Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

I thought about it and I could not stop. All walls mohow do I changiving around inside myself topple over. I can hold. I can hold them up if I I cannot if they’ll fall in. Where I stood. Where I sat. What sat on my lips and in my mouth. Sour and rank. Like I could trip inside myself. There are so many things. I moved and caught. Who are you who are you now with this slip and nightdress on. With these jeans with this bright red hat. For in that I was swimming. I can do myself. Damage. That’s it if I would. Do you hear me? Is it ever time for you to understand. I meant I meant that for I never thought you could think you were low. Were lost at the moment when they cut you off. Cut your head out heart brain. It is not I know was not that but to me it was to me. Like I could have seen you in the bright of day. Like the light could have come up from the sea and take you over. Me over. Is there. Forgive that. Forgive that me that I was fallen down. That I was under the weather under the same sky and did not. Not yet. If I took. If I had taken your good right hand I might have pulled you. Up. Pulled the black sea out of us. Saw you. Left you. Is there some truth in that? I went out to the cold. Thought I’d know what to do. Bring you with me. Bring you with. Sad and sad and sad fool me slipping down. Slope hill mountainside. Muck and stones on me. On my feet and rain in my hair. I thought about it but I could not stop. Pushed it further in. Needle and syringe. This will take me out of that. Like it could. As though it might do in any way. Forgive. Forgive me that that I didn’t see. Look out my eyes. That I didn’t know what I was doing though I did though I did. Oh do you love me. Can you love me. Do you love me still. My sins. My grievous. Woe my wrong. I went out to him and said do what you will if you want. If you’re able will you save me from that. I put a pillow on my face on your face and I said suffocate. It could have been. It could have been that. If I chose if I didn’t. If I knew what I do. I don’t so by the way I’m telling you. I’m warning now what a monster I have become. Soap in my mouth my eyes my hair turning bitter at the smallest drop. Of the rain give me the rain and all that. Wash oh yes that’s it wash away. My. Sin. Do you see. I can do what I can and that is that’s what I can do. Yes I’ve done my worst now have I yes I’ve done my falling down failed but will you. Let me. Pick you up. In some way. Just a little? These are my bits. My pieces I have dropped and thrown along the way. The pieces that were mine. Of me. Of my leprous hands my skin my eyes that I do not. Have not known too much. Held. Out to you. You need. I see that. You have fallen down. My brother. My brother and my love. For you’re the first one that I ever had. And we’ll be good as good we ever were. Gold. Children with running noses straggly hair and cheeks all chapped and braised by the wind by the sea. When we fell off things and chopped and cut ourselves til we thought we’d die. Of blood. Of cuts. And all our wounds we picked at. I yours you pick mine the scab of. Itch it. Itch it scratch til we bleed. Till the guck pours out. See it’s better now dabbling a finger in. See it’s running like water down my leg. See that. You’re my brother. See that. You are he. The one you were and I was too. All our shit for brains. Liked that. Swallow it down. We are. You are. No. That was me. See that all that. How great I was. Sure I was then that I might have been. Anyone. You too. Not. I’m so talented and you’re so thick. Did I say that? I don’t know. Do you love me? Can you love me even after that? Even now. I won’t ask and I won’t say that inside myself or ever out again. Forgive me brother. I know not what I do. Forgive me brother for I have sinned. We are all the things we’ll ever be. Even when I go on after that. After what is coming. Though it’s happening to you. Oh bless. Me. Find a way out of this. We were not meant. I know. Meant to go wrong. How we could not. How to avoid that I can’t discover. When do you think I will see you again? Do you think that I will. I will. I will. For I won’t let go. Even when you’re gone. Time’s going onwards. See it in my clock head. Ticking until you are run down. And I am frightened and I am afraid of the cold. Of the dark. Of the sea. See. I will do my best. For all I am the thing I am for what I am. For you. You. Until the ships come in, is that the right way? I don’t know now. I don’t know much. At all. Almost a thing. Say you love I’ll say I love you. Nothing better and nothing more? It needs an answer. Doesn’t. Answer me this. Do you think you’re going home? For a walk or for the night? Will it be good there? Any chance you’ll let me know? No. How would that be just a bad idea. Just a thing wrong. You. Us. For the meantime. In the meantime. I’ll say. Hold my hand. I’ll do. My. For you. My best for you. For what we should be. If you can show me all the parts that are working. And the not. Hurting or sleeping. Show me this in secret code. To fix. I’ll purge it. Kill it out. I’d kill anything for you. Rabbits and rats. Wring their necks to test on. Crushing flesh. Race round the world for only once born flower buds. Once thousand years I’d press their sap on you. Stick their thorns in you. Stick moss and weeds. Dance naked in the field horse through the town. Whisper that. You are sleeping. I know. I know. That dying way. Fully with your eyes saying last time for this. Last time for that. Open them up for me. Let me see in. To pluck out. To see it. A bit more. A just a bit more before. They are blue. So. Blue as up and up beyond. But they’re not bothered with a living thing. Food or children fecking loudly over football on the street. Cats meowing or my good perfume I think smells so well. Open your eyes show me what’s in. I’ll pull it out. I’ll bite it off like all wrong stitching. All wrong thread. Do I think I am who do I think I am. What did I ever do for you. I’ll do something that you want once. What. You’re off. Escaping all these things. Go away a little bit now. Now and more but still and still. I’d like to say. I’d like to say. Don’t. Stay here. Please. If you will. I won’t. I swear. Leave you alone.

Oh God light running through the room. I know. It’s supposed to be. And burn. No. Shine. This is not for me. Turn. Quiet in the morning. Through the house. I’m caught where the light comes. Where the sun comes in. Twist. Wind blankets bandage done. I hurt. And ache. For I have done. What? Nothing. Nothing at all. Turn the. Light out sound out. If I could. Wake up. I’ve plenty things to do. Through the nets puff breeze from a sky of blue. Hot. I don’t like. For aaApril this. Or May? I don’t. What? Day going. Days go. And I’ve been here a long long time. Weeks or years or. There’s a. Something. What? Surprise. Like I’ve never been gone.

I did not keep my curtains closed. They’re wide as anything. What for. To see. I’m in. The house. Is here. Where you. Are you. Sleeping. Through this wall. Sleeping hard. Tight with it. Days longer sleeping all the time. I am. Working on the. I am here. Minding.

All these motes drizzle in the sun. I should set the day. For the. I am the first up. Know that I will be watching. Listen for every hic and cough. See you and what’s that? The corner of my eye. Are you slipping are you forgetting? No that’s not right because. You. Not doing anything such as die. It’s a while yet. That’s for a time to come. In the weeks since I am back here. I think. Praying. She’s right. That’s the thing. My. Brother. Same as always. Doing all the same. You don’t want gravy. You don’t want jam on your bread. You want the TV and play kicking kicking games. That’s good that’s right I am wrong. I heard every single thing wrong. Just that I’m here is the. What? Change. They don’t know everything. They can make mistakes. I know I know that’s true I know I. Don’t do that I. Do it. But only when I can think this way. Now I’m here and seeing you doing right all the things you’ve ever done. And last night. Though. You. When I heard you singing some song. Wrong. Just. Something in it. Wrong. That line that. Went up. Went down. Don’t. Not that easy when that comes. That tumour. Floating sometimes in. In dribs in. Little niggles in. Like a something. Is it? Gone in your ear. That marauder. Is yes. Is really going on.