Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

Tonight I sit with you. It’s. It’s fine. I. Secret in the whole house sleeping I am. Awake. And you are mine in the breathing. That breathing in and out remembers lost or quiet things you always wanted. Yes I remember those things too. Don’t you like me best here doing things for you? When you breathe I know what you reply. Yes the. That’s the. Come up to the lamplight. To. What you say you will. Anything at all I. I would slavey on my knees or tightrope cross Niagara Falls. Would you like spaghetti on toast from me on my head at dawn? I would and you say. Oh afternoon have I slept all day? I. No sure it’s middle of the night are you okay how do okay? I’ve just to go to the toilet. Shame you cheeks to say this word. I. You don’t have to get up. I’ve to. You can do what you have to there. Shut what a thing to say. Give me a hand. Up. I. Listen you’re alright there. You say. What? Your face red. What’s that? There there I say. I have to go to the toilet. You can go there. I. No I can’t are you gone crazy? No believe me you can, sorry. I’m. You have to. No. I can’t lift you anymore. If you won’t help me I’ll. You can’t. What’s the. Something. Words words. I’ll go on my own. Your temper that’s the devil up. Normal almost sight again. Pull the bed but melt like water. Gone to hell. All your muscles. You’d give me a hit but can’t. I. There. Lie back. Lie back. You have to. Don’t do this you say. Don’t. You have to. And I turn away. I say. Just go don’t worry it’s. Normal now. It’s fine. You. Strapped up in your body. You don’t live there. I. Don’t look. I hear you. Crying. Going in the nappy. Rage. Not fair. Not fair. You wait til I’m well. You can definitely kill me then I say.

Quiet.

Turn and you are back asleep. I. Know I lift the cover. Clean up. And now you’re gone fast far. Breathing. Don’t see me. Don’t know I do. New one. Clean you. Put it in the bin. See. My one act. I might be a person. Beneath the. Where horrible can be a good act of contrition. Shush there. You there sleeping. My boy. My brother. Wish my eye for yours tooth for your tooth. You’re a better. No. It’s all fuck gone. Gone to the gone to the wrong wrong wrong. Be shush for you. I can.

Three days three days going. From here. Where’s the time and everybody. All around here like. Tapping all the time out one two three. You there sleep go down to that. So we are going into the end. I am. Pool. We are where the blind go, I think. Cool cool days. Not a breeze even here. I’ll be there. See. I am. I am. Already. It’s a thing. It’s a thing. Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of. Fine. Fine fine. We’re. That’s your breath. Yours is. Watch it. Catch it. Catch it all the time. I’m. Watch that. We are. You see. Be here now. I see the curtains flap in it. Puffing dresses. Ghosts. Like big and pregnant. Takes the breath flip flap away. When I was little girl. Open up the door. Let the sunshine on. What’s that? Do you see that no you don’t. I see you. And you’re so quiet. Like a still. Like a Oh. Creeping on the floor. Spiders and flies.

Where’s it going where’s it going lights turning on they’re not. I’m safe of, cured of now of that. When I love you that’s all gone off where it should do. Out. He. Knows me. Not to choose. Though we smell each other all day long me she aunt he. There’s no room for him in me. Or thing we did. Million million years ago fell off the planet. Good. Safe within my healed up eye.

But.

She said you should go to mass. Pray for. Me. Think I might do. This is the time. Sunday go. Sit rove praying. Not like when I was little long ago though, when I was some other thing. I bow my head. But the words of prayers are come coming into me as I have never been gone. Gone from praying or the house of God. You take away the sins of the world. Have mercy on us. Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world. Have mercy on us. Lamb of God you take away the sins of the world. Grant. Us. Peace. Fill my shallow breathing. What I could be. Be granted peace. After all this. After all I am Mary Magdalenish. I would wash with my hair, wash away sins. Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed.

After communion, after go in peace to love and serve the Lord, thanks be to God I step out of the church. Immaculate blue sky. If I carry my state of grace Hello girleen I thought it was you. Who? There is a man, sitting on the wall smoke out stub of fag his face black and blue, wrist in plaster arm in a sling. Not. Yes. I don’t know if I see. Girleen girleen. What? Nice uncle you have there. Desiccation of faith, where’s it going. Where’s it going? Gone. Fuck you I say. Mouth going pound. We’ll see about that he says but I’m already down the path glazed and shame before my eyes. I want you. I want to be home and when I am inside I do not think of him again.

New days. Sometime. I’m. Forgotten what’s the past. And the doorbell rings and I answer the phone and the world’s filled with people always doing something wrong like saying where you’ll bury him, you know when he’s gone? What? Well will it be a car trip or up the road? I know he hasn’t long and I need to book the time off work. I. Don’t know. But I laugh like I’m shot. Bang. Spray me about. I like that. For fun if you can or not for fun.

Next days. Fuck the future up. The undertaker’s come for a good cat chat. Fat. I’ll make the tea for him. I’ll say I’ll close the door, so you won’t hear. Him our mother gentle bawling aunt gumped in a heap. Uncle arms on my back saying I’ll pay. Do anything. Do anything you want at all. I want? I. Shut up. He says you know what I mean. Something simple. My boy. Mammy. Have I slept at all? I remember once. What. What? Wood. Brown. With a crucifix. With a plain white lining. With a plaque with the date and his name on top. My boy. Mammy stop. Leave your mother alone. It’s hard. Shut up. Will you be wanting music? I asked the church choir if they. Did you? I did, she says. When was that? Don’t grill me. Your mother’s tir. Alright shut up. Play what you play. Nearer my God to thee. Be not afraid. Flowers lilies roses white for him always him my. Brother. My son. And the funeral parlour? We’ll be keeping him at home. Yes. On the evening of the second day you can come. We’ll lay him out in bed til then. My brother. My Son. And people can pay their respects. I’ll make tea and scones aunt. Thanks for that. Not the time. I. Bite my. So we’ll process him from the house here. He’ll be carried on the shoulders of the men. I want, I say. Of. The. Men. Amen. To the end of the road and then driven in the hearse, who’s talking? I think our uncle might but I’m. To the church. Yes, very good I’ll see to that. And up out of me is all I suddenly want to know. Is he be buried here Mammy? Where? I’m taking my son home. Home? He’ll be buried with his grandfather. No. Yes. He’s my son. But I. Too bad for you. When he’s gone sure you’ll be gone. Back up the city doing your own thing, God knows, so I’ll bury my child where it’s good for me. I’ll join him one day. I. But I. See your mother’s point of. Fuck off you, uncle. He doesn’t belong to her, he doesn’t. All that you care Madam. Not that. I’ll want to. Don’t you bother telling me about you Miss.

I feel the lights but I’m going lie down by your bed. I won’t be stuck up. Anything I. Want to hold your hand and let them what they do I. Understand the end’s the end. I can. Have you now. There is so little time.

Hey, do you know me? I pinch I pinch. I say. Do you know me? Wake up. Please. Please. Do you know me? I know you. Good. You know all those things I did? No. Your eyes rolling. You do, I’m sorry for it. They were the wrong thing sorry I sorry I did that to you. That’s alright you say in your going to. Wait. Don’t go to not just yet. What’s the. Falling your eyes falling in. I love you. Do you know I love you? I saying I. Yes. Do you love me? Hold on wake back. Come back one minute. Do you love me? I. Do you love? I do. There now. They open the door. They stick their undertaker heads in. He say I like to see them while they’re. Shut up. He’s a fine looking fella God love him he’s a fine looking man.