Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

At the side of your bed I touch your hands. I know they are going wrong. They’re not. Not doing all what they should ever should. Your eyes. Turned back. Sleeping in your head. That’s it happening and I’m. No. I’m right. I’m staying here. I hear. Across the house. Like howl. Like wind. Fucking devil. My head. Come and get me. Jesus save. Jesus pray. Uncle that. Let him die. Let him be dead. He should he fuck. He fucks fucks me in me every day. I want to. Yes I’ll. Here and now. I’m going to. I will. I will yes here with you. Must. And want to. Going to going to going to. Stay. Her. Here. Her. Not her here. Me.

I see they’re not going. He pets her in the kitchen and she cooks the tea. Our mother wants them always. They are staying here. We’re staying for the time being. Til the bitter. Fuck them. Bitter. They just want to see it to the end.

Mammy sitting one afternoon. We’ve something about which we should talk. Your brother. What? Can’t seem to get up out of his bed. Anymore. I see you staggering. I see that. It means the end of things is coming. I know. Faster.

Around that dinner table. Stuffing all our mouths shut. She aunt going nack nack nack for she always has thoughts and always wants to say I. Spoon the peas the carrots in and dry spud choke me make sick I like. The best that way. Clinking he does drinking wine he bought petrol tasting and it get me in the throat. I warm though. Under. None the others won’t have and you are sleep. You’ll have a tray of neat and little cut up things shush for later there. They thank you god for being so good thank you lord for all my friends thank you god for everything thank you god. Amen. Sing. Like I was at school. I sang each day. There eat up there it will make you strong. I strong I think I’m on the mend. I clean my everything. Feel the carrots dissolve and the spud go down. There’s a whole clean world in here is mine. But he looks up at my face and I’m. Cough the dinner. Lights. Are dim but. Those eyes uncle eyes eat all things off my skin. He looks through the table smile at me. Burn and I’ll look. No. Not at. Through the window at the rain coming in. Are you going are you staying? When’s safe for me? He. Twist me. He see me in. This fucking house spring my neck trap he got me in. But. I. Yes. Can too. Do too. If I choose. I’m. There’s my plate on the worktop Mammy. I’m going out. Where you? See you I. I’m off. Put my coat on. Safe me. Out of here. In the black that grey that. Wet black sky. If I want to. There’s something. Because I am able to say no. Because I am. I. Want to. It keeps me clean near you.

I know where the tarmac go. Where the lights fall gravel comes place for me. It hush in the dark in the night in the sky I hear I see. Ever up there something. I. Car coming down the road. Come for me. No. Pull up. Hear that. My uncle. Get in he says. You shouldn’t walk here at night. He. At the steering wheel. I sit. Rocking with the engine with the petrol tank. Think. There’s a there’s a world’s not this. Where you going? I. Your mother’s very hassled. She could do without your antics traipsing off. Your brother. Don’t you say. Just start driving. He pulls out. I’m going to take you where? What? Where you going? Going to the lake. Why? Things to do. I. I’ll come with you you won’t. Yes. No. I think I know. So? Gull the engine. Gull the traffic going by. You and me he say, we have things to. No. Just there. It’s there. Pull in and. Here? Little road pull up. It’s dark. Yes. What you do here? Not your business. But I but. Ssssshh. I come here on my own. But I. Sit. You can wait. Here. Or go. I’ll come. No. This is not for you.

I go into the black of trees. I wander over a silver of lake see the moon in. See the night and no one round. No one here. I sit on moss wet ground I sit and feel the. No. Don’t feel here. In this moment in the place like this. I want the. Earth. My legs spread wide. The tremble moment men invade. Boys come in. I was small. I. Wounds were good for deep and. Quiet. Listen. Something. What’s here? What’s here? The crackling ground. Moving. Come the fucking soldiers for me. Come the heavenly host. That smell of stink cigs smell of stink of shit and cloy. Stink I want. Dirt clothes and mats and hair that. Hands are. Greasy with oil or. They come. Here are two. Two with them with cans or them six pack. Settle by the water. Settle by the edge. Toothing open bottles. I hear them laughs.

When it’s black and still again. Light their fags. And I say. Hello. Sit with them. Be the smelt. I. Fucking. Game think I know you. From before. Hello you there they say. You know it’s not safe to be hanging around here in the dark. I know you I say. Yes? From before. Do you? he says Where? Have a gulp of. Fizzy under skin. Thanks for. He’s older is he than I thought? From here. Maybe two months past. Really? Yes I know him fish shit man. Hmm he says. Oh yes, you called me a cunt. You were being disgusting. So I was but weren’t you? No. Nice young girleen come down here doing. You do. I do. Well I won’t hold it against you he says. Why don’t you come here and sit on my lap? No. Knotty fingers out. Black with something. Touch my leg. Say how you’d like come in the dark dirt with me? I. What else are you doing here? He stand up. Come on. Get me by the wrist. Lead me over the stones. I remember the rank. Go on. Teeth. See that hawthorn flower? Lie you down there that fallen tree. A lovely blossom teeth. He. No hang on I. Just shut up and pull your knickers down. Spread. I. His fingers. That. Ready now girl. There’s a big. Now. Ready there. Fall on me. Fuck. Thhh. Hurts. Ow. I’m. Push my face on the. Pull my hair. Hold me down. I like the. I’m not. Work on the it’s. In me. I. Fuck you I. Fuck you. He. Waddle happy there in me. I’m a cunt am I? Dabble. Give pain where. I. It. Extra. Hard work. Him. The. Ssssss the sting but. No. Go on. Mind that. Go on. Ha ha do you come here often? There’s the. I know. This go. Well. Proper as it. Is. Feel that. Should I. Press into my ribcage. Push he. Push air out. Pin me there. I. Ow all all and there the. He so happy. Cracking ground. Sounds. Someone’s come. Me? No. Shut up. Struggle up my head. I. In the. See. Rush in the mouth. I know that’s the right thing. When I. Pus. Or spit the. Cough. I. Blood. Frail lady I would be. He. Who’s that in the branches? What’s that? Look at me. He in the pine trees leaning. Look at me. At the mount at the. Yee haa girleen. Jesus jesus. He. Come on. Spout up he up. What’s the shower up the. Finsih in me. Fincsh. Good girl the. End of it.

Come out. Tidy there’s a tissue. Now see I’m a gentleman. I take I. Fall in. Let the. What’s the air. Oxygen. Get into me. And pull his pants up. Tucking the thing thought in. Nad byt ehn. What’s that in my ear? Thanks goodbye. He says do you want to come sit with us. Have a few of our beers? No. A fine nice night. I pull up and down my clothes. No. Are you too good for us? Sit with. Down there. Come on girleen. Have my wrist I. Is there? Jesus though. He is. There Uncle. Turn.

What you doing? To that girl? You fucking. Pervert. Fucking. Scum you. Get you here he says. What’s it to you? says my fucker. Uncle reach lands a thump on his ear so he stumbles. Get off me she wanted it. Blow again too hard on his face. He falls down. Don’t I. Stop it. Pervert you. My niece. My. Stop. Kick him stomach. He holds out his scum hands Okay sorry I’m sorry just leave me alone. Stop it I. Shut up you. Kicks into him harder again. Harder. Stop stop it Jesus leave him alone. Fuck you he reach down and get him by the hair. He hit and hit him to curled up there. You bastard stinking fucking. Stop Jesus stop it I wanted him to. And that man on the ground. Pass out. Just stop. Come on. Spit on him. You fucking pervert you fucking dare. She’s my. Leave him be.