Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

I run. No. To get out quick I. Out of my way. Run the run the. To the door. Down the street and on til the house rips out of my head. Where the what’s the. Something fix this. I know to fix this. I want. And I fix this place where I can run. This gouge will drive me mad. Where’s comfort where’s safe. From here. I run from where you are not.

The pant of it. In the dank of. White shooting streets cars by. Lungs heave up blood they would if I. Hedges. Don’t stop running. From my. Stone walls and schools and hospitals. Eyes burn with thud through arteries and eyeball veins. Street lamps curling light. Restaurants and pubs I twisted that. I hear. My tongue. I hold. My scream mouth shut. Turn the little road. This little road. Go in here. Now you. Go in the. Black.

Across the lake the lights of cars and bikes and roaring off somewhere I’m here. In the dark. Where the lights. Where the water. Calm and kind. Benevolent with thorns and stones I. Know. I smell the same. As something. Once is me. Where I walk. Don’t think. Where I’m not frightened. Face of the water. I know. Face of the grass I lie in. Lay broke upon. All these times. Where I come to see the. What’s. It’s the devil. I do here. Said you would not yes I will. Shsssh. Before I’m well. Before it’s time. Swallow glass the whole way down.

Where’s everybody now? Where the. This I must this. I. Don’t. I do. In my own. This the blister. Doesn’t matter. Nothing wrong with. Don’t be I’m not. Frightened. Hear the. There must be someone in the. Do to you here. What you. Shush. I hear no one no one here for me and so I make. The gravel. I hear make. Some. Picking stones don’t look make. My. Someone coming I make. It look. Down from mountains and hills. Angel save me. Fill my mouth. Comes. And so I make. He comes and comes til I see. Through the broken trees. Through kicked down weeds and nettle all the same. Through eyelids I have. Close. I make. He says out from the twilight. From my brain. You’ve come here. I know. Quick and should be done. Give myself to the. My will be done.

