Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

Perhaps contact your hospice? No. We’ll keep him. Me my mother. We. Will. Take care of him. Here. He won’t. Let him be somewhere on his own. In the dark. He’s a little boy. He’s. Well then keep him home long as you can. I. Will. Thank you. Doctor for. Say. That’s a. I know. Bye then.

My head. My head in hands in my feet in my jaws roaring blood I can’t. Fine. Cold and fine. With our. With our. It’ll be fine well. Knocking tat the door she is. Comes in and listens to what I say. Impart the. He’s dying. The tumour. That living thing. It’s kept growing on the chemo over it. Bastard it. In his head and. Shhh he’s sleeping she says. Mammy. No. Let’s sit down. Bow our our. Intercede. No. Implored thy intercession was left unaided. Fly unto thee oh virgin of virgins my mother. To thee do we come. Before thee we stand sinful and sorrowful. No. Mother of the word incarnate despise not my pet. My pet. Ition. You listen to me. It’s me. You. Listen to me. Mammy. For once. One time. But graciously hear and answer us. Scream at. Do you hear me? Me. Me. Something awful’s going to. You can’t believe it away. She is fever nibbling saying Do not be afraid I will save you I have called you by. What. Called you by what? I. Aye. Hi. Hello in there. Name. Jesus. Listen to what I’ve. Got. To. Say. I bless and cross in ainm an Athar agus an Mhic agus Spioraid Naoimh. Amen. Amen. He’s going to die. Don’t say that. Don’t tell him. He’ll give up. He’ll lose his. Faith and then we’re really done. Done. Really. Really. Is that that? What faith does he have? And are you thinking that? That? Yes. You. Are. A. Fool. A fool in Christ. Shut up. Faith won’t save him. The Lord. Shut the fuck with that. Langu. Stop it. He’s a right to know. I’m his mother I forbid. He has a right to know he’s going to die. Then let it be on your head. Let it be on you. If you he dies let it be on you. Mammy. Don’t tell. Mammy. You heard what I said.

I’m soon. I don’t look at you. I’m going home. Here. Up there. For a while. Need a. Think of. O. Kay. Okay. Have to rub it out off me. And I’ll. Yes. I’ll let you know. What? What’s the thing. Mammy. The anything I can do about this.

I walk the street. City. Running through my mouth. Running in my teeth the. My eyes are. All the things. The said the done what there what’s all this? That stuff. I could do. My. I walk the street. Who’s him? That man. Who’s him there having a looking at me he. Look at my. Tits. Ssss. Fuck word. No don’t. Fuck that. No. Will. Not that. Not. That. But. If I want to then I can do. And it would fill me up fine. And I. I do. Do it. Take him back with me. Give him. The word. I want that. Hurt me. Until I am outside pain.

But I am ready soon after to take the. Walk back across the waves. Plunge. Say to her, friend, lookit well. I can’t stay. They need me you see need me. Home. So I have to go and put all those things down. The toys you see. Learning. Reading. Ranting the town. Fuck. You and me. Do you know all that’s done now. All that doing going mad and like and it was. It was. Well whatever you want she says. Pay your rent up I’ll get someone else in. Yep. I did. So. That’s that then. Hope your brother gets well. Yes. Sure I’ll probably see you around in the Spring or what. I’ll see you. Bye bye then. Oh I forgot to say. Your uncle called. Call.

He says. Thank God. Be quiet I say close your eyes. Open your fly. Just do it in your mind can’t you. I want. To be able to now. So much. I can’t. I want. My brother. Fucking where are you for me Fuck I. Sorry, he says Your aunt’s just arrived but I. Good for. Good fuck for you I hope she dies. Don’t hang up. I hope you die. Sssssss. Sorr. Fuck you. Fuck me too.

I know. I’ll lock the door and leave it behind. See that there. I’ll leave it in the room in the bed and under those clothes. Hump. For I’m grown up and I don’t need those childish. Those. I’ll take them with me won’t. No. That’s the end of the end of that and I won’t be seeing doing. Fucking. No more. No fucking much. My family. Need me. Shut your legs. I won’t be. I won’t anymore.

