James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

The kitchenette door is locked and the windows are shut.

Oh but could ye not open them?

But they are all shut, even the wee ones.

Oh ye got in the last time. Oh my man will kill me, oh I have got to make his tea, oh the baby is there, what will happen? Oh why can ye not go in?

So if it was my fault, that was what they thought, Oh he is not opening the door for me. But it was not my fault.

Then if ye got caught and yer da gived ye a doing. If they asked and my maw and da were there I did not do it. They did not know I done it.

But if the people did not give ye any money. Some did not. Even ye told their children. They still did not. So how come they did not climb it themself if they thought it was easy and it was nothing? If ever they asked me again I would never do it, that was what I thought, I just would not do it and did not care who it was.

Except my grannie. But it would never be my grannie.

But what if it was my maw? If she was down at the midgie with the rubbish and forgot her key and that was her and she could not get back in the house? Oh Kieron I was just down at the midgie.

She did not say midgie it was midden. I was down at the midden and forgot my key and I am locked out.

Oh well it is not my fault if I am not to climb the ronepipe, da just gives me a doing.

Or else Matt, if he forgot his key. I might have climbed it for him but maybe he could do it himself. Maybe he could not. I never saw him climb the balcony. Maybe he done it when I was not there. Usually he was in the bedroom, swotting. My maw did not like me saying swotting, Oh it is studying. You should be studying as well.

We had a new teacher, Miss Halliday, and she was a true moaner. That was all she done. If ye were drawing in yer jotter and she catched ye doing it, Oh stop that drawing, jotters are not for drawing.

She only liked the top division and if ye were up in the high desks. Ye had to speak right all the time, Oh it is not cannay it is cannot, you must not say didnay it is did not. If it is the classroom it is not the gutter. It is the Queen's English, only you must speak the Queen's English.

I was in the top division but in the low desks. She did not like me. I sat beside James McCulloch now. He made a lot of smells and ye said it to him. Was that you?

No.

Oh aye it was you ye made a smell.

No it was not.

Oh away, it was.

So then he got a red face. So it was him. It just annoyed ye when he done it. People thought it was you, Oh Smiddy f****d. That was Gary McNab. He just said it out loud so everybody looked.

It was not me, it was McCulloch. He always did it. Lasses were there too and they smelled it. Imagine doing a f**t with lasses there.

Then if they thought it was you. That was McCulloch. How could ye say about that, ye could not.

How come he did not keep it in? People tried to unless for a laugh. But McCulloch was just.

Imagine being his pal.

People did not say f****d in my house. It was a bad word. But not a swear word. Bad words were not as bad as swear words but quite like it. Gary McNab thought f****d was a swear word. In his house they said pumped, his big brother too. Other ones said pumped. But that was a funny one because if it was a lassie, if a lassie got p****d, so it was a swear word. Oh he p****d her, that was swearing.

But if it was a smell, Oh he pumped, then it was not, it was just bad, but not too bad and ye could say it.

In Podgie's house it was f****d. His maw said it too, so he just said it. In Mitch's house it was pooped. When Mitch said it people laughed. Who pooped?

Ye got rude words as well. Some rude words were bad words. But some were not. Belly was rude but not bad. Ye could say belly. Sometimes I did. Only if I was out the house. In the house it was stomach or tummy, my maw only said tummy. There was some bad words I could say. T***e and k***h, b*m, d****e and c**k. But I never said them. The same with f****d. Out the house people said f****d but I did not. I just did not.

There were other bad words I did not say even out the house. S***e, a**e, p***k and f***y.

Some bad words were like swear words. F****d was funny because a lot of grown-ups said it, Oh who f****d? One time on the train a man said it to his pal, Oh some c**t has f****d.

Who let off and did not let on? that was what my da said.

Some lasses said f****d. When I was wee I said it to my maw, Oh is f****d a swear word?

She got angry and said I never ever was to say that word again. It is pimped, you have to say pimped, Oh I pimped, pardon me.

I never said pimped. Matt did not either. We just said made a smell, Oh somebody made a smell.

Ye could never say pimped out the house. Imagine the boys hearing. It was just complete stupid. Nobody said pimped except lasses. Lasses said it in the class too. Oh who pimped? Who pumped? It was just daft. Imagine ye had a pal said it. Who pimped? Well ye would no have him as a pal.

Some words were not rude, just bad, nearly as bad as swear words. If it was yer thingwi, yer p***k or b**ls ye could not say any words, no in the house or if it was the class, except thingwi, Oh he hurt his thingwi, if the ball hit ye for a rupture, oh my b**ls, ye could not say it, just yer thingwi.

F***y was a swear word, a lassie's f***y. So was h**e. Oh did ye get yer h**e? that was swearing. So for a laugh we used to sing.

Oh I want my hol

I want my hol

I want my holidays.

People looked to see if lasses heard us singing. Then if I was singing it too. I was. I could sing it if I wanted. Hoi holidays, that was not swearing. If it was a hole in the ground and ye were digging it. So I just sang it too, it was just a laugh.

***

Matt got an old bike off Uncle Billy but my maw would not let it in the house. Oh that dirty old thing, it is filfy. He had to keep it out on the landing on top of newspapers. My da said if ye were just to clean it up, that was the first thing.

Oh but it was very very heavy. Ye carried it down and it was sore on yer shoulder. The wheelguards were not working good. The front tyre was hitting in and rubbing. Ye could see it was all scraped. The chain came off if the wheels spun round too fast. Ye could get it back on but it just came off again and yer hands were total manky. It was a thick sticky dirt, all greasy, it went on yer jersey and trousers.

Matt got fed up with it. Oh it is just blooming useless. I telled him how Rona Craig was in my class at school and her big brother was great at bikes and what if we showed him it? But Matt did not listen to me. He kicked it on the back wheel. Oh do not kick it, I said.

I will kick it if I want it is my bike.

Well it is not the bike's fault.

Oh shut yer trap.

When he carried it up the stair it was all dirt over his trousers. He got angry at it. I am going to sell the blooming thing to Joey Johnston. It is just a fawnti.

Joey Johnston kept old bikes. He got bits out them or done them up and selled them. People said they would not buy a bike off him, but some did. He stayed round the other side of the scheme from us. His house was on the ground floor so he had the wee garden at the front. He kept a lot of stuff there. The neighbours did not like him doing it but if it was his garden. He covered it all with old blankets and tarpaulin. What if ye jumped the fence and knocked something? Oh but ye would not, ye would just be too worried to try it because if he catched ye he would batter ye. There was other Johnstons too, that was cousins. So if ye ganged up on him they would just gang up on you.

People said he stole stuff. Maybe he did. I did not like him. He was not old but grumpy grumpy all the time. If ye went to his close to see his stuff he just swore at ye and telled ye to f**k off if ye were no buying nothing. Gary McNab flung a stane at him one time and he was going to grab us.