

—Um no, said Jasper Black. That would be the Sun or possibly the Mirror .

—I know. I’m only pulling your leg. Of course I know the Sunday Telegraph . It’s the big pompous one.

—Oh ha ha ha, said Jasper Black.

—Yes. I am poor but I am not completely thick there is a difference.

—I never thought you were thick, said Jasper Black. I think you are very real. What? Why are you laughing?

—Well. I’ve been called a lot of things by a lot of people but no one’s ever called me real before. They probably thought that was bleeding obvious.

—I’m sorry, said Jasper Black. You must think I’m an idiot.

He blushed and fiddled with his car keys. I thought I might of overdone it.

—Nah. You’re not an idiot. You’re sweet. You’re an idiot for not liking the football though.

Jasper grinned.

—I suppose I’ve just never seen football’s appeal, he said.

—It’s cheap and people like you aren’t into it. Next question.

—What about you? said Jasper Black. Aren’t you going to the game?

—Me? Oh I never go to the games it makes me nervous. I just watch on telly. Don’t get me wrong though. I love the Arsenal. Have done ever since I was a girl.

—I don’t think I could ever get behind a team like that, said Jasper Black. I’m too fickle. Still. I do have a hell of a nice car.

He nodded his head at the Aston Martin DB7 and laughed. I laughed too.

—There’s something nice about a man who doesn’t take himself too serious.

Jasper shrugged. I would of shrugged back at him only shrugging isn’t easy when you’re holding 2 Tesco bags so I just said something stupid instead like I know how.

—Listen. If you really don’t give a monkey’s about the game you might as well come up with me and watch it on telly. I’ll tell you everything you need for your next bloody dinner party. I’ll talk you through why the Arsenal are the greatest team on earth.

—Are you serious? said Jasper Black. I do hope you are because I’d love to.

—It’s just for the company. I want to get that clear. I mean you can talk if you want but we aren’t going to have sex again.

—Really? said Jasper Black. What a shame.

—Yes. I mean it was lovely and everything but there isn’t going to be any more. I was in a state when it happened. I was a bundle of nerves but now I’m over it. I love my husband and he’s getting out of bomb disposal first thing Monday morning. So I’m not going to get in a state any more. And now that’s clear as mud do you still want to come up?

—Well that depends, said Jasper Black. You’re not going to feed me eel pie or anything are you?

—No. I’m making fish fingers. It isn’t irony it’s lunch.

Up in the flat I stuck the telly on. It was the buildup for the big game. Viv Anderson and Andy Gray were moaning on about how the new stadium didn’t have the same atmosphere as Highbury. Then they started joking about what Gunners fans were really calling the place instead of Emirates effing Stadium and it was a laugh on account of Gunners fans have a terrible mouth on them so they weren’t allowed to actually say it. They were showing a shot of the new ground from the air and you could see the supporters arriving in 2 big rivers 1 red 1 blue. They never let the fans mix in the roads round the stadium. Well you wouldn’t would you? You think you’ve seen jihad Osama but I’m telling you you haven’t seen anything till you’ve seen what happens if they let Arsenal and Chelsea fans mix going into a game.