It’s the train again. That train again and I am in. Safe. See that. Me. Me. Me. With my bags sitting pack on pack beneath. On my feet. Hem me. Pin me. Nail me in. And I left none behind. Looking out on it. See you city. I see you. My land love. City going. Out. On and on. That’s the one I made. I went in. It was me my home. As. I don’t know. I think. I did it. There. I liked. Thinking. That. I went in. All the way. Up to my hilt. My pelt. Leaving all it now. What’s before what’s before. Me. Spreading out like muck like shite. The future coming panic. And vibrating. Going somewhere in my brain. In my neck. Thump thump. The thing. Oh no. Oh not that. It is. And I know when those lights go turn on. You. Try to think of you. Think of your brother. Given fucking up for Lent. But I’ve done enough to know that. When it’s coming. Itch will come. I can’t. Squirming but panic this like I don’t. I. Need. Someone. Catch out. Do I know not what I do. No and so. There now. There now. No good. Climb it. Comes for me. And I look up. Feel the wound going in. I did not. Not here. Expect.

I look about me see some man. Some sandwich quiet curly hair. Dip biscuit mild and not prepared for anything like that I cough. Cough to him. For I could choke. No I could choke and he might think look. The sweet the nasty. Thing. I am. Perfect. Ploy. Who can resist? He does not as I know. Knew. Rise his head. Oh God are you? Come beating on my back with the flat palm of his hand. Your arms up. He my aid. Try drink this that’s it. Are you. Alright there now are you alright and fluster me fluster my hands. I put. On to his hands. Shall we begin at the beginning here. What I set myself to do. Don’t. Too late miss too late for you. Oh thanks and thank you saved my life. The web and stick of it. I reel it reel him. Draw him over. For I can hardly breathe. You want. I want. Let him in. How do I know that, I do. I. It will conclude. This way. One way. Come.

Something in the toilets. He. My God I never. Sssss don’t say anymore. Hold the basin sit rattle back. Spread as can. And he in his blood way up. Obliging and obliged. Fingers up me. Filthy round the quick. And I thought that when I cleaned between my legs. Press it in me. Pewled and scared. I’d be sick but what else. It’s what I have to do. And watch him bobbing. For he must do my thing. Under my skin. Keep. So I can. That’s it. Sit without. Something. Screeching. No not that. Other things. All the way home. Jiggedy Jig. Is that it? Let the pus run out.

At the end he want to kiss me. I’ve never done anything like that. You should wash your fingers. Can I give you a ring? Sometime. Maybe I’ll see you again, I won’t. That makes the sick of me. Check no skirt tucked in my knickers. All sedated. Bye bye.

I limp from rail to home. Under some raining sky. Drag the bags all with me. Hold off. It does and I get in. Home and dry. It’s what. It’s dark. Hello? Where the lights are. Hello? And. Are you even here? Ah there. In the kitchen. In the kitchen in the dark. Doing something on the cooker. I catch you moving slow in the the lampless in the corner of my. I’m home I’m home now. Shall I turn on the light? Yes. You are. I hug you. I am really glad that you are here. What. There you say sit down. She. Gone praying for the something. I don’t know what’s it this time. I thought I’d make the tea, you say, so I don’t know how long she’ll be. I’ll help. No I’ll do it you say, you say for you to me. I. Sit. See pasta I can strain like this you say. I see your hand. Shake bad. You hold the sieve. See I’ll pour it out just like this I watched a programme. Mind you’ll. Drop it you do. Try to catch. Ow. You. It falls. And scald your hand and food go flying all around. Sliding. All the way down. I jump up. Got you. You saying I can’t. Can’t I don’t I don’t see I don’t understand what’s why is this. Happening. To me. To me. My brother please please oh please. Don’t say it. But. I run the cold water tap. Put your hand there let me. Do this. But dinner. It’s fine. Don’t you care I’ll wipe. I’ll fix it. But I wanted you say, I thought you’d like, I’d make you dinner for when you came. I knew see you were coming today I am right today? you say. Yes. Here I am. This is today I. And you start. To cry. Like my little boy I knew. I knew. When I was younger than you. So many years ago when. You sit. You say. I’m just so tired. I’m just so ill.