Chris Cleave - Incendiary

The atmosphere was incredible even Jasper Black was gawping at the telly. There was a huge roar coming from the supporters already inside the ground but more and more were arriving all the time. 60 thousand they reckoned the new stadium could hold and it looked like it was going to have to. It was May Day and it was lovely and sunny and it was the last game of the Premiership for both clubs and the Gunners were only 1 point ahead of Chelsea so no prizes for guessing half of London wanted in to that game.

I left Jasper Black in the lounge while I put the fish fingers under the grill. I always loved fish fingers ever since I was a little girl. I love watching them turn from yellow to browny gold always exactly the same.

—4 alright for you?

—Yes, said Jasper Black. 4 is perfect.

—Good. We’ll have them with chips.

I got the chips out of the freezer and into the microwave. Jasper came in from the lounge and just then his mobile rang. He flipped it open and said hello Petra and held the phone a bit away from his ear. I heard Petra’s voice coming out of Jasper Black’s phone and it sounded posh and tinny like the Queen of England wrapped in BacoFoil. Jasper Black looked straight at me.

—Yes, he said. Yes I’m on my way to the match now. What? Oh god Petra don’t you have enough shoes already? Well alright then. Do try to leave a little something in the bank account. Just in case we need to buy anything tedious like food or electricity. Yes. Yes I will fuck off now. You be a good girl. Kiss kiss. Bye.

Jasper closed the phone back up and looked at it for a second before he put it in his pocket.

—So that was Petra, he said.

—Shopping.

—Yes, said Jasper Black. She does that.

—Do you love her?

—Yes.

—So what the hell are you doing here?

—Can I look around your flat? said Jasper Black.

Jasper Black started walking around the flat looking into the other rooms. It didn’t take long there were only 4 of them. The bathroom the lounge and the 2 bedrooms.

—So this is your little boy’s room, he said.

I supposed it was. I mean I couldn’t see where he was looking I was still in the kitchen with my eye on the fish fingers.

—You’ve done it up terribly nicely, he said.

—Yes it’s a cracking room my husband built the bed and I sewed the curtains.

Jasper Black came back into the kitchen. He was carrying a photo of my boy.

—You must be ever so proud to have such a handsome son, he said.

—Yes he’s a pretty little boy. Takes after his mother ha ha ha.

—Yes, he said. I can see where he gets the looks from.

—You want kids?

—I’d love kids, said Jasper Black. It’s just that Petra would take them out shopping and I don’t think the global economy could survive the adrenalin rush.

—Hmm?

The microwave pinged. The chips were ready. Jasper Black looked out of the kitchen window down into the grubby backside of the estate where the plastic bags swirled.

—Seriously though. I’d love kids, he said.

—What’s stopping you?

—It’s not the right time in Petra’s career, he said.

—On the up-and-up is she?

—We both are, said Jasper Black.

I put the chips out onto 2 plates.

—So what do the pair of you actually do for your living?

Jasper Black shrugged.

—Petra does fashion and I do social comment, he said. We’re columnists. We write the first thing that comes into our heads.

I looked at him funny.

—What? he said. You think all that bullshit writes itself?

—No I mean I wouldn’t of thought you’d say that.

—I’m sure Petra wouldn’t, he said. I’m sure she’d tell you her lifestyle column constituted a useful social barometer and a zesty forum for the exchange of invigorating ideas.

—But you don’t reckon?

Jasper pushed out his bottom lip and held up the photo of my boy.

—I reckon it would be different if I had a child, he said. I reckon I’d have a hard time convincing myself that my 800 words a week were making his world better. I wrote a piece about AIDS in Africa last month. I don’t know anyone with AIDS. I’ve never been to Africa. But my piece won a prize. So fuck it. Is that going to be enough chips?

—It’s going to have to be.

I served up the fish fingers next to the chips and we ate off our knees in the lounge watching the telly. Kickoff was at 3. The stands were already packed and the crowd was deafening it always made me jumpy.

—I’d forgotten how delicious fish fingers were, said Jasper Black.

—It’s no trouble it was all frozen.

The telly roared. The players were out of the tunnel now. They were warming up on the pitch.

—So talk me through it, said Jasper Black. Tell me what’s going on and what would be a good result.

—Well we’re in red and Chelsea are in blue and a good result would be if we thrashed them so bad they never felt like kicking a football ever again in their pathetic little lives.

—Wow, he said. You really care about this don’t you?

The telly was showing the starting lineups. I cleared the plates away. Jasper Black followed me back into the kitchen. I turned around when I got to the sink and I looked at him standing there in his smart clothes all fidgety.

—Look. I don’t know what this is all about. What exactly is it you want with me Jasper Black?

—See? he said. There you go again getting straight to the point. Clearing the air. It’s very original.

I ran hot water into the sink. I gave it a squirt of original green Fairy Liquid.

—Well? I asked you a question. What do you want from me?

—I don’t know, he said. I’ve been asking myself the same question endlessly since the other night.

—Because if you need a new girlfriend then that isn’t me. And if you want a child you’re going to have to sort that out between you and Petra aren’t you? I’ve already got a family and I love them. All I need for the rest of my life is to fall asleep with them every night and wake up with them every morning.

—I know, said Jasper Black. I would hate to do anything to spoil that.

—Don’t flatter yourself. I won’t let you do anything to spoil it.

—God, said Jasper Black. You’re so different from Petra.

—Yes I can imagine. About 100 grand a year different I should think.

—Not what I meant, said Jasper Black. You’re not into all the endless bullshit. You’re strong.

—Strong? Don’t make me laugh. I’m a bundle of nerves. You’ve seen what I’m like.

—You were just having a stressful night, said Jasper Black. What I mean is you’re strong because you know what you want.

—Don’t you have what you want? Posh newspaper job. Aston Martin. That’d be enough for most people I should of thought.

—I thought that was what I wanted, said Jasper Black. You make me think I want different things. Simple things. Fish fingers. You bother me.

Well that made me laugh.

—I think I quite like bothering you Jasper Black.

My heart started hammering Osama I couldn’t believe what I’d just said I would of done anything to take it back but it was out now wasn’t it? I could hear my voice inside me screaming here you go again you terrible bloody girl. Your husband hasn’t been out of the house half an hour and here you go again.

Jasper Black grinned. I took off my trainers and my socks and I handed them to him. He reached out and took them like a lemon.

—Does this bother you?

—Um, said Jasper Black.

I took off my jeans and my T-shirt. I folded them over Jasper’s arm. The one that was holding my trainers.

—What about this? Does this bother you?

—Yes, said Jasper Black. Look at me I’m getting all flustered.