Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

And you, he have me. By the hair. Slut always you can’t you keep your knickers to yourself. Let go. Slap me. More than ever before I. God my face. The. God my eye is coming out it seems. Falling over in the. See whore, what you done? Dragging through the nettles brambles. On to the path I. Falling in. Like I can’t see. He. Fuck you shake my head I. Don’t. Please. He slap again my. Seeing. Falling through the trees I’m. Falling. Catch. My love. He says. My love for. Shut the. Love for you. Is nothing I say and stretch my hands up til they tear the air behind. Til they burn on nettles and thorns barb wire. Do to me what you always ever wanted please. My head is singing. He kiss me. Please my don’t make me do that again. I’m. I’ll sing a song for you I say hobble with my sight. I’ll sing. I’ll sing. I am I I’m nobody’s fool. I’m nobody’s. Nobody’s fooled. I am I am I am I am. Stop that. Never stopping sing again. Where’s my. I can’t notice anything stumble. Til he stops til he touch me til he. What you doing? Stop leave me. Jesus. Bit me. Below the neckline of the dress. The. Bite. Hurt that. My breast. Through the stupid white my bothered skin. See blood come. Rings I think of teeth flower. You. Don’t. You don’t. Again. My lovely girl my love my. He says. Look at me. I’ll always have you in the end. Because I love you. Shut up. Best. So so so so? Well fuck you then. He says. Wipe up that. Put your bra. Fucking state you’re in. Don’t know a man loves you. Don’t know. Fucking mental that you. Dirty cunt like him. Well I liked it and I fucked it and I wanted it some more. You fucking. Shut your. Caught my, the roots, in my scalp like they’ll rip me. Coming. Uncle loving coming. Coming. We to. Home.

In the car driving. I won’t take you in like that. Look in the mirror. Your mother brother aunt and. Jesus. I open car door. I can leap. Out. Swerve. Sit the fuck back in. I need the. Hold it now. Just wipe your face. Sit back I said. Sit back and put you seat belt on. Hahahahahahaha. Fucking stupid face. I’m. Shush. I’m off the world I need a think I think I need a drink. I still feel your disgusting run about in me, I say. Stop that talk you’re not so. I’ll tell your wife I’ll show her what you done. The smell she’ll know it’s you. Disgusting you are you know you always led me on you won’t say a thing. I. Won’t. Say. If you hit me. If you tell me to. I do.

And we get to the house. And he got me by the arm. And he threw me in the door. And he said. I got her home. And he said. Go you to bed. And he said. Stop playing up. And he said. You’ve one last chance. And he said. You mother doesn’t need antics. And he said. Now no more fun. And he said. Your brother’s ill. And he said. You selfish madam. And he said. Now act your age. She’s up to all sorts, that one. And they clapped they loved they worshipped him. I picked up sticks out of my hair. Dirt up off my tongue. I felt the loving smears go in. The loving blood. I felt water rushing in my brain. I dead the heart. I am for you alone.

I went in. I knelt next to by your bed. I put my face in the hook of your arm. I said please please you help me. I thought. I knew. You’re dying soon. I wished for you. All the very good. Your life was better than it been I said I love you. Please tell me you love me. You sleep. You sleeping. When I know. I think your face the very best. When we were we were we were young. When you were little and I was girl. Once upon a time. I’ll mind you mind you. Now. Not then. And I genuflect your quiet bed. I kiss your face. Leave the room. I’m going. Sleeping. Just like you.

I the morning. I the day. When the air was. The air is. Today. Today. When the bones hurt no I’m young. When the everything’s sitting like. Right. What’s happened? For the radio’s somewhere play. In the house. I’m in the house. Today what’s that? Today. Say. Play. May. There’s coming up out of my heads. A. Sssssssomeone’s coming. Wwwwwho’s a dddddoctor. Who’ssss going to. Lllllllook at mmmmmy love. That is. Yyyyyyyou. I’ll wash my. Clean my. Hide. Honour or the privilege of. Fuck-up. By my side. Your side. I know. Go down.

There’s the kitchen air stink like fat. Mounging their breakfasts. Globle it up eat that eat that. They aren’t look don’t look at me. Like the look of me. I have my breakfast and I go in to see you with a scrambled egg. With a scab of bite marks on my chest underneath it all.

Your eyes shut on the pillow and your soft head. Hey morning you there. How are you? Not. Grog your eyes. Sleepy. Wake up wake up now. It’s me here your. So quiet you do. Hello there that’s my sister. Yes. I am. Are you alright? Hungry? I brought you something. What? A little scrambled egg. My favourite I love it. It comes from a hen. It does. It surely. Now have a little bite. Spoon you. My sweetness. I spoon in and wipe and lift. I tilt your head. There forward bit. I have my tender love for your sore head. For your dreams in there for all the things that are good to sleep for. Forget this house and world and stuff. We now. You and me.

The hours come. They come. Over all the clock. Around with time. I am sleeping my face on your quilt. Hear the doorbell ringing. Know the cock has crew. Oh come in. Make yourself. Sit down. Our mother opening the door. In. My daughter. Dr blah and blah. If you want to sit there. Shall we leave you? No you can stay. Doctor is she? Hello. Stand up. Don’t mind yourself what happened to your eye? I fell and hit my head. It looks sore did you put some frozen peas. Don’t mind her doctor. She’s grand. Well take it easy the next few days, sit down. I do again next to you.

This is a lovely peaceful room. Yes it is. My daughter made it before she. How nice. Round the bend. Well it’s a hard old time for everyone. Hmmm she but she. Yes. In the end. And now your name? What’s your name? she said all soft to you. I’m doctor from the hospice. This is my first time to you and I’m very pleased to meet you. Meet you you said. You’re tired out. I am I am. There’s a pulse in my mouth going round and round.

She took her things out things she need to do to you. And took your pulse and hit your knee and asked the day and date of week and you didn’t know those things at all. It’s alright she said sure when you’re not out much it’s easy to get confused isn’t it? Yes you say. And I was glad she said that. You smiling. Have not. In some time. Checked for bedsores. For stretch marks. I see. The weight you’ve put on makes flesh like rips under your arms and on your stomach I see. Like claws gone in lacerations and pulled off your skin. There she says some cream and says that’s the steroids. Smooth your blankets out.

Tell me how you feeling? You say. I’m so tired now. All the time I. Wish I’d watch television I’d play some games with the other boys if ever they came round. I. Shush there, let him tell me. And how does it feel? Your head? Nothing I don’t think anything’s up in there. Nosebleeds? Headaches? Vision getting blurred? No. When I get better. Sssssss that fills me so I get worse. How do you think you are yourself? she asks. I, you say. Haven’t I? Haven’t you what? Cancer somehow in there. I clamp. You do, I’m very sorry to say she says. Will I give it to my children when I grow up? You won’t. That’s good. And then silence here. Waiting. Swallow ocean. Waiting for. This is a moment when I want most to be dead. Face into the water or lying on the bank. Not around for this. Coming here. This sunny afternoon. This. When you say it.

When am I going to get well?

She says.

You’re not. I’m sorry to.

Am I

this silent moment you say,

Am I going to die?

You are.

She.

Clearer in this moment than you have ever been.

Sooner or later doctor?

Sooner. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to have to say.