Chris Cleave - Incendiary

—They disappeared up their own arses. You should of seen it. It was amazing.

Jasper Black looked at me and frowned. Then he shrugged and sat down. We just drank our drinks for a little bit then. We didn’t look at each other we looked at each other’s drinks like they were effing fascinating. The way 2 people only do if they’ve known each other less than 25 minutes or more than 25 years. So I stared at Jasper Black’s lager and Jasper Black stared at my G&T and after a while this loud banging started coming from the gents now his mates had found out they’d been locked in there. It got louder and louder. You might of thought the landlord would of let them out but he didn’t because we do things a bit different in the East End. There are mysteries in this patch between Bethnal Green and Haggerston Osama that would of had your prophets scratching their heads I should think.

Jasper Black nodded his head at the door of the gents where all the banging was coming from.

—That’s them is it? he said.

—They started it.

Jasper Black frowned again and then he started laughing.

—Good girl, he said.

—Yes I am a good girl as a matter of fact so don’t think you can try anything fancy.

Jasper Black grinned.

—Last thing on my mind, he said.

—My husband is in bomb disposal he got called out on a job tonight I’m waiting for him to come home.

—Bomb disposal, said Jasper Black. The red wire or the green wire eh? That must be one hell of a job.

I shrieked when he said that about the red wire or the green wire I couldn’t help myself.

—Oh god, he said. I’m so sorry that was bloody insensitive of me. Sometimes I can be such a prat oh now I wish the ground would just swallow me up.

—It’s not your fault. I feel like a bomb myself tonight I’m all nerves I’m ready to explode I feel like I could go off at any moment.

—Oh you poor thing, he said.

He put his hand on my hand and I trembled.

—Will you drink up now please, said the landlord.

He meant it. 5 minutes later we were out on our ear and the banging from the door of the gents faded out when the barman locked the front door behind us.

—Will they be okay in there? said Jasper Black.

—Your mates?

—Yes.

—Do you care?

—No.

—Fine then.

We stood there looking at each other’s shoes. It was raining. This is London Osama so if I do ever forget to mention the weather you just imagine it’s raining and cold and you won’t be far off.

—Will you be okay? he said. I’m worried about you.

—Worried about me? You don’t even know me. I’m not your problem.

—There is such a thing as compassion, he said. We’re all in this together. You’re having a stressful night. Why don’t you let me at least walk you to your house?

—Cause I don’t have a house. It’s a flat isn’t it?

—Flat then.

—It’s just round the corner. Don’t worry about me I’ll be alright I’ll just go home and put the kettle on.

—Where are you living? he said.

—On the Wellington Estate on the corner of Wellington Row. With my husband.

—That’s funny, said Jasper Black. You live right across the road from me. I see the Wellington Estate from my window.

—Bet that hasn’t done anything for your house price.

—I’m sure it’s nice inside, he said.

—It’s alright. At least we don’t have a view of the Wellington Estate.

He smiled.

—We’ll walk that way together, he said.

He put his arm around my shoulders as we walked. I didn’t know how to stop him doing it. I thought he was maybe just being kind. I was nervous in case my husband came past and saw us walking that way. I was nervous in case my husband got himself blown up. Oh actually I was just nervous.

When we reached the estate my husband’s car wasn’t parked in the road outside. The lights weren’t on in our flat it was obvious he wasn’t back yet.

—He isn’t back yet.

I don’t know why I said that. It was stupid of me. I don’t know why I said anything at all to Jasper Black he hadn’t even told me his name.

—Your husband isn’t back? said Jasper Black.

—No. The lights are off.

—Well why don’t you come to my place? said Jasper Black. I’ll make you a coffee.

—I don’t drink coffee.

—A tea then, he said.

—No thanks. I really should be getting back.

—But what on earth for? he said. It’s not as if anyone’s waiting up for you.

—I suppose not.

Even though my boy was waiting in there for me. But I couldn’t tell him that could I? I couldn’t tell him I’d gone out to the pub and left my only boy all alone in the flat. They might of taken the boy off me. Social Services I mean. So I froze up. I didn’t know what to do. The rain was falling harder now and I was so nervous I couldn’t speak or even think. Jasper Black did all that for me.

—Come on then, he said. Come back to my place. You shouldn’t be alone in your state. A nice cup of tea will do you good I insist.

Jasper Black never did make me that cup of tea Osama. We went back to his place and it was one of those Georgian Gems. It was very nice and tidy inside I suppose he must of had a cleaner. His house was the other side of the road from ours and fifty yards down. He wasn’t lying about that. In his lounge he put on some of that new age music with monks and no drummer. He said it would relax me but it didn’t. I just kept looking out the window to see if my husband was home yet.

—My girlfriend’s away, said Jasper Black.

—Oh.

—Yes, he said. She’s in Paris.

—That’s nice. On holiday is she?

—On business. We’re journalists. She’s doing a piece on Paris Fashion Week. Her name is Petra Sutherland. Maybe you’re familiar with her work?

—Mmm?

— Sunday Telegraph ? he said. We’re both with the Sunday Telegraph . It’s how we met.

—That’s nice. Listen I don’t know what I’m doing here I must be out of my mind I think I’ll be getting back now.

—Please don’t go just yet, said Jasper Black. For your own sake why don’t you just stay a while and let me help you to relax.

—You don’t understand.

—Oh I think I do, he said.

He stroked my neck all soft and gentle. It was like an electric shock I could feel it all up and down my body. He took my clothes off very delicate while I just stood there shaking and then he took his own clothes off too all of them.

—This isn’t like me.

—This isn’t like me either, he said. Oh god you have such lovely breasts.

—What did you say?

—That you have lovely breasts, he said.

—Oh. My husband doesn’t call them that.

He took me into the bedroom and we lay down on the bed and we had sex ever so gentle it felt like everything was flooding out of me it was lovely I cried all the way through it.

When I got home my husband still wasn’t back. I ran a bath and I lay in it with just my eyes and nose sticking out the water. I was thinking nothing much. When the bath went cold I put on my pink dressing gown and wrapped a towel round my hair and I went to look in on my boy. He looked so peaceful. I felt very peaceful too I lay down on the floor beside his bed and went to sleep. When I woke up the room was full of pink light from the sun through the curtains. I heard my husband’s key in the front door and I went to meet him in the lounge.

—How did it go?

My husband was drinking his Famous Grouse. He looked up at me.

—I’m still here ain’t I? he said.

I smiled at him.

—Yeah love. Yeah you still are.

He went to sleep with his clothes on. I lay down beside him with my arm over his chest. I listened to him breathing. I was very happy I was still thinking nothing much.