Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

He stops. Pulling up. It’s lovely isn’t it here. A very fine. A beautiful spot. I walked down there this morning point. Yes. I know. I saw you go out. Right so. Stop up that chat. Silence now. We silent sit til. I have often thought he says. His voice bring me duffel coats school buses back. Drag me. Like it was. No I’m a long way off from that. He says About you and. What we did. What I did. I did then. Twist my stomach. Look at the rain. I know I’m going in under with him. Where that is? Somewhere. But do this. I think do this. Whatever it is.

So are you feeling guilty? What? About what? About that time when you fucked me? Yes. About that. I feel guilty and I am. Because I was thirteen? Look you’re no baby now. No. So stop with that. You know me. I do. Know you he says. Well. Go on say it while no one’s here. Then. Look, do you think he says. You don’t think do you that. What? I abused you? That you abused me? Well that’s the question to end them all is here. Is here. I stop and going all around I know already but must see it first. Say then at last. No. I don’t. Do you? Think that? At thirteen after all I was still a child. Quiet quiet in the car. All I hear is breath. I always wish I hadn’t he says. All the time? Didn’t you enjoy it? I ask. I shouldn’t have done it and I know that. But you did. I did. Fuck me. Fuck you. And did you enjoy it? Yes. Why am I asking this? And this? Why did you if you knew it was so wrong? Squirm him. I couldn’t somehow not. You were like. You were like. It doesn’t matter he sighs there is no good thing to say. Well then. That’s that. And that concludes this little chat. Your conscience is clear and I won’t be calling the guards. I’m A-okay as the Yankees say. Yes I see. And I suppose there’s been others? Yes. Plenty since? A lot. You haven’t damaged me if you’re afraid of. Haven’t soiled my goods. You’re angry. I’m not. I am not. I. You’ve got beautiful. Well you know growing up does that. What’s wrong? Now. That’s enough for him. I’ve had enough. Because it’s all going merry round and round. In my head. And. But. Still. I won’t say any more. I can’t. But. Will you kiss me coming out of my mouth before I know what I’ve said at all. Will you kiss me? What’s coming next? There’s a bit pause. He look down at his hands sitting flat on his knees. He won’t do I think. He won’t. That’s good. What do I want with. Shame. Jesus. Then he does. As he wants to. Now I see. He wants to. Now. Mess up. Botch this. Conversation. Mouth on. Feeling bluster winds rattle the car. And the cold sea burning over in my guts. And he kisses me til my mouth is sore is red with it. Hurts I remember. This taste of his tongue I’ve not known. Remembered like this from anyone else. Bite me. All his mouth. Not alone. Kiss til. I. He touch me. Go on pull me. He could run right through me now. Riot. This is not like. Coming home. I feel that. There. His lips. I’m. It’s too. Much. Jesus. Give my eyes back. Let me. See. My. Choke. Stop. Don’t stop he says. Stop. No. Stop. I have to make. Myself. Sit back. Jesus he. What. His breath go. Like the clappers. Are we going to do? Go back now I say. What? Go back now. We should. Your mouth. Hurts me. Too swoll he says. You’re sensitive to that I remember from before. God. Be quiet. Just for a moment. Sit. Alright. Sit. Alright. Are you alright? He take my hand. I. Am. Shake. There. Calm down. We’re going to be. I know. We are going to be fine. We should. What? We are not we. Go back. Now. Alright. Alright. Start the car now.

They didn’t look upon us strangely. They did not see us at all. For all about the people descended. Slip in. I run up to the loo there I puke. I should have lunch. My face in the glass. Who’s that I don’t know. I do know. That’s shite. But what happens now? Nothing. Don’t obsess.

Come on. Bang the door. Hurry up you know there’s a queue. I flush and wash my hands. Open. His daughter there standing there. She is older than me and my mouth reek of sick. Hi hello there I’m sorry. Didn’t feel that well. I know the feeling. Yeah. It’s all the sandwiches not enough sleep. True. I laugh think Jesus Christ. She goes on in.

By the coffin. You’re sitting. Falling almost asleep I see. I am guilty. Sit by you. Say have a lie down I’ll take your turn with the body. And you do. That gives me time. Catching my breath in the cold. Hello Granda. Now what have you seen?

The biddies are having their sup. He was a grand man. A lovely man. A terrible shame. Loss to the community. Still. It comes to us all in the end. True enough. But he had a good death and what more could you want?

I sat there most hours. Listen to the razzle of it. Watch him duck in and out now then. Give me a nod not a smile not anything else. See his wife. See his wife and she sits by my. There’s a cuppa are you tired you look a bit pale. Nice for one moment but I don’t feel guilty. I think your husband’s tongue was just in my. His daughters, and they’re sorry their grandfather’s dead. I see him hug them and pat them now love, don’t cry pet. Oh Daddy. Daddy they say. I don’t cry. Not even a morsel. Dead and gone why should I? The pound in my throat not for Granda. Our mother snot quietly into her hankie grasp my hand. For I let her. She’s dreading the moment they take him away. I’m not. See uncle moving. In the other room. Think Oh God. Something. Something’s in me going on.

They carried him out in the rain that night. Made room on the sitting room floor for a gaggle. Bang the lid on. We processed to the church. All them carry him on their backs. Sliding coffin though they’d catch it. If it. It didn’t. But he was well rattled still I’d say. I wore my black. Mother mantilla and you your best suit looking solemn. As we cared. We did not. Neither you but still. I looked for him. He took his turn. One place strange for your father-in-law to be. Heavy. I saw sweat roll down his face. They all did. Fat bastard. Too many toffee chews or that. Dinners. For the likes of him. Now Granda. For all your sins.

In the church we were good. Said prayers and settled him down for the night. Corpse. Night Grandfather and we all went back to his house. Eat and drink. I sat with whiskey thought his jam’s in the press. Clapped into the corner and watched him uncle telling jokes for the laugh of them. They like. He comes quite popular up the ranks. His wife does not some reason. Her smoother brown hair. I think she’s. A bitch. But still he married her. That. I don’t know. That’s something. But me and that’s something too. I drink whiskey keeps me going and he gives me my fill. Have a little one. Do not Madam. Ach he says leave her there. And ever acquiesce she to him.

In the morning. Morning mass and the funeral. Parish priest says what they ask. A good man and a sound man and very continent. Carried up into the graveyard and lowered him down. Throw a rose on top. His daughters. More at him than on. Rub their shoulders sons and sons-in-law. He’s buried. Under the muck. The end. Go on there get into your hole. Amen. And. Amen.

We troop back to his kitchen. And more eating more. Eating him house and home. Whose is it? Who knows? Who cares? Not me. But the biddies clustering. Have one of them ham sangwiches love.

So, that aunt wife says she says we’re leaving. Early. Sorry about that. It was the only flight we could get that gets us back in time for work on Monday. Got to get back. Aye. Well now we must meet up again not wait til someone dies the next time. They all neigh and say the same but I go out. Look at me. I must go out of doors. At this. Go on, you knew, I say in my own ear. What did you think would happen? Funeral’s over. Amen and again.

On the beach. On the stones. On the water splash. I’ll hear it go right through me. Now see. Because he’s going away. I knew sure. I knew that. But still. The ocean comes. I’ll put my hands in. I’ll baptise. I like again. That cold running round my knuckles. Catch it just a bit. Don’t you start. And don’t let the ice in. Don’t you dare start now. A stupid fucked-up thing. Walk and walk it. Go on over the rocks. Put the air in your lungs. The fright out. You didn’t want. Took it. But. But but. It’s nothing now. Forget all that was nothing at all.