Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

Those mash potatoes I like. At home with mince meat and peas. Burned. I like those the most. It catch me in the throat choke good. You’re so sullen I say what’s up with you? The computer game’s stuck in the tape thing and I can’t play again until it’s out. It’s boring God how can you play that? Stuff. Numbs your brain. Can’t help it. Just like it. I’ll show you later what it does. No. None of that she says. I don’t want your sister getting all sucked in. What? I won’t. Sure I’ll have a little look.

And do and you talking like wild. See this fella he does that. See this fella he kicks him. See now. Hit. That button. Go on. Now. Now. Now. A back flip. Isn’t it mad? Isn’t it brilliant. I say. It is. And my lips. Addictive in my mouth. Definitely blanging that one down. Bash him hard into the floor. You saying left one right one that’s it now and more forward get the hang. I. Hours of it. Hours of fun. Like we were Han and Luke again. Piddle fingers in the puddles. It’s stupid game. It is. It is. Is it not life and death. We roll about the floor. Getting awful kick from this. I’m above I am not. Not tonight. Together. You. I.

She’s narking though. I don’t notice first. Business of wearing my skirts to the ground and make-up. Then the jits I get from going without a drink. A little sup is what I’d like. I must not. Do not here. Go on a bit of Christmas wine. No. I hear her saying. Not you too now. Off at that. That nonsense. What? Every night. I never see my daughter now she’s upstairs. Playing computers thought you had more sense. I thought I had one with the sense they were born with at least. What? How do you mean? All that rubbish up the stairs. I bought to be writing programmes or whatever it is. Not for that. For fun. To pass the time. It’s a waste of it of God’s good fruits. I don’t think commodores were hanging on the tree Mammy don’t start. Don’t you be cheeky. I know you look down on me but I’ll not have irreverence from. You especially. You’re not too big. To? To what? To. Leave the room.

And again. Something else now. Salting her. What it is? You and your brother. You’re not babies. God knows I have done my bit. What’s the problem Mammy? Say what’s wrong? Well. You know. I’m sitting down here on my own. I’m on my own here. Every night. I’d think you could spend some time with me. But. Mammy. Oh you’re your own woman now. What does that mean? Well you know well Miss. Makes me craven sudden. Double up. What has she heard? Ah no. She’d say. If it was that. Sure. Yes she would. She would. She’d go spare. She’d not miss me hit the wall. Oh you don’t think much of me. What I believe in. But you need not give your distain. What? So blatant. Bad as that. What? Like that. Brother of yours. My mouth pulsate guilty. Why what do you mean? Oh nothing. Nothing. Who am I to?

Growl about it all the weeks I’m here, she does. I can tell. It’s to push me off your side. But. Still. I don’t know. We are not the same. We are something else now. Shift. Allied in other places than we were. Games and stuff and fun that. I see it first then soon so much. And she is saying more than she was behind your back. There’s a flea now, for your ear. My ear. I think about it. Bed at night. I’d justify. I throw. Mercy mercy God on me. There’s so much. Dredge up so much muck. I’d drown in that much shit. I couldn’t put a face on that. So listen, I say to myself. Listen careful to what she says. Listen. Hear it. What the words are. What’s going on under them. Don’t fight her. Hear that. God I know. Go on. This is it. She wants. I will do. She want that I’ll rifle through your flesh. So now go. Ask her. Mammy? Say it right out. Is something wrong while I’m not around? What’s the matter? Oh. I hear.

He’s got this job and he won’t drive but won’t get a lift with yer one and he won’t give me his pay now and won’t move to his own and he won’t help around the house and he won’t fill the buckets clean the fire and his bin is full of sweets and he’s getting tub now and he won’t go out and he has no friends in and computer games morning noon and night and he won’t make the dinner even if I’m at work til all hours and he won’t even throw his laundry out and he won’t make his bed and he gets raging if I say and he kicked my washing line pole in two and he won’t clean the drains and he won’t put up those shelves and he won’t take the hoover out and he is eating curry noodles late at night and makes me wash his dishes up there’s something wrong he’s so unfair and I always did my best for you and worst off he won’t come for prayers or on Sunday go to mass says Jesus shove it up his rear I never reared ye to speak like that and what shall I do with him what can I do he’s a grown man he’s twenty-one and sometimes I wish your father hadn’t died that he’d had enough gumption to be a man it never would have been like this I know we’ve had our difficulties but you’re such a good girl that I know I know I must have done something somewhere right what did I do to deserve this treatment?

I did try. I did try first. She won’t hear. She will not. You know Mammy something’s wrong. You know there is. And has been. She turn her eyes from me. I am not supposed to say. We aren’t. None of us. A secret that we. Must not remember. I can’t do. Say that. And I do know. She won’t bear. It. Somehow she think that’s not the truth. Better so lazy than. What? That’s a trap. Leave it undone. Unsaid. It is true. But then? And so I say. Not. Nothing on this. Yes maybe nothing’s really wrong. That’s an excuse. Yes. More. I like that. It’s, has been a lie I carry. Yes. I made it all up in my head. It is not it is. Yes it could be. Very well. How do I know? It was a long time. Broke a statue so what? She could have said anything then. Do I remember? Do I? Ha. So. Maybe not. Maybe not very well. Now. Some inside revolution I made. Turn the world about. So. On this day. I begin again. Again. It’s easier and I breathe it in. Yes I will not know you very well or what inside’s working right or wrong.

Cluck my feathers. Puff them up. Think. Right so. You’re a fucking bastard. Actually. Fucking useless now I think. Carry on. Your rubbish. As though she hadn’t had enough. You selfish fucking bastard shit. Just make her life misery and your own and my. Think I’ll brave you. Tell you where you’re wrong. Shall on her right side knight against you.

I am in your room. Saying. So tell me. What’s all this about? All this shit of you not doing this and that. This room’s a pigsty. It’s a hole. The smell of it in here. The stink. Your feet and you. Dried up food. Jes. Us. Open the window God. You turning. Say what’s up? What? I. Look at this and all your clothes you know. She’s not getting any younger. You’re the only one at home. You’re not a baby. I know. Then what are you going to do about this carry on? She can’t be running after you all your life. You so bone idle. Does it all revolve around you? Sitting playing computer games. There’s a whole world out there you know. You show no interest in anybody else. Not a civil word or help around the house. You know. Bring in the coal for her. Do the dishes. At least your own room should be clean. Is it you blame her? You were too lazy at school, is that it? Is it? You’re not such a hard man now. No one to blame but yourself. Self-pity. Self-indulgence. Get up off your arse and do something with your life. Read a paper now and then. Or. Are you stupid? Have you no friends, little wonder. Who’d hang round with you? The state of this. Get yourself a girlfriend once or will you spend your whole life stacking shelves?

I like it you said. Running out your eye. I just like it it’s fun to watch them doing kicks. I think I’d like to kick like that. I practise it when there’s no one in. I hiyah’d the clothes line and it broke. But. By accident. Not. On purpose. I didn’t know how to fix it but I tried. I propped it up. It was all rotten inside. I’m sorry. Sorry. I’ll do better. I will. I. Do it then tomorrow. I. Don’t be angry with me. Eyes in tears sniffing. You are so dissolved. Sop of them sitting hiccing in your mouth. Now’s not supposed to work this way. Just thought you liked it kicking too you say. You and me isn’t it just? Like when we were little playing all that stuff. Before. Clap. You know when you were thirteen but I remember we did have great games. Oh God. What have I said? Wilt guilty my own badness swilling up to my head. Bleeding through. Don’t move. I can’t. Anyway. Just get off your arse and pull your weight. That’s it. Jesus. What have I done?