Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

You’re here he said. I thought you would be. Look you heard my wife. I’m going and. I know you are what do you want me to do? Why do I do that? Don’t do. Shall I not then? No.

He’s worried this. Face closing over with. Look. What? Jesus. I want. I want. You want what? No. He turns and thinks it. Want what? Tell me. He says I can’t do without this. Without you. Again. I want. Have you a number? I’m over often I. Want you again.

I don’t think, I say I don’t think I don’t know what is I don’t what is if this is we should or, you know. So many things things things curling up in my head. Jesus Jesus.

Look. I haven’t got time. Do you hear me? She’s waiting. They’re waiting. Daughters. Yes or no he says. Yes or no.

I look. Flood my eyes. Because this is a long dark thing to do and cannot be undone. Will I? I say inside my mouth. Can I? Do I want? I. Yes. I. And I say. Do you have a pen? Then. Here. Take it down. Because I have no idea what is right. And I know that he smiles. That he stands with his back to the house. And I look at him. And he strokes my face. And he strokes my hair. And he touches my breast. And says. That’s my girl. I’ll see you soon. And back then he to his own.

I’m as sick as I can be in the car back home. I’m as full of all sorts of things as I am. Was. Know that in the bone and race of me I am wrong different from you. Where is that from? Don’t know. Still so nonetheless. I watch. She sniffing at the wheel and you your walkman in your ears. You’d be buzzing all the way home. She says. Come on children now. Let’s offer up a few prayers for the Holy Souls.

Hail Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy. Hail our life our sweetness and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. To thee do we send up our sighs mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then most gracious Advocate thine eyes of mercy towards us. And after this, our exile, show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb Jesus. Oh clement oh loving oh sweet Virgin Mary. Pray for us sinners. Now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Jesus that. Stink of that. City when I got off the train. Get a lungful of that in you and see how you do, she says cigarette filter fraying brown on her tongue. Thoo pthoo. Looking knackered, alright? Not too bad. Come on with me. Thanks for. It’s a good month is it since I seen you last. Is there loads to tell me? Ah there is oh loads. And aren’t you mighty I say. Coming all this way. In. Not much missus. You are. Well fuck and I am. Now I’d say, a good laugh’s what we need.

Take the skirt off that one says your man. Some man. Later in the night where I am lying. My feet up on top of his bar. We’re all laughing we are. Who. All of us here. Ah now lads my granddad’s just dead. Shall we have a period of mourning? Shall we have a period at all? She roars. We shall we shall. And we’ll drink these whiskeys down for him. A haon, a dó, a haon, dó trí down with it. Ah the neck the poor auld neck. Right in the troat she says. Don’t be splashing they say. Go on lads. Do then. Lock the door. We do. We let them for we’re having such a time. Sure don’t mind the Gardaí they say. They can’t see in. Switch them lights down. I’m dancing dancing twirl my head. On the bar in my slip shoes. Pool and cake of it. Puddles and fag ash stink of sweat. This place smells like shite. Round the I do the rounds on the bar. Kick off that glass now. Kick that one. Into the wall. Would you credit it? One of them says stop. In my burl. I cannot see. Hey stop that you fucking. Fucking mad thing. Them glasses have to be paid for and not by my dad. Not my dad either I shout I say Jesus Christ. Skid the corner wood and almost fall off cut my knees. Easy now. I’ve got you. Easy now there missus she laughs says. Come on the lot of you let’s go up the stairs.

In the dark we are climbing up where electric’s not on. Everyone’s feeling my leg makes me laugh out. Makes me laugh out more and she. Saying cut that quack. Sure we’ll be playing hide and seek. And look for me and I am gone. Backing tiptoe. Moving in the dark. Put out my hand but slip and. Go on land. Shhh quiet slither I must. In the dark hands and knees. Find the bath. It’s a warm spot there. Echo. Hands are warm. Mouths kiss on me. Someone. Faces I kiss though they’re cold though they’re slimy full of tongues. Who. What’s that? They’ll get me will they up between the legs. Who’s there? What’s that? Shall we do in the quiet? Oh now. A mortal sin. You know. Go on empty mouths and tongues and hands and fingers pass me up. That some hurt me with nails on my face. Get me up. Up the. He. Up there. Jesus. What’s that? What’s that? Swig this there. Have it going up my nose sure I’ll snot ribena that’s not what’s that. Ah springing like. Oh. No. Blood. God. Jesus. She’s got blood coming out of her. What of her? Head. She’s a nosebleed this one or something like that. Ha? God yuck sit up put your head back. You know this is only the second time I’ve a had a nosebleed in my life. Gunk sliding. Get the ice you. Rolling in my throat. Go on. Fucking what’s she on. What. Nothing. I never. Nothing like that. Fall back. Think I’ll almost hit my head. He. Who. I’ll go to. I’ll go to sleep. Here. Wake you. Fucking state. Wake up. Get the fuck- up and get out of here and on my behalf she’s efffing blinding. Fuck ye she says. Fuck you fuck you. What did you do to her in there? You pack of knackers. Pack of pervs. Well get the fuck you out of here too they say. Hoors and tinkers stinking pieces of shite. Go and Jesus Christ that one she can’t take a drink. Joke. Oh. Goodnight.

Drag me all back. All the way. Home.

In the morning. Stung my eyes. Awake now? Are you alright? I’m a. And what have you to tell? What? God you look desperate are you she says laying on my bed. Wag fag at me. What have you been up to? He? Who? Just I. I. Jesus Christ you know what. My grandfather died. Well that isn’t the look of you you have. He? Who? Yes. Who? What? I just need a spot of sleep. Well there’s a cup of tea there. Thanks. And I’m staying the week. Oh right. Bastard father did not pay my rent. Fine. Do you know. What? We should get a flat together. Grand so. I know. Tell me what you’ve been up to? Not a thing. Not a thing I say. We fell asleep teas in our hands. Nose full of dried up blood tastes.

I sleep I can barely sleep next to her in the bed. She’s roaring full of it. In-took breaths snorts all sorts wheeze and toss about. But my head’s there on the pillow just in case I can. I am dreaming. What’s on my secret face she sees? Lines of lies and things I’ve done. Oh what’s coming down the road. Through the curtains. He. If I say no I won’t no. I know. But I could but. I think about him. And it would it’d be like? This time. Now that it can’t hurt. Now that I’m stretched I know. What could I do. Well we’ll wait we’ll see we’ll. Go to sleep. Who? Shoo you.

And we do get our flat and we live just the same. Some days weeks time go by.

Hi there. You had a phonecall. Who? Your mother oh. Call her again. Hello Mammy? Oh oh oh. I can’t go on like this I don’t think I can go on she say this way. What? Not. He. So selfish a child of mine makes me drive him pick up after this that and the other. It’s an awful way to. In front of that TV at the end of my tether at the end of my rope. Sorry to hear that Mammy. Hung up before long. Not mine this problem. No.

Well now an exam is it whatsit doing bit of study here and there. About to slog about to slog I am. Why’s he not called? Maybe I’m to forget again. Time. Time.

Ring bring. Chew off the side of my face. Well Mammy. Is it that bad? Do you think so do you think? God desperate. Look I’ll call you next week. I did. For my conscience for my clean bill sake. It was bad for her when her father died. And she want to. Decide to clean the whole thing out. Wound of. And fester we and supposed to help. Not so easy. You must. You and your brother. Speak. I’ll put him on the phone. Hello she’s shouting, make some effort before it gets too late. But also often she says. Bone idle never does a tap. Make me wait on him hand and foot. Let me out of this clap trap. I. But. I go on in. Hello and how are you? Fine fine fine.