Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

He gets me. Hello Missy. By the wrist and it can hurt. Take me to the bushes. They don’t care. Ra ra ra. The night’s begun someone sings. Shut up. Haven’t seen you before. I don’t care. I’m here for. Kiss me slobbly. Let him do it. Wet and tongue. Lick the. Squeeze me. Ah fine fuck fine. Something. Different and all that. Sliding. Variety’s the spice of life. Go on get on with it. Part your legs missy please. That’s all that we can do hey yes. Yes? Spits on his hand. Do. Grease himself. You fucking miss. Now. Ffffff. Open wide. There we go now hey. That. There we go. Ah. Sssss that. Come. Go on you fucking. Not. Ah. Something. Fun for everyone. There’s it. That’s it. Fucking. For a laugh. Ow I say. Ah ha ha ha. All this until blah blah he comes. My head bouncing nod nod on his shoulder. Off the bone.

After. Sore and used up. Is the way. Is the best thing you’d be if you were me. For you’d like that that solid feeling. On the ground. Full of stones like eating after fasts. Pull my knickers up. Tight. Go on rinse yourself he says. Where the loonies go. See a dead one. Gotcha. Ha ha. Go on slap it up you up your crack. Fish shit in you. Will you ever fuck off you cunt I say. Well. Seeya fuck you later. No. Fuck you very much. Ha Ha.

Go off. Leave me on the lake. Lapping like a shore. Reach for. Wash now. Reach. I can’t. Touch. It. Ocean water puddle lake. Now. Put back my face. This is the last time here.

I went home. On the stones. In the pale moonlight. Nothing in or by my side. Full my mouth swelled. His guck between my legs. His. Horrible. Even better if it run down. Skanky. Laughs. This is the way I’d like to be. If I had a chance. To start again. I wouldn’t. I’d do this. I would. But every day. Every day.

Red lights red lights one two three turn the lock and turn the key red lights.

I look in at you sleeping. I have never been away. She asleep too. Praying. Bible at her head. And I get into bed when I’ve washed my thighs. Whisper. I. Thank God. For you. For it. Tonight. Amen.

These journeys. These train journeys they are always going on. What I. Am I doing? Rolling over the country. I’ll give up going soon. Where? Here or back or. Enough. Thankless pointless things I’ll learn. To. But. Like it matters now who inspired who and who. Fuck that I don’t. Care. I. And your other one. Stupid cow out running friend. Drive my head round the bend with all the oh my life has troubles too. But I better do, have got to. Just stop see and cut the cord the thread with this life and I’ll be alright. Give it up, uncle up, that’s the way. No. And it sounds easy. It sounds not. But what I want. Not to be this. Ripped. Ah I see. Not. To. Do. This. Any. More. What. Nothing I don’t do a thing. Few fucks here and then and who’s that to do with? No one but myself. See. See. In the future I’ll decide. If I must go home. For good. If I. But now. But now. I’m doing fine. Like you. I’m. Doing. Fine.

Bring bring

He looks at me. Wonders what this is but I’m. I say. I can’t wait for you anymore. Hands. Mouth. Take me backwards into that dark room. His. He rip me open and hurt because I say though I don’t want, he beg. No that’s all I ask. And take for yourself. Whatever. You. Want. Because I know there’s not much left. When he kisses. I am. Strangle. And he pushes me down. Something flooding. My face my hands with. I. It’s you I want he says not all this shit. Fuck that. Just hit me on the face. No. Then get off. Get fucking off. Alright slaps my face. That’s all I’ll manage. Some more than. Please. Take off my clothes. Stand in front I of him bare. Isn’t it just like what you did to me when I was thirteen? Didn’t you like that, when you hurt me then? Don’t. More. He hits hard. I say don’t be done. Don’t be done. I don’t want this he says I don’t want. Just til my nose bleeds and that will be enough. So he hits til I fall over. Crushing under. Hits again. He hits til something’s click and the blood begins to run. Jesus he says. I feel sick. But I’m rush with feeling. Wide and. He thinks he’s bad when he fucks me now. And so he is. I’m better though. In fact I am almost best.

