James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

I know dad I am just saying, it is after school for the Trials. Ye have to get the bus to the school playing fields and ye do not get home till half past six or else even seven o'clock.

Well what is wrong with that, if it is seven o'clock, yer mother will stick yer tea in the oven.

But da it is no my tea it is my job, I have got my job.

My da just looked at me. He did not know what I was meaning. He did not think of me having a job. He even forgot I had one. I told him how if ye did not go for the training and especially if ye did not play in the Trial games then that was you because how could ye get picked and if ye had a job, well, ye could not.

Football is not everything, said my maw

I know mum but it is just how it would be good to play but if it is Tuesday and Wednesday night for the Trials and if ye have a job well ye cannot go, it is just not fair. And even after that when ye get picked ye have to do yer training one night a week and it is straight from school ye do it, so ye just cannot go, so really, if ye have a job then it just is not fair, so if

Oh for Heaven sake, said my da.

No but dad

Kieron, for God sake.

And my maw just was looking, her forehead all wrinkled up, not knowing what it was, just worried. Oh what have ye done Kieron? Oh you have done something, what is it?

Mum I have not done nothing, except just what I am saying how if it is the Trials.

Oh Kieron.

Mum I have not done nothing.

My da was looking straight at me, just a hard look, as if he was giving me a row. But I had no done anything, so how come a row? I was just saying it, ye just could not get saying it, they would not listen, they just would not.

I went out the room. I did not slam the door, but closed it. I listened a wee minute but they did not speak about me. My maw would not stick up for me, if it was football, it was all just silly Everything was just yer studies, yer studies, and my da just said it for her, he did not back ye up.

Mr Ramsay was our PE teacher for football. He used to play for a big club. He had good style. His first name was Charles so Charlie Ramsay. Charlie Ramsay. When our classes went for outside PE it was him reffed, so he knew who was good players. He joined in playing and nicked the ball off ye when ye were running, then hit a long pass way down the wing for the other team, hitting it with the outside of his boot, and how it swerved and went down there for the other players to chase and maybe they would score a goal. It was good how he done it but he was the ref so ye were not expecting the tackle. Maybe if ye knew he was doing it ye could have got the ball past him. So it was a wee bit no fair. But it did not matter because if he done it, if ye were a bad player, well, he never done it. He only done it if ye were a good player. So if he done it to ye, ye knew ye were no bad.

He was used to real training with real teams and probably that was what they did. He did not even tackle, just nicked the ball off yer foot. Ye were running with it and that was what he done, his foot just took it away. If he ran with it ye could not stop him, ye tried but could not. But he ran with his arms out and ye could not get near him else ye would get punched. If the referee saw it that was a foul. He done it with his elbows too. How could ye tackle him. Ye could not. But he was the ref himself so just done it.

He did not talk to ye like the old PE teacher for rugby. He just watched what ye done. Some smiled at ye or said yer name, but Mr Ramsay did not. Sometimes he was looking and did not see stuff. A boy said, Oh he is in a fantasy world, he is dreaming about the Cup Final, he has just scored a goal.

Well if he did, me too, and ye were on the train to school thinking about games, oh if that pass came to me instead of him I would just break down the wing and if somebody comes with a sliding tackle I shall just flick the ball up and jump over and just on and on maybe cut in and slip a good pass through so yer team scores a goal, and they all clap the one that scored but really it was you, it was you done it, and ye just give a wink.

I was going to say to Mr Ramsay about the Trials. When we were going off the pitch he was coming last. I went to do it then did not. I would tell him after, just I could not even go to the Trials. I could not even go. So that was not fair. I would love to go but I could not, because of my job. But I would love to go. I just could not. I would love to. Maybe if I done my own training or if there was other times or else days for the Trials. What if it was Saturday? Only I had to collect delivery money on Saturday afternoon if the folk had not paid me on Friday night. Saturday morning was football for the BB wee team. It was good but just wee. If it was the school team I would rather play for that. So I could do it on Saturday after all. But Sunday was best if it was Sunday. The BB liked ye going to Bible Class then every month was Church Parade and ye had to go marching with the uniform. But I could just chuck the BB. It was Friday night anyway and they did not like me and Mitch coming late because with the job. So I could do it if it was Sunday.

This games period was the last before dinnertime. Ye took showers because ye were muddy after the game. Usually I was out the changing rooms fast and waiting on the bus back to school because if it was ten minutes to wait ye done yer homework. Now I waited round the teachers' gate. Mr Ramsay came out wearing his outside clothes. I went to talk to him. Oh sir, I said, I am Smith in yer class.

Smith?

Aye sir yes, if

Then I could not speak hardly at all and just got a red face. It got worse so I could hardly breathe. I could not. It was in my throat and I was going to choke and having to gulp for a breath I could not get a breath and Mr Ramsay was looking at me and did not know what was wrong, just squinty eyes, how his eyes were squinting. What is wrong, he said, are you having problems? Are boys waiting to get you?

No, no sir.

If it is bullying? Do not be frightened.

No sir.

My voice sounded stupid. He did not know my name. He thought I was getting bullied. In that school, as if it was me, if I would be bullied, I would never be bullied. He did not know it was me. I was the one he nicked the ball off. So I was a good player, else he would not have nicked the ball off me. But he did not know my name. Just son. What is wrong son are boys waiting to get you? No in that school. Never ever. There was nothing in that school it was just a total complete nightmare and I hated it the worst, just the worst, the very very worst, it was the very worst, ye could not imagine how bad it was it was just whatever was the worst thing, worser. Ye could not even talk and if yer voice was just how it sounded and they were just looking at ye and even if the teacher did not hear ye. What did you say? Are you having trouble? Are boys bullying you?

No sir nothing, boys are not bullying me.

Because if they are.

No sir they are not.

Oh well good, and he was seeing his watch now because with the bus waiting and it was dinnertime next.

Oh sir just about the football sir, the Trial games for the school team, I cannot go because I have got a job, how it says on the Notice Board Tuesday and Wednesday for the Trial games how if the teams are going to be selected at the Trial games and I cannot go. Because if I cannot get to the training sir and then the Trial games so then if I have no to get picked that is not fair.

Well, try your best for one of the nights.

But I cannot sir except maybe if the training could happen later on maybe after teatime, that would be the best time sir if it was not straight from school, if it was maybe the evening. Or else the weekend maybe if it was Sundays if it was the afternoon sir.

Well I do not think that can happen but you know it is not me who organizes the Trials training sessions, it is Mr McCutcheon. He is the man you should see.