Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

In the aftermath we sit and rock. Sitting open hand in the chair. Let what sunlight is come in. It must do surely. Keep on shining today and today and today. Going round the earth and all those places. It must. It has all my. All my life spreading now like a stain in front has not got me ready for the end of you. If I could lift this moment out of time. Rip it. Go back go back. Once. Please. Not for you this. Not for you. Your life must be a different thing. Not to face this. Not go through. Not be afraid in the dark of it coming on. Not see it between the slits in your eyes. But I. What did he say? Says you Did he say I could go home soon, now I’m alright? There he did. Yes he. Why don’t you have a little sleep? That’s right. Go on. Have a little snooze. You’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.

But on the outside I’d be running til my heart burst out. Walking through the gardens. Storming through the trees. I’d rip their leaves off heads off if I could. I would flee the place and abandon ship. I would tear my eyes out nails out. Just. To stop. Just to stop it going in me, what I know. What I know. Will happen. Will come now. Soon. Get it. There’s no way for this. Not a single way. Out.

She praying praying. I’ll leave her on her knees for good. Forever if she wants. If she likes to. Just leave her there. She knows the way. The truth the light of this? Does she? Good for her and. Fuck me, I say.

I called him then in the hospital foyer. The want of like string on my hands. I. Phone pissing money coin p’s away. Is that you? Then. Christ why are you calling me? he says. But. Pip by pip pip. I. Tell me what’s wrong? Please come and save me please pull me from. What? Ten p’s to p’s pounds. My brother’s going to die. He what? Clicks. Please save me. Speak up I can’t quite. Hang on. Hang on. I shovel them in struggling thick tears off my muck impure skin but. Purely too, beg. Please? I can’t hear speak up. Against that I give way. Against that I go under and he seems so suddenly. Far down the line. Besides what he could say with one eye on the kitchen? I think Do you love me? I say Is she there? She’s not at the moment. It’ll be. Fine he says. How can he tell? Can he see all about me patients miracling well? Are they picking up their beds to walk after touching which hems that made them whole? Let them. I wish you could. Or let them die. Hello? Are you still there? His voice tiny diamond cutting strips out of air. I want that to swim in, not pestilent here. I want us to sin so I may survive this, so I may hold onto my bandage of self if I can if I need. I’ll come he says I. Just tell your fucking wife her nephew’s going to die.

Get you hot chocolate her cup of tea. Don’t burn your mouth on that. And listen to thee to we cry poor banished children of eve. To thee do we send up our sighs mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. I let what he said go over in me. It will be alright. It all will be. I think by keeping very still I’ll stop time in its tracks. He can draw the poison out. He is talisman in that.

And in the hotel saying I need to go back up. Just a few days. Alright dear my pet. You go on there’s not much for you to do. You’re sure? I’m sure, we’ll see you soon.

In the waves. I am in the waves by the city in the sea. I’ve come out. To be in the cold. To see again for a long way off. Out there somewhere is. New York. What if I could go? It would be so. So far I cannot even see. Not from where I am. Towers or taxis. What would I be there? I’d be free or. Looking from very far back to this beach. I baptise. Baptise me. That I take. For I can’t complain it’s wrong. Free me clean me and save me from. My brother from this. I have to. I still have to go home.

I did. Quiet. All that house. Like the dust mites were noisy like the rooks in the trees made more sound than you can bear. Your ears tuning the volume like that she says. Whisper. Walk about balls of our feet. How are you, hey? How do you feel? Good not too bad. Everything’s loud. I think they cleaned wax out my ears Mammy isn’t that right? It is love it is. It’ll settle down. A week or two. I’ll be back to work you say soon. Stacking. They always need me. Always phoning asking where I’ve been, isn’t that right Mammy? Ah. Yes love. And what else you been doing? I went to the hospital I hit my head. Yes I saw you there remember? No. Mammy she wasn’t there was she? No love. Don’t upset yourself have a little lie down. What? I don’t understand this wavelength at first view. He doesn’t really remember she says Sometimes one day from the next so don’t say. I see. I understand. They start the chemo next week and everything’ll be grand. Will it? It will the Lord’s told me so. I see but the doctors. And what would they know? He survived with the good grace of God before. But. Don’t start with me. Have faith that’s all I want. Yes Mammy. I understand. Make your life a prayerful one and he will answer. But I. That’s all. Yes Mammy. Trawl through this while then go back where I came.

No sign of him. Oh God. And then. She says there’s a message for you on the answer machine a bit weird, I don’t know him. Some guy you done? Feed the tape. Listen over again and again. Hissing. Hello? I don’t know if this is you. I’m going to be over this weekend. Hello? Shall I come? Are you there? I hope you are. Do you even live here? This wasn’t the number you gave me. I had to. Never mind. I don’t know if. Anyway call if you want. The hotel is tick tick tick.

Who’s that? Someone special? Never mind. Oh now now aren’t we the quiet type. Sounds a bit old for you. Shut up. This not like that.

I don’t know. Swallow it. And in this time. Is this the thing. In my mind. Shall? I do. No I’m not. But then. But then. I call him in his room. Hotel. And I say are you there? Is that you? Yes. What do you want me to? I. I want you to come to the flat.

I say my uncle’s in town. Oh right. He’s going to come over for a while. That’ll be nice, to meet your family. Can’t believe I never have. I won’t breathe that. I won’t breathe this. The shape of what’s coming inside my mouth. Like rats. Like scum. But I swallow for I am waiting just for him. Think this has been years and years. I don’t know. Maybe shouldn’t do it. How can I ask up prayers when. Look will you stay for a drink? Okay. For there’s one part now thinking I should not at all.

And I let her even open the door. He is surprised by that. Hello. Hello have I come to the wrong flat? I share with your niece. Nice to meet. And. I stand just out of his sight. Is she here? Sitting room, go on in. And. He is so white. Threads there under his skin. Blue twists I could trace. Hello. How are you? I’d kiss him but. She says. You know, I can’t stay. But. No. That party I forgot. Sorry to love and leave you.

She get her coat and leave me high and dry. Desert us to each other. Uncle and I and. My fillet self. Full with marks of going wrong. Bang she shut our door behind and. We are quiet in this full room.

Do you want a drink? Yes he says. I’m glad to see you how’s your brother? Going to be fine I hope. I. Sorry I didn’t call before I. Didn’t know what to do.

God his face like a pattern I have seen. Worked my way round with biros and felt tip pens. Since I was younger. Since I was. Thirteen. I don’t remember. Just.

I’m glad to see you is what I say. Something. I know. He will take me somewhere. Will I make him? Come into me. Come into my house. Come in and stop all of the clocks for he can for he can and I know that. Give me a moment. Give me time.

I wanted you to come I say. My My My brother. I needed to. I close to cry. He says stop. I’m here now. Put my hand on his face. Put my hand in his hair I pull it. Pull to almost out he saying there leave it calm down stop. I’m here. Come for you. Dig his thumb in my sides. Fingers for claws. In my. I called you. I said. Where were you? For. What? This. He pull up my skirt. Put his hand between my legs. Well I’m here doing what you want. Put yourself on me then, in me. Pull all other things out. It’s no interest to me and. Throw me. Smash that all up. Do whatever you want. The answer to every single question is Fuck. Stitching up my eyes and sewing up my lips. Will you do that? Say. That. Do that. To me. Yes. Fuck. Yes. Help me. Save me from all this.