William Gaddis - J R

— Sounds to me like you’re…

— I mean you’re supposed to be this big important novelist and you don’t even get that? I mean he’s got this book so screwed up with this free dance lesson he comes out feeling like I said I don’t need your hand right there man if you…

— No relax I just meant, I just meant she sounds like an elegant woman hear him talk about a neater sweeter maiden it all sounds romantic enough but she sounds a little chilly, a little bit…

— Chilly? I mean it’s this black haired chick he’s been balling right?

— Has he told you ab…

— Like what does he need to tell me I mean he was right through that window over in Schramm’s balling her wasn’t he? And I mean if you think she was look I mean I’m not kidding get your…

— No relax look I just meant, I mean meeting somebody like you who doesn’t lay down all kinds of old-fashioned conditions like commitment and intimacy on something that’s as healthy and natural as…

— Look man if this spills I mean get your…

— What is it, is it…

— What does it look like snow? I mean look I don’t need your…

— I’ve heard it’s kind of an aphro…

— Afro nothing man look I said I don’t need your fing…

— Just, look relax don’t be, don’t get excited just…

— Don’t get excited I mean then what’s your finger trying to look man I’m not kidding I…

— What’s the matter just…

— I said nothing’s the fucking matter I mean I just don’t need your finger…

— Then how, how about this…

— Oh wow, wow I mean come on…

— What’s the matter what’s so…

— Look I, I mean come on get your, I mean the telephone’s man you’re hurting my mean I’m not kidding I’m expecting this very…

— You damn it, you…

— I mean I said I’m not kidding!

— Go ahead damn it! go…

— I mean let me past…!

— Spread it for Schramm for Jack why can’t you…

— Hello…? this is her yes, I mean… Like whenever you want Mister Cibo, I mean now…? No I mean I’ll come down there now if you want like all I have to do is… this dress with these little checks on I already got it yes I’m coming right… At suite what…? Yes I’m coming right down…

— Spread it for Schramm for Jack for any, Bast probably for Bast too why can’t you…

— Look I mean go back in there man leave me alone, I mean I need to get on this dress…

— What’s the difference just tell me what’s the difference you spread for…

— I mean look man are you going to stand there like that…

— Just tell me what’s the difference you’re the, you’re what the young man from Racine invented aren’t you no intimacy no, no commitment nothing, concave or convex to fit either sex aren’t you…

— Man you’re, I mean you’re this real bastard aren’t you…

— Beefy face and grubby hand didn’t Jack ever quote the rest of it to you? Ever quote anything to you ever talk to you at all? So jealous of this woman who just called you can’t see straight can you so stupid it’s the only intimacy you can offer anybody isn’t it, easier to get laid than try to talk about something isn’t it just a, a mechanical lay aren’t you you…

— I mean this, this real bastard aren’t you…

— Aren’t you no ideas no passion the world’s no bigger than your, than your dumb appetites why you have to sniff that stuff the only way left you can feel anything isn’t it, getting laid’s about as interesting as a, as washing your face no more feeling than a, than a milking machine just a…

— Like go get one then! Man I mean standing there like that go get one of those plastic things with hair on you put warm water in it that’s all you been grabbing for that’s all you…

— Joke was on Schramm wasn’t it all he…

— Man like get away from me I mean what Schramm…

— What Schramm wanted that’s how much you know listen what Schramm wanted was a woman he could trust with everything he had, wanted it so much he knew if he thought he had it and lost it he’d cut his throat so he found you instead didn’t he, took the safe way no commitment no intimacy no passion no conversation but fucking this and fucking that nothing to hold back but your slit just to prove you can offer it to anybody who goes by and he finds he’s even jealous of you you, you couldn’t even give him that could you came back here that night you couldn’t even…

— Look man I mean, I mean how do I know what he’s going to do like he’s down in your apartment you’re the one, I mean you’re the one man you’re who knows what he’s…

— No no I’d talked him out of it he thought you’d be here, only way I could talk him out of it he thought you’d be here waiting and you couldn’t even…

— Talked him out of bullshit man I mean you’re leaving out this whole fucking step, I mean you talk him out of it so he jumps out your fucking window he comes up those stairs blood all down him his bandage all…

— How do, wait you were here…

— Leave me alone get your…

— You were here when he came back weren’t you!

— Man you’re tearing my, look I have to go to this job if you screw up this dress man you’re hurting my…

— You were weren’t you!

— Like what if I was!

— You you what did you…

— Man get your ow, I I hear him dragging up the stairs I see him through the rails all this blood this hole where his bandage was these, these noises he’s, he’s making these noises what am I supposed to man you’re tearing my…

— Why couldn’t you couldn’t even…

— Get your ow! I’m, I’m in these dark shadows he gets up the stairs and I, I get back in this dark landing till he’s inside I’m scared I mean I’m scared I creep past his door for the stairs how am I supposed to know what he’s you’re, you’re hurting my…

— You couldn’t even…

— How am I supposed to know what he’s doing in there! No get, get away from me you’re…

— Pretend you’re, try to pretend you’re crying you’re just…

— No get away you’re you’re, man you’re like some, you’re like some fucking graverobber aren’t you you’re…

— What do you, listen you…

— No I mean you’re like this fucking graverobber aren’t you man I mean like all you want me for is I was Schramm’s isn’t it…

— Don’t you, you don’t know a damn…

— No I mean you’re telling me I’m so stupid like man like, like when you know as much as I do there’s no place to go I mean what about his get away! I mean what about his stepmother that’s the ass he really wanted go dangle it for her you come in here with your…

— Shut up listen you don’t even, you’re so high on this stuff you’ve been sniffing you don’t know what you’re…

— High man I mean I’m flying like I mean I’m really flying, I mean you come in here where’s my tea stain folder get away from me! my tea stain folder I may have mislaid it like you think I don’t even know whose fucking tea stain folder with everything he ever wrote’s in it that’s all you…

— Just, just shut up relax look…

— I mean that’s all that’s left for you isn’t it my ass and this tea stain folder isn’t it, I mean you’re telling this chick on the phone how you’re this big important writer how Jack’s this big friend of yours all the time you’re putting him down like he’s some schmuck like you’re telling me she’s this cold stiff I mean I saw those scars down him man, like I mean all this passion and intimacy you’re telling me I don’t know what it is man I mean that was some free fucking dance lesson you don’t trust him none of you trust anybody you’re all scared shitless of it aren’t you, I mean he’s so hung up on this book he’s scared to lose this lousy opinion of himself that’s why none of you can…