Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

Narrow. I’m running. Between the trees. And the woodlands here and something primrose on the hill. It’s the spring what’s wrong here is me me me. Me the thing but I. Think I know. Is that the reason for what’s happened? Me? The thing. Wrong. Strangling it is. Me. I have a juicy puke down like tsunami from my head. In the blackthorn in the hazel over there over there. Came out up all over. Carrots and peas. I paint what. Did I do? What a thing in my insides. Just sit still I say.

So afterwards pick out of my hair glue strands phlegm bit insides no better than. I shake. Feel that dizzy. Sit but alone. With my vomit. Behind eyes blunt. What I’d be. Demure. If I could. With handkerchief blot ducts not glands race pump tears out and snot and fear like garlic through the skin. Out my mouth like a mad thing raving clawing out my eyes. This wrong doubtful body should not have been mine. Mine was. Not this. Was perfect. Once. Drag the. I will and sit and drown and drown if the. Come water. Over land. Swallow up. Swallow me down. Drag me in the gullys. In the pipes please and the drains.

I called your aunt. Your uncle and aunt. Asked them to come. No. I want. Somebody here. You. Do. Of my own. I’m. And they said? He said. He? They’d come. Next week. How long? What? How. Long. I. He didn’t say I just want my family with me. I am. You are my. Daughter much good that’s showing to be now. Well thank you. Your aunt. My uncle will. Just keep clear she says. You I say, of me. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. You and your holy joes. What they must think she says I don’t know. I don’t care. The future in future. Keep yourself to yourself when they’re here. Nobody wants to hear your cheek. Nobody cares. For that thanks for that I say. Peel the skin off why don’t you, rip it from my bone.

How are you? You not much open your eyes. Tired I’m sleepy. I know. Have to I get up. Have to go to work but my eyes. You know it’s grand, they won’t expect you in yet. You’re here, play star wars here I’ll get the tub you say. The men. I’m Chewy I am Luke. You’re. Maybe later, I don’t think, not now. But I want. I. Wanted to. Do that. I. Want to get up. I. Alright. Lean on my. On my arm. Pull the bed sheets. Bed sheets back. Swing. There’s the ground. Fine you’re. Lean on me. But I have to. There. Come on. Come on. You weigh. The weight you weigh on me bricks and stone. But. If I let you down. If I let go. You’d fall. You’ll fall. No I won’t. You will but sure, I’m here.

You and me sit. Swing our feet. Watching TV. Watching films I bought. Here. Some sweets. Some penny sweets and toffee chews you like them I like them too. Don’t slobber. Don’t drop them on the floor. What’s that? Feet up. Hold your feet up. Your feet cold. Touch. Look you’ve an in-grown toenail there. Where? I’ll cut your toenails. You what, you say. You’re an eejit, cut it badly when you did it yourself last. I get my clippers. Get a piece of kitchen roll and snip snip. You hurt me. You say. Hurt me there. Point down to the foot I see. Little blood swell on the top. Jut. Blob the very edge. I. Sorry. Kiss it better. There now there. Amends. I push toilet tissue under the nail. What. Raise it. Just up enough. Thhh stings a load. I know I know but that’ll make it better soon. I’m better soon. Be better soon. I know I know you will. Shh now. Everything. Now that’s enough. But hungry I’m so hungry. What’ll I make you? Beans on toast you say. Hey fruit of the musical ha ha musical fruit good for your heart the more you eat the more you. Ahh ‘sgusting ‘sgusting boy. The musical fart the musical fart. You never used to. Don’t tell on me. Won’t. Don’t don’t. Don’t be sssscared. Fooled you. Made you look made you stare made the barber cut your hair. I look you look. I look at you. Good to see the smile of you. He cut it long he cut it short he cut it with a knife and fork. Didn’t know you liked hair so much I do. Beans on toast. I’ll. Ha now that’s enough. That’s enough now. Just sit there I’ll bring them in.

