Chris Cleave - Incendiary

Actually that isn’t quite true. What I did first was open up the freezer again and take out the bag of AlphaBites and open them and put all the AlphaBites into alphabetical order and put them back into the freezer and then I went down the pub. There was nothing else for it I just had to get out of that flat and close the door behind me.

I know they say you should never leave a child alone in the home but there you go. The people who say that I wonder what they would do if it was them left all alone and it was their husbands making a bomb safe and all their laundry was done already and all their AlphaBites were in perfect order. I think they might of popped out to the pub like I did. Just to see a few friendly faces. Just to drink a little something to take the edge off. So off I toddled down the road to the Nelson’s Head and I got a G&T and I took it to the corner table nearest the telly projector and I sat there watching Sky like you do. They were showing all the season’s greatest goals which was fine by me. I know you’d rather watch blindfolded lads having their heads hacked off with knives Osama well that’s the main difference between you and me I suppose we have different opinions about telly. If you’d ever spent an evening in front of the box with me and my husband there’d of been a lot of squabbling over the remote control. Anyway my point is I was happy minding my own and I sat there all alone good as gold and the old granddads sat at the bar talking about the footie and everyone let me be.

Now I may be weak Osama but I am not a slut. I never asked for Jasper Black to sit down at my table and interrupt me gawping at action replays. I never came on to Jasper Black he came on to me there’s a difference.

You could tell straight away Jasper Black had no business being in the East End. He was one of those types who fancied a spot of Easy Access To The City Of London And Within A Stone’s Throw Of The Prestigious Columbia Road Flower Market. The Sun calls them SNEERING TOFFS. Usually they live about 3 years in Bethnal Green or Shoreditch then move to the suburbs to be with their own kind. I watched a documentary once about salmon swimming up rivers to spawn and that’s what they’re like those people. You turn around one day and they’ve upped sticks and gone and all you’re left with is this fading smell of Boss by Hugo Boss on your nice T-shirt and a Starbucks where the pie shop used to be.

Including him there were 3 SNEERING TOFFS on Jasper Black’s table it didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to spot them. I was looking at Sky trying not to catch their eye but I could feel them looking up from their pints and giving each other these little secret grins on account of I was a bit of local colour. Like it was okay I was wearing a Nike T-shirt and trackie bottoms but they’d of preferred it if I’d been dressed as a Pearly Queen or maybe the little match girl from Oliver! The Musical . If they’d been just a bit more pissed they’d probably of taken a photo of me on their mobiles for those web sites I told you about. They thought they were very clever. My whole point is they weren’t very nice and you could of blown up as many of them as you liked Osama you wouldn’t of heard any of us complaining.

Anyway Jasper Black left his table and came over to mine and it was quite a surprise. Normally I’d of told him where to shove it but I couldn’t help noticing he had nice eyes for a SNEERING TOFF. I mean most of them have dead eyes like they’ve been done over with electric shocks like Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest . Or some of them have these little excited eyes like they’ve got a chinchilla up their bum like Hugh Grant in. Well. All his films. But Jasper Black wasn’t like that. He had nice eyes. He looked almost human. I looked back at the slow-motion goals on Sky. I knew it was dangerous to look at Jasper Black at least give me that much credit.

—Football fan are you? said Jasper Black.

—What do you think?

—I think you’re beautiful, said Jasper Black. So do my friends. They bet me 20 quid I couldn’t get your name. So tell me your name and I’ll split the cash with you and never bother you again.

He was smiling. I wasn’t.

—20 quid?

—Yes, he said. 20 English pounds.

—Listen carefully. I’ll say this slowly. Your friends are WANKERS.

Jasper Black didn’t even blink.

—So help me take them for the money, he said. We’ll go halves. 10 quid each. What do you say?

—I don’t need 10 quid.

Jasper Black stopped smiling.

—No, he said. Neither do I really. Well maybe I can just talk with you?

—I’m married. I’m waiting for my husband.

I picked up my G&T and I made sure he got an eyeful of my wedding band. My wedding band is not silver actually Osama it’s platinum it’s a cracker. My husband chose it himself and it cost him a month’s wages. There are some things you just can’t skimp on he always used to say. I still wear it today on a little silver chain around my neck. It’s as wide as runway number 1 at Heathrow Airport and it flashes like the sun but apparently Jasper Black couldn’t see it at all.

—Are you here all on your own? he said.

—No. Well yes I suppose I am. Like I say I’m waiting for my husband he’s a copper he’s a rock he’s never let me down we’ve been married 4 years 7 months we have a boy he is 4 years 3 months old he still sleeps with his rabbit the rabbit is called Mr. Rabbit.

—Are you okay? said Jasper Black. It’s just that you seem a little overwrought.

—Overwhat?

—Overexcited.

—Oh really what makes you say that?

—Well, said Jasper Black. I only asked you if you were here alone and now I know everything about you with the possible exception of your mother’s maiden name.

—Knowles.

—Excuse me? said Jasper Black.

—Knowles was my mother’s maiden name. In fact it always was her name she never was married to my father.

—Oh, he said.

—I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. I’m never normally like this. Spilling my guts to strangers down the pub.

—Please don’t apologise. Talk if you feel like talking. Get it all off your chest. I’m a good listener.

—Are you sure? You seem very kind you have a kind face my husband is in bomb disposal.

—Whoa there, said Jasper Black. Whoa whoa whoa. Just one cotton-picking minute. I’m going to go to the bar and get us both another drink and you’re going to take a deep breath and count backwards from ten and when I get back from the bar you’re going to start at the beginning and tell me all about it.

—Okay.

—Alright, he said. What are you drinking?

—G&T please.

—G&T it is, he said.

—Last orders, said the landlord.

So Jasper Black went up to the bar and his 2 SNEERING TOFF mates got up from their table and went in to the gents for a wee and I got up and locked them in there on account of they’d been gawping at me and Jasper Black and making blow-job faces at us ever since he sat down with me. It couldn’t of been easier. There was a padlock on the outside of the door to the gents and I just clicked it shut through the metal ring that was there and went back to my table nearest the telly projector and sat down good as gold. The landlord and the old granddads up at the bar saw the whole thing and they were all nudging each other and smiling at me which would of been nice except that their teeth were a right state so it was a bit like a horror film actually like Night of the Smirking Cardigan Granddads . When Jasper Black turned back from the bar with our drinks he looked around for his mates and made a question mark face at me with his eyebrows.

—What happened to the blokes I was with? he said.