William Gaddis - J R

— like sending your mouth on a vacation…

— Send your mouth on a vacation you son of a bitch there!

— actually helps shrink painful hemorrhoidal…

— Bastard!

— prompt temporary relief by reducing painful swelling…

— Oh you bastard you bastard! he plunged the mop handle, pounded it up and down.

— what America is today, so look for volume one of this exciting new children’s encyclopedia at your neighborhood supermar…

— God damn you Christ! how do people… he was on all fours up there back against the ceiling — have one thought one God damned thought one God damned civilized thought in this whole God damned get that God damned thing once for all God damn it…! he flung the mop handle pulled aside 1899’s bound Musical Couriers, Trade Extra 1902, 1911, 1909—no place to put the God damned things… 1903, 1908—must weigh twenty pounds…

— product. A service. A promise of human bet…

— Little bastard you… he heaved at the volumes, dragged up 24–10 Pad Pkgs, 2 Dozen 57 The World’s Largest Selling Ketchup, Tonic Water Twist Cap — hell that ironing board get down there… he yanked at 48 № 1 Cans Beef Gravy and books slithered across the heap — can’t do it God damn it no place to put them…

— join the biggest savings bank fam…

— God damned ironing board… he pulled, yanked, finally ripped at the next one sending papers streaming down — good, Christ… and he followed, holding together the torn sides of Tootsie Roll 12 Count, moving more slowly with each sheet after pasted sheet of paper he picked up — God hundreds of them… finally coming to rest on H-O with the torn carton drawn close — started with eighteen seventy-six have to get them all back in, Christ how did I, look at that what did I think I was doing!

The long hand pressed the short ahead till only the sweep of the second hand crossed the arc up behind him, hunched there on H-O turning up page after page — ANI, LEM abbreviated all these God damned references can’t remember what they, go through every book in the place again Christ, how I worked on this…

He turned the pages more slowly, finally hunched toward the sill for the failing light — must have thought I could, like Diderot good God how I ever thought I could do it…

Oh the sill where the clothespin lay, a string had appeared lowered from above bobbing a wad of gum. He stared at it, picked up another page and stared at that — done it then Christ gone ahead and done it then, written it ten years ago with no pressure on me but now…?

He was watching the gum wad bounce off the clothespin when the phone rang — God suppose she… He got up slowly, in past 200 2-Ply, hesitated before he reached up — yes hello…? He cleared his throat — not here no, oh it’s you Mister Bris… not disturbing me no that’s all right, Mister Bast’s still off on some sort of business… oh you are? Didn’t realize you and he were business associates Mister Brisboy thought it was more ah… no no didn’t mean you didn’t regard him as a dear friend, I… just wouldn’t get this upset Mister Brisboy I’m sure he wouldn’t let that happen, now… No I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you talked to the president of the company, best thing to… here? Sorry I can’t no, I… wait no you don’t under… Look Mister Brisboy I’d be glad to switch you over if I could but… because I don’t know where the hell he is no look I’m just not that familiar with the company’s activit… Haven’t seen his statement in the paper about franchising out the entire health plan but you can’t believe everything you read in the… Rumors of what…? No I heard the stock was sagging a little but… well I’m sure it really is a fun company Mister Brisboy what I’ve seen so far it certainly… to tell your mother what…? Good God wouldn’t want that to happen no, look I’d just… listen I’d just wait till Mister Bast gets back and… I’m sure he will yes no reason some story about these Indians having a clouded title to this reservation means he’d be… I’m sure he’ll bring his Indian costume back yes never mentioned playing dress up but of course Mister Bast seems to have a number of talents I nev… he certainly is yes, now… No no I wouldn’t do that no, no don’t bother to come up here to wait for him no telling when he… No no very land of you but I… yes good, auf Wiedersehen that is yes…

The gum wad bounded off the clothespin, drew up, dropped and missed in the near dark, drew up again as he came back to stand at the sill knuckles gone white one hand grinding the other, the gum wad bounded, drew up — like Robert the Bruce, Christ! he pried up the window and his fist shot out, pounded the gum on the clothespin snapped up from sight past the blind and he banged down the window — got to get out of here… tripped against Tootsie Rolls 12 Count, suddenly had it papers jammed in held together and up behind Won’t Burn, Smoke or Smell and he was through to the door left tipped on its hinge against a shuffle in the dark hall, a tap.

— Hello, Mister…? and then no sound but the falling waters until the door shuddered in again with his weight in the darkness threading past 200 2-Ply, coming down among the stacks of mail on the armless sofa where a hand hung off extended open toward the sill as though to seize the day, or hold it off, when it appeared.

There, a pink hair curler dropped, rolled toward the edge and stopped. He came up on one elbow and waited, finally came up all together and drew a hand over the roughage of his chin. The long hand rose from NO DEPOSIT driving the short before it — Christ got to get started got to, to get started… he bumped against Won’t Burn, Smoke or Smell, picked up both cups floating teabags on Thomas Register — brought that in last night somewhere just have one to get started… and he was back to set a cup of water on Moody’s, tip a bottle over the other. On the sill where the curler lay, string appeared lowered from above bobbing a wad of gum. He stared at it, drank off one cup and then the other, picked up the blue folder and stared at that, patted pockets, rummaged — out and get cigarettes get something to eat come back and get started… and he was through to the door left tipped on its hinge against a tap, a pounding, an expletive, finally the thud of bundles against it.

— Man like what’s all this I mean you can’t get in the door.

— Like climb over it man and I mean help him, like get his foot wait, like help me get the box through… and the shuffle of moccasins, the flap of sandals repeated passing tub and 200 2-Ply — like you bring him up here this morning to practice I mean he doesn’t even bring his insterment…

— Like he’ll hum along then man… the mailbag shook over the sofa’s end, the guitar came up.

— Man like he’s still so spaced out he can’t hum shit… she swept the mail from the sofa to join the heap on the floor, dropped a battered paper shopping bag there and opened the box beside it — come on kitty kitty, man like they really shaved his ass I mean where they sewed him up it looks like this fucking football come on kitty kitty kitty…

Plunk. — Like come on man, hum… plunka plunka…

— Man look out for your, oh wow did you see him go up those boxes? Move his, I mean that telephone it’s like this burgular alarm move his feet man, like I just come in the door and I mean move him! Hello…? He’s not here man, who… Like what do I sound like his cat? I mean if you want to leave Mister Bast this message I mean leave it, like I mean who is this… Man like don’t give me this family history I mean you’re just some bank, right? So like what do you mean you want more collateral spell it man… So? His stock drops to twelve and an eighth like that’s no skin off your ass, what… Like what do you mean the bank’s ass I mean why should he bail you out man, like I mean if you need money so you expect him to bring in like five thousand two hundred and eighty dollars? I mean Bast…? Man like wait I mean nobody gives money to banks like I mean you get money from banks because like that’s where all the fucking money is… No man look I mean don’t put me on with this eighty percents margin of some falling collateral, like you just said you’re selling his stock if he doesn’t bring you in this five thousand two hundred and eighty dollars man I mean when you open this ice tray you’ve got this real surprise coming… No look man I mean look, like you’re this fucking bank, right? So I mean if you’re so hard up for this fucking money go look in your fucking bank vault that’s where… oh wow.