Now the window now I look out there. Smells of Fairy and damp matches stink in here. Hot swamp with condensation. Roll. What I’m. Help. I’m doing here. Light the gas just and put the pot on full.

What’s the day? It’s the day that they come. I know. Waiting. What. If I see? I’ll. I’m in the window. Nets. No. Like a stomach I’m sick. I. Is that them? Pull up. Red car. They. It. Is. Yes them. How’s his hair wet? It is. Curls. Curls a bit. With her handbag on her chest. Jesus. Cut her in half. I’d slice it at the neck. And he looks up. Don’t see me. Pats her. Cat. Close the door love. Go on in. I’ll lock up. See me standing. Look down. Looking at me. This is not. I see him well enough. Bastard that he is.

Get the door. I can’t. She goes instead and I’m just standing. Twist the usual. Twisting my hair. Where are you? Sleeping. Don’t do that but. No. I hear her come in. I don’t know what to say says our aunt. Put their arms round each. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m just worn out. There there. She is comforted. I am standing on the stairs. Mammy catch me with her eye. That one there. Too much for me. Now says the aunt, we’ll sort out all these things. I’m sure she’s a great help, isn’t that right? Don’t you want to be a help to your Mam in her time of? I. Come on in and sit down you must be exhausted from the flight. Put on the kettle you. Aunt touch my back says your mother’s overwrought. Try not to take what she says to heart. Yes I say. I put the kettle on.

Where’ll I stick these bags? he asks. Oh I forgot about you, just so pleased to see your wife. Come in come in. He is also hers to hug and kiss. You show your uncle their room. Come on, it’s upstairs.

Your room’s there. Aren’t you pleased to see me? Touch tips of my hair. Are you not going to speak to me? You can’t ignore me the whole while I’m here. I. What did you come for? Bring down that tin of biscuits from the wardrobe she shouts I’ve been saving them since Christmas. Mammy which? Those Danish butter ones.

That’s a quiet dinner. But least I made. Mashed potatoes and beans with a few rashers I grilled. Lovely plain dinner. Could do with a few fried onions mind. Ah one of these days she’ll make someone a lovely little wife he smiles and I don’t at all.

He is sitting on my bed. What are you doing here? They’ve both gone out. And what are you doing here? Your mother said she wanted us. You have to go, here’s not the same, she is, me, I’m not that. I want you. Not here all that’s done. I want he says. No. You to leave with me. No. I came here for. No. You need me. I don’t. Touch. He does. Don’t touch me. All that’s done. I’m much cleaner better here. You’re not. I’m something else and I can’t. Not here. That’s enough he says. And he wants. Loves to get me by the arms. Get away get away. Leave the fucking. Spitting out his mouth. Say. Leave me fucking lone. You’re the one I. No fuck you. Don’t you think I. Fuck you. To me you’re not some. Fuck you. Fuck me please undoes his fly. No. I. Shut up. Hurt my arm I’ll. Just be quiet. I won’t be long he says. I shut the light out. Shut the air. Hurt wrists to breaking. Fall all his weight. Is fine. I can Fine. Hear him say, you know I know you now and to hurt you very well. Push it up. Me. I am dry and blind. While he goes on. Crushing all my bones. I refuse to breathe. Ha! And only when he’s done let the light come through. I’m. Kiss my mouth. Get away from me you. That is the last time. The very last. You filthy bastard fucker cunt. Or cunt. Is me. For all time forward. For search he through my body rub. In the steeple. In the head. I’m. Now I’m. The wrong again. I shall. I’ll. Calm and kind. Not dirty bitch. Feel. Jesus. That’s it he says. No off get off. Just let yourself. Stop. You done in me what you done. Too late for frigged off making come get off. Please leave with me. No. I said I’d stay. I say to me my. I. I said. I said I’d never leave. Now peel his body off to kneel and while he will stay off I pray. Pray this will all be gone.