William Gaddis - J R

— No but Christ if he’s…

— I mean I feel partly responsible Jack, that big canvas of his the company bought that old Selk bitch claims everything he paints is hers why he’s barricaded himself in back there, a painting he put aside years ago when he was still doing figures now he’s frantic to finish it says its time has come he just moved in with all his junk and two bushels of potatoes, the old bitch even froze his bank account he’d just done a monstrous stabile big David Smith kind of atrocity palmed it off on some corporation and I had to give him ten dollars for potatoes, he…

— Christ glad you mentioned that listen I’ve got to have ten Tom or twenty, twenty, same God damned thing I stopped in the bank where Amy had me put what I won on that double keep it safe the God damned Internal Revenue found it there attached every God damned penny, brown nosing banker said they’ve got a lien against me for twenty-eight thousand dollars where the hell they came up with that figure hate to miss the pleasure seeing those bastards sue my estate look I’ve got to have twenty, got to get out and meet her the minute she calls back tell her what I’ve got to tell you about this Tom spent the whole God damned morning down at what’s the matter…

— Just his foot here damn it Jack look, it took me two hours just to sort all this mail that whole pile from the West Side where the hell did it come from. I even found a mailbag back there tried to clean things up Jack the place looked like a, it looked like a shipwreck what the hell have you been doing up here I thought you were up here working, I found your notes for your…

— Tom it’s not that important now that’s what I’m…

— What your book’s not? is that what she…

— Yes if you’ll listen I…

— Damn it you listen can’t you see what she’s, she told me you hate it you can’t finish it you’re afraid of losing your rotten opinion of yourself she said all of us were…

— No but how could, when she called? Christ what did she say you just told me all she said was…

— Not her God no I mean Rhoda this Rhoda you’ve been, what the hell has she done just moved in here? I came in here this morning door standing open a process server right behind me some slob in overalls on the phone she was in the tub bouncing her…

— Look Tom she’s just a, little outspoken but there’s not a mean bone in her body really just a sweet kid who…

— Sweet kid? Rhoda a sweet kid? She’s a, my God she’s a pig Jack sitting here scratching nothing but an old shirt she sat here spreading her legs nothing but an old shirt around her sitting here pushing it at me what do you think I…

— Glad things worked out Tom listen, something ser…

— What with her? Be like, my God it would be like one of those plastic things you fill with warm water will you tell me what the hell you think you’re doing with her Jack? She said the last person you want to see’s this black haired chick she calls her says you wouldn’t even answer the phone…

— No listen…

— Can’t you see what she’s trying to do? So damn jealous there’s a woman you have halfway intelligent intercourse with she only knows one meaning because it’s all she’s got to offer sitting here spread out sniffing what is it cocaine? She went out of here this morning for a job so high she could hardly…

— Tom what the hell do you expect, kid like that she lives in a scene where hallucination is confused with vision all she…

— What like seeing you and your neater sweeter maiden making, balling was that a hallucination?

— Couldn’t have said that it’s ridiculous, she…

— That’s what I’m telling you believe a damn word she says, she said she watched you balling this black haired chick through that back window in Schramm’s said it was some…

— She couldn’t have we never, wait that blonde look it was just that blonde from the subway I found in Penn Station she showed up here once in a black wig Christ the whole thing’s irrelevant anyhow if you’ll just lis…

— Jack she’s out to destroy you is that irrelevant? The way she destroyed Schramm she’s out to destroy all of us is that irrelevant!

— No now listen you know God damned well she didn’t destroy Schramm, you know God damned well what destroyed Schramm sitting on the floor back there babbling Hart Crane there is a world dimensional for those untwisted by the love of…

— She could have stopped him what’s the difference and it’s not a world anyhow, it’s the world. There is the world dimen…

— Tom Christ! time for such God damned quibbles listen something I…

— No you listen she was here that night, did you know that? Here waiting for him when he came back right out in the hall there waiting she finally admitted it, broke down here this morning admitted she’d been…

— Wait she couldn’t have been there when he…

— Hid she hid, she watched him come in hid in the stairwell in the dark there sneaked out when he got inside I told you that night didn’t I! that she could have stopped him? that she was…

— Tom?

— What?

— Nobody’s blaming you for Schramm.

— What do you, what the hell do you mean nobody’s blaming me who’s blaming me!

— I just said Tom, nobody.

— But why did you say it what the hell made you say a thing like that you, you know damn well she’s the only reason I let him leave that night, last shred of confidence as a man he was down there with those lines of Tolstoy there was something terribly lacking between what I felt and what I could do and she, she might as well have strangled him herself that knot between her legs she…

— Christ look can’t you see it wasn’t any of that! it was, it was worse than that? It was whether what he was trying to do was worth doing even if he couldn’t do it? whether anything was worth writing even if he couldn’t write it? Hopping around with that God damned limp trying to turn it all into something more than one more stupid tank battle one more stupid God damned general, trying to redeem the whole God damned thing by…

— Yes that folder of his, have you seen it? Old manila folder you were waving it around at Beamish that night? Jack?

— What.

— Meant to tell you I found a letter from Beamish in this mess we each owe Schramm’s estate sixty-eight dollars for estate taxes, has to be paid before these bequests can be handed out reminds me these papers I told him I’d give Mrs Schramm, I found them in the pocket of this jacket this morning completely forgot to, what’s the matter.

— Never mind. Look, do you want something to eat?

— Eat? I thought there was something you wanted to talk about.

— Just going to tell you I spent the morning down at the hospital being tested, they…

— What are you upset about then aren’t I the one who’s been telling you to see a doctor? Where did you go, I…

— Went down to…

— Should have gone in myself while I still had that company insurance plan, this pain I’ve been getting right under here it’s…

— Wait tell me about your eye Tom, first tell me all about your eye.

— My eye?

— Detached retina, told me you had a detached retina…

— Oh, oh you know what happened I think it healed itself, the doctor I called said that was practically unknown in medical…

— And your tooth yes I meant to ask about your tooth, reminded me of that great line of Pascal’s about toothache how the hell’s your tooth.

— My too…

— Angry looking vein in your forehead there too, hope it’s not…

— Look Jack what the hell are you trying to…

— Trying to tell you I’m going to die.