After he says my little girl my little come here to me. Kiss me. Sore face. Wipe my nose. There. What the fuck? I can’t say no. I can’t say no when I’m with you he says. I feel the penis on my leg. Ever he keeps me under. Sleeps on top of naked. But my guts are free.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Morning after pull my hair. Look at your face. Look at the state of your face. You want that done to you? Why do you want that done? Didn’t stop you I say. He says I didn’t want. I did not want to do that. Kiss the bruise on my cheek. Bruise on my eyebrow. Beautiful beautiful thing. This is the closest thing to love.

Jesus Christ oh Jesus Christ she says. Oh Jesus what happened your face? Did someone beat you up? Were you mugged? Fucking hell. No. She smokes mad now. Drop ash on the table on the carpet. Did he do that to you? Did he? Did he do that? He’s not coming here again, you hear and don’t you ever ask. I don’t care close the door in her face.

I stand corrected at the edge of the street. I stick my face out in the wind. Bursts of air-condition heat groaning up the sky. Faraway jets above. I know where they’ll fly. If I was on I would. Go like that. Outside my door I walk under the scaffold. Not the same as ladder. But bless myself all the same. I didn’t for a long time and look what happened then? No what happened you isn’t all my.

In the mornings after he came. I couldn’t do. Did once or twice go hunt with her. Just lighten up she says. But fun’s gone out of that I’m lost. In the deep sea. In as the saying goes over my head with what. With what. Salt on the brain. I have done. Do think of you. All the time. When he is here. When’s he coming again?

He says he is. Not here he can’t. It’s not your flat. I’m not going out and I’ll call the guards. I asked him to. That’s worse. You are fucked- up in the head. Do you hear me? I’m not going to sit and hear you beaten to shite. Muster all I can. I can do what I can do if I want. I don’t know what to say. I have to do this for. For. For. What? You’re not the only one with problems. So wrapped up in yourself in your brother and your uncle and fucking weird fucking. All that stuff gone on with him. I. Don’t judge me or I’ll judge you. It’s very sad and all and I wish it wasn’t happening but fuck me you’re not the centre of the world. And I’m not helping you get fucked-up more. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

I could rove through the flat for days not look see her if I could. I would. Do that. Get up. Get out. Out of her way of her hair. Fuck her everyone. Fuck them all for I’m being buried right here on my own. I say to him. That’s it. Don’t come, I think, anymore. Just come to my hotel once? No. I think. I think I’ll not. But. I shouldn’t do this it makes me. Something. Bye.

And I go down again always going back down. To home to you. Is well.

Ringing and ringing. Go on and on get that phone. Get that you says Mammy. Don’t want to talk she says. I’m going I’m going. Hello. Who? I see. No my mother no. She doesn’t want. No. You better talk to me. It’s fine. Close the door. I’m. Yes. Sitting down.

You know we took the scan again last week the doctor says. Yes? I’ve the results here. Think I don’t want to do this. There’s a long way. Down this phone. This line. And I see him. Clicking. Looking at his does he see it through the light like x-rays? Scans. Like scans. Hiss myself concentrate. Now be calm.

Your brother. Yes? It’s four months since chemo began. And yes. That’s right. Will you get on. I can’t. Fathom. As you know now we know what. What? We’re dealing with. And to come. And that’s? Ahem. What I’m saying. Listen. What I’m sorry to tell you. No. No. It’s continued to grow. No. I’m sorry. But you said you would. Cut it back hedges weeds like grass? It’s not working and what I’m saying is, it’s a matter of time. He’ll. He’s going to die? My brother? I don’t think that’s right. We did what we could. We were trying for time. Time and that’s all we have managed. No. I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. So. Can you say how long? Two months three if the. What? Going’s good. Jesus not that. You said. He might. With the all the things they can do. Remember? Sorry I’m so sorry. No you. God. That’s not enough. Not. For him. Please calm yourself. I’m. Gasp at. Stop it. Is there anything you want to ask? Voices is all I have over a phone. I’m sorry I say will you tell me more? He shouldn’t have any pain. He’ll just fall asleep. Sleeping. Oh. My brother. This doesn’t make. Doesn’t isn’t t t t sense sense sense to me. No. He’ll be confused. Some of the time. Afraid? I don’t know. If you. Oh God it’s up to me to tell. My brother. I’m so sorry. Shall I go on? But. Ye. Yes. My my my brother but I think I see understand. He’s slipping right, just out of the world. In a. Yes. In a way. Yes that’s true. So I’ll hold him as if. He’s falling. Yes. He’s going. Yes. He’s already nearly gone. He is. I under. Understand.