Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

That night sitting sitting room. Her knits. Floor balls of wool. You come in. Quiet as any. With The Irish Times. Sitting back against the sofa. Doubled over and knees bent. Flick. Flick through it. Your eyes. Turned about. Think. Talk. And look at me and say. What do you think of that? And see this picture? See yer one? All the things out in the world. And fill your eyes up. Fill your nose. Then looking back and flick again. I saying Yeah or no or so? And pressing on. You. Here what you think? Your opinion of the thing? Aye yes and maybe no not me. Not so interested. Think nice to be left alone. You’re trying too hard. Rubbing me the wrong way. Ho. Sniff. She says and what is that? Read the paper. Since when do you? Who got you up to that? And quiet cross the room you said she did. Point at me. Had a word. Put that flea in my ear. Did she now and what gave her the right? Turn. Now miss. What are you playing at? What? Come back here splashing orders saying who’s doing what. Oh thinking you’re so grand. Off up there at some college. You needn’t come back here to be upsetting him. Your brother is your elder and you should respect that. Are you listening? I am. Almost to the floor. Gobsmacked. Right down there. Excuse me? All these weeks you’ve been giving out saying what a so and so he is. He’s not doing that for me or this or this. So I had a little word with him. Told him what to do. Oh you did did you? Well aren’t you great. And who asked you to or told you or wanted you to? You self-righteous Madam. Looking down your nose at me and your brother. I can tell. We get on. Just fine without you here. Fine without you. And I’ll thank you not to interfere. The cheek. The cheek of it. Snapping snapping. So I got up. Went. Packed my bags. Left next morning by myself. I’ve had a fucking nough of this. Goodbye and then goodbye to you.

I went off back to there and my best friend. Come on. She me go gallivanting. We’ll run riot. Run the best. Ourselves and everyone else into the ground. Going on with. A project we like. That likes us. Bite and chew.

I give mother letters a miss after that. I’m not calling. Coming home. Being good and nice girl as I should. I know. Don’t know what’s the rub of it. And your birthday. That came. So what’s it to me? I think I’ll not. I’ll not bother at all. Who to say I should. You’re twenty- two. Too old for me to give a shit anymore.

After that she and me go back to our work. Drink this. Go here. See him. Do that. Lie across each other’s beds we tell each other sorts of things. It makes us such close friends. No bits pieces left unsaid. And truth now tell the truth we say. Her father felt her up. It makes her red and cry. Daddy still loves her the best but he wouldn’t want anyone else to try. That is love. Her mother’s milky bag of gins under the cupboard. Her sister is a fucking bitch. Always trying to get her in shit. I tell her. Kinds of stuff. About you. My brother’s shy. Patterns of the truth but not it. I. Hold onto that. It’s for dwelling in there. If she wants to spew it out, that’s for her. Not me too. No need to say. What is there to say?

When it was my own birthday. On the day. I am broke. Bloody. I. It has to be said. To turn nineteen. No cash under your wing. She says sure check your account. There could. You never know. Tenner. Fiver. Something you forgot. The wind clip my knees on that street. I stick my number in. Balance. Press. And guess. Guess what you know. There is in one hundred pounds. For me. For me. Hmm. Ssssh. I know from where. So thump my heart. Jesus. He did not. He didn’t. Oh God. He did. You did that. She’s leaping click her heels. We’re grand grand hip hurray. I didn’t like that much. Pilfer pursing my tenners. It was not so much fun knocking vodkas down my trough. I’ve a bad head. About it. Still now. Thinking you made the effort. Look what I did. Not. Not such a nice. No. Fuck him anyway. He’s sucking up. Thinks I’ll get all melted. I won’t. Yep. These are my guns and I’ll stick to them. Yep. I’m sticking. Creeping. I wish you hadn’t. Or I was. But I’ll still spend it all.

I met a man. I met a man. I let him throw me round the bed. And smoked, me, spliffs and choked my neck until I said I was dead. I met a man who took me for walks. Long ones in the country. I offer up. I offer up in the hedge. I met a man I met with her. She and me and his friend to bars at night and drink champagne and bought me chips at every teatime. I met a man with condoms in his pockets. Don’t use them. He loves children in his heart. No. I met a man who knew me once. Who saw me around when I was a child. Who said you’re a fine looking woman now. Who said come back marry me live on my farm. No. I met a man who was a priest I didn’t I did. Just as well as many another one would. I met a man. I met a man. Who said he’d pay me by the month. Who said he’d keep me up in style and I’d be waiting when he arrived. No is what I say. I met a man who hit me a smack. I met a man who cracked my arm. I met a man who said what are you doing out so late at night. I met a man. I met a man. And wash my mouth out with soap. I wish I could. That I did then. I met a man. A stupid thing. I met a man. Should have turned on my heel. I thought. I didn’t know to think. I didn’t even know to speak. I met a man. I kept on walking. I met a man. I met a man. And I lay down. And slapped and cried and wined and dined. I met a man and many more and I didn’t know you at all.

I saw that then. It happened a lot. You putting money in. Here for you. Little bit. I but I never say thanks. I never said. Sorry for that now. I don’t really know what I was up to.

So she called me when are you coming home? We haven’t seen you in an age. Now you will. Come home now. Ah you will. It’s your home. Where you belong. I’m praying for you everyday. Ah come for Easter. Ah you will. It’s been a year. Do. Ah. Do. We want to see you. Should do. Should do.

Sure parents drag you in the muck, through puffs of fag ash on my bed. You’ll make her happy. Why don’t you go. It’s no skin of your nose anyways.

Clippedy clop. Ah train. Going back down there. Those fields. Going through them just like then. Drowned over. Filled up with rain. Even cows drown here. Even sheep. Even people if they’re lucky. Children falling under every year. All the suffocated grass. The world’s submerged in raining. And feel old lady rosaries crossing over me. Like music’s going in my brain. Against me. I would. Push. Away. Get off this shore. Let this chalice pass. That old prayer. Not forget that. Me. If Jesus was here he’d have gone. Running. Screaming with his sandals all flapping in through the cow shit. Oh God get me out of this. No not my will but thine be done. If they could see me saying this. See under my skin. Awful know. The knowledge. Jesus. Poison that. Their lives and minds. Impious me. But see. But see. I’d give sacrilege a good go to be shot of it. Free of it. What? I don’t know what. But it knows me. Give me a good bite in its jaws. That’ll break my neck in time. That’ll have me eventually where I am, it wants me. Crunched and obey. All over. Over there. Those houses passing by. Those bungalow dot dot my conscience. Shall I not do right? It’s a cess pit. A suck pool. Where all dead go. Am I. Will I. End up like them. Live and drown here. Filling my lungs. There’s no escape. Get out for likes of me. Gurgle liquid up. Hold my nose. Fall in. Ah God. Shut up. You’re only fucking going home. It’s not that bad it is. Is. Not. There. Go on. Give over with all that then.

That station I know it. It’s here. I’m yes that’s fine. Hello. Hello. Lovely to see you. Yes. Something. What? What is it? We had some news. Yes? Your grandfather’s. Died. Oh. In his sleep. I know it is a dreadful shock. Oh terrible. So. We’ll have to pack the car. Go north for the funeral. I haven’t seen him in a good what fifteen years. Oh Mammy. And true she looks dread. Hug her. Think well at least I’m glad I’ve come for something even this. She hic and cry. That old bastard. Get me all stirred up. Riled. But still. But still. Hello. Yes. To you. Standing. Strange what was that? Off a bit from her. Something of your look gave me. Something. What? There’s a bit. Something. In there. Anyway. Hello.