William Gaddis - J R

He tossed the thing ahead of him coming down, steadied against 200 2-Ply to crush it under a heel — whole God damned place probably bugged… the bottle tipped horizontal and he held it up to what light there was — Christ… he raised the cup — what, something move God damn it saw something move up there looked like a… he reached to Won’t Burn, Smoke or Smell to pull himself up — well God damn it! and he was down picking up cigarette lighters, view of the Ghiralda, glue, — God, suppose she… and he steadied against H-O, came down on it — what was I, typed yes get it typed Christ, get something typed… he dragged Thomas Register closer, reached the bottle over, rummaged in Won’t Burn, Smoke or Smell beside him, — now… He hit R.

— your loved ones, open a trust savings ac…

— Get under their God damned signal, here… he emptied the cup, hunched closer, typing — God damned apostrophe hardly see in here… the roller turned, turned again, each time more slowly till he was up abruptly shaking the punctured lampshade, rattling open the battered shopping bag from the sofa as the lamp lighted — knew they eat snails Christ but, catfood…? The lamp went off, came on — chicken parts necks and backs, palmitate, d-activated plant sterol choline chloride pyridoxine better not no where the, where those cigarettes… the lamp went off.

When it came on he was sitting on Hoppin’ With Flavor! staring at the vacant sill outside. He reached the bottle. The second hand sprang from NO DEPOSIT, plunged to NO RETURN and suddenly he was up digging in Won’t Burn, Smoke or Smell, had the glue squeezing it on the Liberty head quarter as the lamp flickered off and on for him pressing the quarter on the sill, banging the window up steadying an arm on 2-Ply Facial Tissue Yellow — couldn’t, couldn’t be God suppose she… It rang again. He looked down his front, brushed at it, tripped against H-O getting through to steady against the tub, let it ring again. — Hel, hello…? Christ that you Tom? did, she didn’t call did she…? no no just, that’s right just thought… no couldn’t have missed her no been here the whole God damned day been here got Schramm’s typewriter, found Schramm’s typewriter been… what? Notes? find my notes told you I can’t find my notes whole place is… Schramm’s notes? in what typewriter… old manila folder got what spilled on it…? Keep an eye out for it Tom I’ll keep an eye out typewriter manuscript old manila spilled on God damn it… Nothing no foot just slipped on this God damned what…? Drink two drinks yes had three drinks been up here all… well God damn it listen I… know I said that yes but God damn it look Tom she… listen say something like that listen Tom told you I haven’t felt too God damned well I… no what… Didn’t tell me that no, what… no which eye… No but look if it was your… heard of that happening listen Tom had a detached retina you’d really be… Wouldn’t try that Christ no find a good eye man a good, eye man, not a good eye, the good eye could… the what? Called who, here? Oh called here yes she called this morning collect didn’t even… visitation rights make the kid sound like John the Bap wait listen ever think of that game idea we… no just reminded me jumping for joy in the womb Mary visiting Elisa wait Christ listen what day is it…! no no now today what… Not the God damned date the day the day! got a God damned name like Monday Tues… Christ.

— court begging for permission to see my own son? Jack…?

The phone swung free. His foot slipped again, recovered 24–12 Oz Btls Fragile! and he stared down at his front, brushed at it, caught his balance and grabbed for the phone, clung to QUICK QUAKER and tried again, caught it and reached his free hand up to dial. — Hello? Yes listen I… know it yes but listen I… know it yes I know what day it is that’s what I’m… Because I couldn’t God damn it because I couldn’t! will you lis… Don’t no I don’t want to tell her myself no I, look can you tell her next week tell her get the new boots for her next week can’t you just… Look I know it’s getting cold that’s not what’s God damn it couldn’t you… Because I can’t talk to her right now that’s why! Look at me! I, can’t you just once can’t you, just once couldn’t you, once just not have to win…?

String came lowering a gum wad into the cast of light at the sill abruptly gone with his lurch against the punctured shade coming down on Hoppin’ With Flavor! — Christ what I’m, Christ…

— merican family its full share of the world’s health. Remember. It’s greenl Another fine product of Nobili Laboratories, a proud mem…

— Man like you didn’t even bring in the mail… the door shuddered in on her wading through envelopes, kicking ahead the Journal of Business, Modern Packaging, Financial World — and like there’s this big fucking box out there I can’t even move it. Are you in here…?

— In the library quick just been attacked by Cruden’s Concordance…

— Man like what are you sitting in there in the dark and I mean what’s with the telephone, it’s just hanging here… she freed an arm, passing, to reach and hang it up.

— Got my call took it off the hook… the lamp flickered on, the gum wad took up again, bounded merrily off the quarter, drew up, — got my call won a free dance lesson…

— I mean look I’m expecting this very important call… she came in trailing mail, dumped the raincoat’s pockets of cans, jars, a clothing wad as she pulled it off — like I mean this job they said they’ll call me on this very short notice… she yanked at a zipper.

— Charming little frock never pictured you in a charming little frock… he stared up from the cup’s emptiness, edged over to H-O in reach of the bottle — why you taking off charming little…

— Man like this place is so filthy I can’t even sit down in it, I mean they gave me this twenty dollars for it to look nice for this job like can you hold it a minute?

— Sound like a God damned fastidious horse what’s the…

— No I mean hold it up off the floor man… she shook herself into a shirt — like I’m supposed to be this secretary that’s got these personal problems like am I pregnant or something I said how do I know… she got through over his feet to hang the dress on the dishcloth rack, — I mean for when this public figure grabs me in the window like you should see this place man, I mean they must all shit American flags up there it’s so patriotic.

— God damned disappointment public figure thought you said a horse… the bottle tipped, wavered — like the flags though, Macy’s draw a nice genteel crowd nothing vulgar…

— Man like what do you keep saying this horse I mean I just told you it’s politics, I mean this Mister Cibo that hired me he’s like right out of the Mafia… she paused mismatching button to buttonhole, — I mean I’m jumping out this window with these personal problems and this politician saves me to make him this big hero, like I say how his courageous act shows he cares for people and gives me this courage to face life’s battles once more and they pay me this hundred bucks and I mean what’s with this lamp… she shook it, got around tugging at 24–7 Oz Pkgs Flavored Loops — like there’s this other lamp back here they sent him I mean have you got a quarter?

— Gave you five dollars this morn…

— Like I’m not selling it to you man… she dragged it out, set it up on Moody’s — I mean it’s made of this parking meter you need a quarter to make it go for ah hour.

— Take twelve minutes here’s a nickel, careful that bottle…

— No look man I mean a nickel’s too fat to go in the slot what do you wow, like you drank this whole bottle just today?