He says. I’ve been waiting for you. Days and days. I knew you wouldn’t be long. Where’s the. Not. Looking close til I see him in the dark. Behind my eye. That man whose face is broken up. That man whose face is scratches and cuts. That man who say girleen girleen like a song. I know something. Your family love you very much. I. Wrong. But you’re here again. Don’t think it not you. Say it. I’m here again I say. Hear him. What I’ll do to you. No. He says Thanks for all my pain. I. I’ll fuck. So you’ll know what I mean. Don’t know. But. Get off me. By the wrist and the hair on my head. I’m. No this isn’t. No I. Slap. My brother. No. Shut up. Shut up. My brother died. He’s died he’s. I don’t care a single fuck about. Where’s your uncle is he here? Is he here? Scream until I. He. That means no. Enough of that and strike. So hard. Home. On my face. Spew I think of blood or words I bit down on my tongue. Turn the eye off it won’t. Perhaps. He punch the bag me stagger. From. Now for you. You aren’t leaving here. I. Don’t that. Slap me harder. Never speak again or you’re die and gone. I. Comes the black is fallen down. He got. Thrash. Can’t see his faces hands fingers in my eyes. My nose. You’re hurt me. This is my. Make. Dragging by the gruaig. He is I know. Across the stone my legs to flitters when you pulled me up the stairs. Breath. My eyes I can’t. Full of my own hair. Screaming. Shut up. Is that me I am I. I think. There’s a my body he push back. I’m. Fling rubbish thrown I am am I I. Falt. Where until I crack. Break my. Face. Head. Something. Smash. On a stump. Where on the back of my head on the back of my back my back crack that’s my eyes fucking up with tears. Scare me. Punch me there fright. Stop stop it you are who are I do I don’t want. I want to. Not this I don’t not for me what he will. You. Jesus. Got. Jesus on his knees pull me up pull me. Fuck. Not. Fuck not. Help. Grab me. Fingers of my skin. With his filth hands I hear. All the sounds tonight. Raddle fuck in my head. Tonight I hands up my. Knickers up my. Hurt. Not me Jesus. His nails too sharp are you. Did that. Did I make. Stop. Don’t don’t. I changed my. Jesus he. Not. No. Jesus me. Rips the I think dig them through my leg he. Spread fucking open up you sick fucking stupid bitch want the fuck you just like this I. Kick the kick. My heels dragging blood through the muck. Want to catch to prise to lift me. Save. Off off him fuck off me off me. He’ll. Pulls me up away. Kill. Me. Rake my hands I fingers in the dirt in the stones up my fingernails. Stones powder clawing them to. No. Get off. They’re off fuck knickers off. Fuck. Whore. You. He pulls like mad I I. Hear the sound. That fly. Zipping. Fuck out. Spring it out. Thighs in claws I vice. Rip m open. I make this. I make this. Undone he push my face hye pusk my head. My eyes flat of his hand. In the skull my. In the muck my crown of stones. Don’t break me open face open. Crushing I hear boines on done he up me fuck me. Smeeling he I don’t not do this I a don’t know he’s fuck me. Stucks the fck the thing in. Me. In. Jesus. I nme. Go. Away. Breeting. Skitch. Hear the way he. Sloows. Hurts m. Jesus skreamtheway he. Doos the fuck the fuckink slatch in me. Scream. Kracks. Done fuk me open he dine done on me. Done done Til he hye happy fucky shoves upo comes ui. Kom shitting ut h mith fking kmg I’m fking cmin up you. Retch I. Retch I. Dinneradntea I choke mny. Up my. Thrtoat I. He come hecomehe. More. Slash the fuck the rank the sick up me sick up he and sticks his fingers in my mouth. Piull my mth he pull m mouth with him fingers pull the side of my mouth til I no. Stop that fuck and rip. Scin. Stop heeel. Tear my mouth. Garble lotof. Don’t I come all mouth of blood of choking of he there bitch there bithc there there stranlge me strangle how you like it how you think it is fun grouged breth sacld my lungs til I. Puk blodd over me frum. In the next but. Let me air. Soon I’n dead I’m sre. Loose. Ver the aIrWays. Here. mY nose my mOuth I. VOMit. Clear. CleaR. He stopS up gETs. Stands uP. Look. And I breath. And I breath my. I make. You like those feelings do you now. Thanks to your uncle for that like the best fuck I ever had. HoCk SPIT me. Kicks. uPshes me over. With his brown boot foot. WitK the soLe of it on my stomik. Ver. Coughing my. Y hard. He. Into the ditch roll in gully to the side. Roll. I roll. For it. He. Turn on the. I. Hear his zip. Thanks for fuck you thanks for that I. hear his walking crunching. Foot foot. Go. Him Away.

I lie thisright place for me with my fingers ripped onthebody Mine is Lie in the ground faceWhere I Right for meyes. Think about your face. Something. Shush now. Right now. FullofslimeThere better now. And I am. Done with this done. Fill the air up. Smear the blood up is there any no no t reeeeelly. My work is. I’ve done my I should do. I’ve done the this time really well. And best of. It was the best of. How. Ready now. I’m screaming in the blackness. Scream until I’m done my body. Full of nothing. Full of dirt the. I am. My I can. There there breath that. Where is your face off somewhere. Where am I lay down this tool. I fall I felled. I banged my face head I think. Time for somewhere. Isgoinghome.

I get there I get. I get to the door. I am. Bleed blood on my mouth. Gone. My I know it’s there. Was. Salt and iron. Gone. I lick tank taste water taste brack there I. In my gob. Vomit on me. Gone. My hair. But in my eye. Just all is there is in my eye gone. Gone it back to. Bed. But the silent. House in there I know. Bleed my knuckles find if I. Something. Key. Hear the swarm hear the queen in the hive I. Turn the handle round about I push the glass door goes I go. Go in.

Under your door I know they’re. Swaying sing on you doing. And you are scared by if you’re awake that. Not you no that there’s I. Forget. You are. Gone. You would be though afraid of that. Aunt are here. Is here. They in there no not. No nright mright rong wrong they won’t be there. But I will I. Me me. Will I get in this room or go orgo or goon wash myself blood I know that my cheek no there isn’t. My mouth. Plunged and red and purple swoll like a lemon melon swoll like riped ripped like shreds my tongue my salt my. Who kissed me? Burn of it god that torn. Open the door. They you who are there?