William Gaddis - The Recognitions

— And then when I confessed, all the time I was kneeling, she kept. .

— You better have a swat at this, said the other man, getting the bottle out again. He took a long swat himself, and offered it.

— No, because listen. . Stanley commenced again.

— How about a hand of casino?

Stanley sat in the bed with his knees drawn up, and he let his head fall forward on them. He swallowed, and started to talk again, more rapidly, less loud and, with his head like that, less coherent, — Because when he said, "I exorcise thee, Stanley, being weak but reborn in Holy Baptism, by the living God, by the true God, by God Who redeemed thee with His Precious Blood, that thou mayest be exorcised, that all the illusions and wickedness of the devil's deceits may depart and Hee from thee together with every unclean spirit, adjured by Him Who will come to judge both the quick and the dead, and who will purge the earth with fire. Amen. Let us pray. ." when he said that she just looked at him and I could see her there, and she looked. . she looked. .

The blond woman had returned with a small tray full of bottles and syringes. She stopped at the other bed to clean the mashed potatoes off the counterpane, and the man slid a hand round her waist and ran it up and down her starched thigh. As she bent over him he blew into her ear.

— "to bestow Thy grace upon Thy servant who suffereth from a weakness in the limbs of his body," Stanley mumbled on, — "that whatever is corrupt by earthly frailty, whatever is made violate by the deceit of the devil, may find redemption in the unity of the body of the Church. Have mercy, O Lord, on his groaning, have mercy upon his tears. ."

— In a minute, said the woman at the next bed, pulling away with a giggle and a snap of elastic.

— You see? I remember all of it, even all the words, Stanley burst out, as the woman in white put the small tray down on his night table and pulled one of his arms out straight. — And then. . because then the streaks, those red streaks she had on her, it seemed like they were leaving her face, like they just sort of disappeared and she was as white as… as this, and then he said, "Therefore, accursed devil, hear thy doom, and give honor to the true and living God, give honor to the Lord Jesus Christ, that thou depart with thy works from this servant whom our Lord Jesus Christ hath redeemed with His Precious Blood. Let us pray. ." and she. . she'd started to talk too, and she was crying too, and she said, She will be a nun and sweat blood too, and sweat blood like Blessed Catherine Racconigi, and like Saint Veronica Giuliani and like Saint Lutgarde of Tongres, yes and like Blessed Stefana Quinzani on every Friday the sweat of blood, and conceal the Four Wounds, and hide the Crown of Thorns under her veil like that Poor Clare of Rovereto. . Owwwoww!. . Stanley screamed.

— Jesus Christ, chum. .

— Now hold still, sonny boy, this doesn't hurt, just a little needle.

— But you. . but you. . no, listen! No! No, because I'm. . don't! He cowered back at the head of the bed, away from her. The sun no longer danced off the ceiling and down the wall, but it shone in a steady weakening light of its own, no longer reflected off the water, but shining in through a porthole upon a heavy glass ashtray on another table, where he stared. The corner of the ashtray caught the sunlight and broke it into colors which changed slowly before his eyes, red, to green, to violet, to green, as the ship rocked gently. — Listen!. . Stanley whispered hoarsely, drawn up rigid against the bars of the bed, the tendons in his neck standing out, — Listen, .

There were distant voices, indistinct, broken by shouts from closer by, and sounds totally unfamiliar by this time, all sustained on the throbs of a dull pulsation, which went on, and had been going on all this time like the beat of another heart, but not his own.

— Listen… he repeated weakly. Then he appeared to fall off the end of the bed; but he was up, and with energy not his own, so far as he knew, for he knew his heart had stopped, he got to the door and pulled it open. What he saw stopped him. He staggered, and fell in two or three steps toward the rail where he caught himself.

He stared at the static landscape. It would not move, and he could not accept it that way, not moving, and so crowded. Here and there fragments moved sharply and separate, small boats offside, and people on the dock, cars moving slowly but steady against the hard land, and everything separate; even the noises rose with the discordance of differences, whistles and sharp cries, bells and motorcars breaking their edges against one another. — Where are we? he said, as the woman in white caught him there at the rail.

— Naples, but you…

— But Naples, I have to get off, I have to get off here, I have to get off at Naples, tell them. . wait…

— All right, sonny boy, you come back in to bed, we'll stop at Livorno and Genoa, and you can…

— Wait wait wait look look there she is, there she is, don't you see her? Look don't you see her?

He twisted out of the grip on his shoulder and almost went over the rail, pointing to the figures on the dock below. -Look don't you see her?. . there she is, don't you see her?… with that man, don't you see her with that man, with that man in the black hat and the black coat and the. . with the sling, don't you see them? Don't you see her? Wait! Wait! Wait! he cried, over the rail. — Wait. . wait for me!…

The woman caught him by both shoulders, and dragged him back on his heels, back from that sudden landscape so crowded with detail. The ship's whistle shivered every fixture aboard. Stanley was heaving helplessly when she got him back inside. His eyes were closed, but he kept mumbling, — Now wait. . now wait. . now wait… as she filled the syringe again and thrust the point of the needle into his arm.

He lay shivering in the dim light, the sheet drawn perfectly straight across his shoulder, trying to speak but even as his lips moved, he could not make a sound. In his staring eyes, the image of the woman in white came up the aisle between the beds, carrying a screen, up the aisle. His lips formed, Now wait, not this bed, any other bed but not this bed, now wait… But he could not make a sound. He choked on a scream, Not this bed… but he could not make a sound. He felt for his pocket, but he had no pocket. He found his left wrist with his right hand, and all he felt was the naked wrist.

— Not here… not this bed… not yet… he whispered; and the screen stopped there two beds away, and came open.

Stanley listened: he thought he could hear the beads rolling on the floor; mounting, pausing, rolling back. -Pater noster, he whispered as they rolled, — qui es in coelis… His tongue found the hollow on his gum. — Qui tollis peccata mundi… no I mean qui. . qui. . who. .

He coughed, and tried to say, Wait!… but found he was throwing up, and put his head over the side of the bed. Then he put a foot out, and it touched the cold floor. The sound of the engines rose, and with that his heart took up beating heavily, and he caught his breath and was able to breathe. Both feet on the cold steel floor, he steadied himself with a hand on his night table and tried to whisper Wait. . but he heard, — What?. . what am I… doing here? all I have… all I have lost. . He was dizzy, standing.

The ship bumped, and shook. He held to the foot of the bed, and held the more tightly when the whistle sundered the only sounds he had, and failed, coming back from the harbor in fragments to augment them: the steady energumenical force of the engines, filling his heart to a shape rising from his chest to burst the bounds of his throat, and the squeaking, squeaking, squeaking behind the screen. That sound had begun unevenly, and then stopped, and commenced again with the regular mounting thrust and withdrawal of the engines and of his heart, faster, all of them as he came closer to the shadowless screen and behind it a moan, and gasps, the wary and then attacking steps and panting of the beast he approached silently, whispering unheard, — Wait. . don't. . don't. . leave me alone.