Eimear McBride - A Girl Is A Half-formed Thing

I hold your hand that was hot and sweat when it was smaller and would fight with me. Stump of nails and stupid. Short they are. I notice this. I see. I see you. I’m there I here. Now. And even here it goes. Your palm. Cooler. Calm when I have it in mine close. What your feet doing. Still growing your hair. Still growing your. Stop that. How’s the ingrown nail I’d like to see. See. Stop it doesn’t matter. Here. Shush. Cough a bit. You. Don’t wake up. I rest my face down on your shoulder she. Stop that. Sit up. Sit up he doesn’t like it. I won’t. Leave you and me alone.

If thou oh lord will open my lips.

My tongue shall announce thy praise.

Incline to my aid oh God.

May the lord make haste to help us.

They sing. Rosary like a lullaby like a song. I know well. Keep off my breath my head and your rising falling shoulder whisper to you I’m here as well as fecking eejits. Don’t forget that I am here.

The door aunt uncle come. Sit watch too. Asking hushly how you do and does anyone want? Then they are terrible and subdued in the corner where they hold hands. I do not see. I am holding yours. I am holding your hand close. My love. That’s the best in the. Ssssssh to me. In the land. Couldn’t help ssshhh. I’m here. Think I think all about, all I can, about you now.

In an hour. There’s still time. There’s still. Some time. Your hand is getting colder mine. I see. You are going white. Wait wait. I’ll tell you. It’s all wrong. It’s not.

I whisper in your ear over psalming going round. The world around the room around. Tell you every perfect all I can. There’s a story now you know. I done it all. I did all for. There’s a story. Have it for your own your. Entertaining God when you are gone. Do that. And remember me when you come into your kingdom. Remember me when you’ve already gone. Today. Is still here. I’ll be. At your. Right. Hand. And will you tell me when everything is done? Everything is done. You are. Ready happy go to. Bed. You are my.

Bite.

And all your. Sudden body. Where’s the. It. Comes for you. Come blistered breath. You. Strain. I see. Your heart I see your chest is move is moving is time to. You are. Struggle. Where the air in. Let the air come in it won’t it soughing out. Gushing like water. Where’s the. Your face that eyes are open wide. See the land and all above mine. Your eyes are where are. They look. When and a tinge purple on your cheeks choke the purple blue. Across your mouth. Across your lips. I see your suffocated eye. Please don’t go no. Not. Go. I. Please don’t leave. There’s the. Air flying out. Your eyes on me. They. You are.

Silent.

Breath.

Lungs go out. See the world out.

You finish that breath. Song breath.

You are gone out tide. And you close. Drift. Silent eyes. Goodbye.

My. llllllllllllllllll. Love my. Brother no.

Silent.

He’s gone. He’s gone. Goodbye.

No. Oh please. My.

Done. And. Quiet.

And.

Gone.

Where the sky burst. They started to cry weep the cry out Oh why oh lord oh why. Shut. Your will be done not mine no let mine let mine.

My tears coming blind my eyes my. Face of me. You’re white as. All this sudden. Moment back. Where have you gone. Breathing. White your face is not like that. New the awful of the. Awful you. Stop the. What’s that? Nn. My heart. Comes broken now. Broken off in me. Some flake falling off the sky. Off the. My. You. Where the day is light the sun come in. Give me. Not your face. You’re. Marble in the mountain. See you. I touch your. Awful face. Cooling like. I don’t even think can’t even think. Do that. You’re making my hands cold. My hands for warm you. Not only. No not this time. The only. I put my face. Inside your arm. Hold the wave of the the. Ocean of that. Torn me. In two. Save. Clinging on the. No. No one. Drag me down.

Who am I talking to? Who am I talking to now?

In the afternoon the undertaker came his hands are ready. Wrap you in your sheet and he and uncle put you in a coffin. Put the lid on tight. Put you in the hearse back. He take you away. We can’t clean. We won’t do those things. And fill you with formaldehyde. Cleaning you all you away. Later. When they’ll bring you back here. Again.

Goes goes the holy joes. Going to spread the good clean word. Going to say what a good death you have made. What a saintly. What a sad. Young one. Gathered to himself the very best. Left. The shit and trash behind I sit on the kitchen chair and someone give me shepherd’s pie. I sit on the kitchen chair. I sit on the kitchen chair. I drink my water. I’ve gone to the blank. I’ve gone to the. Gone to the. Eat some more. You’ll need your. My eyes are burning up the inside of my head I’m. Something gut the insides something. Pulling out the entrails something. There. Something there. He slurp the chew the. Mince. Like dog sucking marrow in a bone. That mother of us took to her bed. Hear her there. Screaming there of. My son. My son.

I lie on the carpet floor. I. Hear the bedsprings go. Where she thumps them where she batters. Where the walls are banging. Where the ceiling’s banging. And aunt upping down the stairs there there. There there. It’s a trag it’s a. Nothing.

I am sitting in the toilet talking to talking to the. Smells like moulded is like. Fungus creeping up the shower curtain. Fat like vomit. Growing there. Knocking on the door. He. Are you? Come out of there. Come out of there. I’m. Washing my face with my hands I’m. Coming out. I’m. Come.

I am crouching by your bed they’ve stripped the sheets the bare. I see that. Mattress. You were just there. I rub it with my hands I. Smooth it. Your. It. Bed. That you sleep on. Everyday. That you’re sleeping. Smell that. Every. Day. Come back. Not. That’s the. Shush. Is it him? Touch my head. Touch my face. Your poor eyes what have you done? Nothing. Shush shush darling. Leave me alone. Scratched them. Left. I. I am. Left alone.

I kneel in my room. Where I pray that. Where I pray that. I pray that. I. Who’s though who pulled out my tongue? Don’t let the air in. Don’t. Hours and hours going on and on. Till I close my eyes I keep them shut. I know where the darkness goes.

The doorbell ring again again now. This is the day when the heavens and the deluge came. For they’re coming to say sorry they’re. I heard about. I brought a wreath. But it’s only a few hours since. I hear the hum. Of buzz of them. The everyone who ever knew are coming in are coming in. And someone’s making sandwiches and someone’s pouring tea. Not. I’m not. Kneel on the carpet rub my skin to burn. Someone else can let them in. I’m

Hours and hours passing. Bursting house with all the sorry ever heard. All the flowers they fit in. All the Virgins Child of Prague the Sacred Heart St Anne I. Can’t. I hear. I. I hear the coming like it’s miles away. He pulling in the drive. Hearse. That uncle going out and rustle all them. They’re here again. The body poor boy’s home again. That’s that how it should be. Would you let them in. I hear them stagger. And cross the threshold with a coffin scratching on the doorframe. All the. Way. In.

I think I’m sleeping now. Come down to pray. Get down and pray for your brother. If you cared at all. The house of silent people here. Me. Gone to the dogs she is my mother say. I. Go into the landing.

I can go down the stairs I. I stare into the candle light and cigarette smoke was here. In the kitchen. Not in here.

You there. Sleeping like you never gone. Not. I’ve not seen this face of yours so pale before. Where’s the kicking and the little man. Where’s that bad auld temper and the and the. You’re not here. Not like that empty face. Not. Un shakeable not un. Fightable. Come in say the rosary. No. That’s not. That’s not even a bit. Come in say the rosary. Like you. I. Can walk in that room. Where they part for me. Looking in the. She the creature thing who. I put my hand down. I put my hand on. No it isn’t. Put my hand. Down. Put my hand. On you. Like a. Something. Cold and. Wrong. You. No I get up. I have to leave here. Come back she shouts. Back in here.