William Gaddis - J R

— To, what do you…

— Told me I’ve got leukemia haven’t long to live that’s all.

— But you, who told you who…

— Blood tests laboratory doctors the whole God damned crew down there, got a white count up in the bil…

— No but look that’s absurd you couldn’t just…

— Why what’s wrong with being absurd, people all over the place being broiled like chops on the highway getting heart attacks cancer dandruff I just drew one that’s…

— And look Jack don’t try to pretend to me you don’t think it’s serious, you…

— Well God damn it I know it’s serious! what do you think I, told me to come back in the morning to check it but good Christ…

— Why didn’t they just keep you there if they really thought you no look Freddie, Jack ask him not to fool with that marionette will you, I’ve been…

— Not hurting it Tom the God damned thing’s already…

— No but I’ve been trying to fix it I thought I’d take it up to him next time, familiar old toys they might give him back a little sense of security Jack we, we told him about it yesterday the worst thing I’ve ever been through. She wanted me to tell him I said look damn it you’re the one who’s done it who’s moved out you tell him he just stood there he, he turned and walked out he hardly made it Jack I went out and found him just standing there carried him back in crying all he could say was, was wouldn’t I, wouldn’t I be lonely can’t even talk about it…

— Tom there’s noth…

— Marian up there acting like a, I rented a car drove up there to see them acting like a brave war widow she’s already papered his bedroom herself, four years she couldn’t even clean his room downtown now she papers one overnight wants to know if I’ll pay for a bed he’s, Jack he’s got four pictures of me lined up by his, by this little cot he sleeps on so used to him being right where I God I, I stopped in a bar last night two or three drinks a man standing there with his shoe untied I almost grabbed him told him to tie his shoe I’ve got to get out of that place downtown Jack, came in last night I had a few more drinks woke up at three sitting on the couch I jumped up ran to his room to make sure he was all right just the, nothing there just the bed I, look I think I’ll have a drink where’s the, what is it what’s out there.

— Where.

— Out the window, I thought you saw something out the window.

— Just looking out the window Tom. I’m just looking out the God damned window.

— Oh. Did I tell you she’s already complaining about the house up there? Says the refrigerator’s too big things get lost in it the one we had downtown she complained was too small she couldn’t shop ahead but one night I remember when I found some veal gravy she’d put behind the, where are you going…

— Fix something to eat, fix some veal Marengo how does that sound Freddie? Haven’t eaten all day God knows the last time Freddie had any God damned string tangled up here what’s, gum stuck all over his here wait get your sock off how the hell did this get here?

— Somebody jiggling it outside the window there I finally reached out and…

— Tom why the hell did you do that.

— Why did I do it because it was driving me crazy! trying to, to get some work done here I finally…

— No but why did you have to do it Tom, somebody up there only God damned thing keeps them going’s maybe they’ll get that quarter out there why couldn’t you just let them…

— What quarter what are you talking about Jack how can you, fixing chicken Marengo look you’re not even…

— Veal Marengo Tom, veal Marengo.

— All right veal Marengo! You can’t even, how the hell can you fix it the oven’s full of mail there’s no gas anyhow what do you…

— Freeze dried Tom don’t need the stove at all do we Freddie, add hot water got plenty of God damned hot water here just drop this dried up thing in it unfolds into veal Marengos like those God damned Japanese paper flowers got some grape drink too, we can…

— Damn it Jack listen what are you trying to do I mean how real is all this anyhow, they gave you some tests told you to come back tomorrow what…

— Anemia swollen lymph nodes astronomical white count how God damned real do you want it to be! Kills thirty thousand a year chronic and acute models, chronic lets you hang around a year or two tell all your friends goodbye twenty times, mine looks like the God damned sports model get there faster now do you…

— So you’re going to sit here in wet clothes and…

— Going to sit here with Freddie drink this God damned grape drink and eat this God damned veal Marengo aren’t we Freddie, read aloud from Skyscraper Management have a few choruses on the guitar and wait for the God damned telephone to look out there she is…!

— Watch that mail! damn it…

— Yes hello? hello…? No who’s… looking for what…? Look call the company’s public relations agency they can… no what here? No listen… wouldn’t advise it right now no we… No no just a, a bomb scare yes we just had a bomb scare they’re… yes clearing the building right now goodb… sorry can’t wait yes goodbye…

— What was that, see why I took the phone off?

— Christ knows something of Bast’s, school field trip wants to tour company headquarters can’t find it listen Tom how long was this God damned thing off the hook she might have called back and…

— She didn’t call back I just told you that Jack, the only call you had was some lawyer named Coen he said Mrs Angel told him I might know where you were, look while I think of it…

— No but wait did he say what it was about?

— Something about what you did with that stock you had in her father’s company and her husband, he said her husband had had a misadventure look while I…

— What Norman? What happened what did he…

— Just said he’s had a misadventure look while I…

— No but Stella did he say she’d call or anything, or…

— Didn’t ask him I thought she was the last person you wanted to hear from, things you’ve said about her God compared to Marian with the knives out demanding a winner you just ask for it sometimes Jack, you…

— Whole God damned point no you don’t know what Stella’s asking of you, finally realize she’s not asking a God damned thing never expected a God damned thing you end up not asking a God damned thing of yourself that’s what I, this book why it’s going to be so God damned hard to tell…

— I know look while I think of it, has somebody named Gall ever called me here?

— I just, no.

— Young writer I gave him my play to read strange I’ve never heard from him, he really pressed me for a look at it I thought he could read it with a fresh eye sort of this generation point of view he showed up there one day in my office just before I quit, said he was a great admirer of my novel did I ever tell you what that secretary asked me Jack? Girl named Carol she’d just heard I’d written a book she was really wide eyed, first the standard what’s it about how long is it how long did it take you and then do you know what she said? Where are you going…

— Get some grape drink. Like some grape drink Freddie?

— Jack what the hell is this about grape drink haven’t you got some scotch?

— Just grape drink Tom, acquired taste have to get used…

— No look something like this happening and you’re drinking grape drink Jack what do you…

— Like what Tom. Something like what.

— I mean your, what you just said they told you at the hospital what do you think I…

— Just didn’t think you’d heard me.

— What do you mean of course I heard you, why I can’t see you sitting here waiting for the phone drinking grape drink with this hanging over your…