James Kelman - Kieron Smith, Boy

Or what? Stew and mince. He got the most meat, yer maw always gived him it. You just got carrots and gravy. And he got the biggest puddings, bigger than my da as well. How come? My maw gived Matt the biggest in the house. My da just looked. The same if it was a piece, if my maw was making us one, he got the thickest slices. So if it was a piece, I made my own so I could get good ones, I just looked for the best slices, I just dug down inside the loaf and I got them if they were thick.

And I made the supper. He never made it. But I liked making it. Because I just gived him the weest, toast and cheese or else scrambled egg, I gived him the weest plate and then seeing his face, he used to see what everybody was getting. So if it was my maw's and da's, he could not say nothing because he should get the weest. But if it was mine and he saw it was bigger, oh ye just felt like laughing. I sat down with mine and I nearly was. If I had laughed he would have got me. He would have punched me on the back or on the shoulder. They would not have seen him doing it. Usually I took first bites out mine so he could not see the size.

He would not make the supper. He was lazy. I thought that. He did not do stuff except if it was studying, and my maw and da did not make him. With me they did. Oh away down the shops for milk and potatos, oh take that rubbish bin down the midden or else peel the potatos. Oh Kieron you peel the potatos and will you please set the table. If Matt set the table he just put down the placemats and the knifes, forks and spoons. I done everything, cups for tea and milk and sugar and all plates and then salt. Oh but if it was Matt, oh no. And then all his stuff in the bedroom, all just lying under the bed, and his socks and pants, he just threw it all under, and my maw had to get it for the laundry basket. So that was not fair, if I had to get mine myself, he never got his.

Or else the window side. How come he had the window side? He just took it. I would have loved sleeping there and then at nighttime maybe with the curtains open for the moon and stars. Except when the light was too bright coming in because it kept ye awake. Or else if it was a loud storm with thunder and lightning. Although that was alright, ye could just lie there and think about things. When my da was in the Navy they had the biggest storms and thundering gales, the waves coming over the bows of the boat and if ye were not careful they seized ye and carried ye overboard. Men were lost at sea. Some of his pals went overboard and if that happened they could not survive, no even if the Captain and everybody knew they were overboard because they could not turn the boat back, it took too long, it had to go on a big wide circle to do the turnabout so the ones that fell off were already drowned and lost forever.

Or if it was up north at the Arctic Circle and it was too cold if it was winter and they were dead in ten minutes. Or even one minute. It was exposure. And how cold it was too, so they would be a block of ice. Nobody could dive in and save them, their body could not take it. It had to be lifeboats and maybe they did not work if it was too bad a storming wind and ye could not launch them or else if they capsized. The Captain would not waste more men for the sake of one. That was what happened. And ye were there in the water and yer feet just going up and down and oh what about sharks or what. Ye were just having to watch it, and seeing the boat too, getting farther and farther away, the lights getting lower and lower, going into the distance, if ye tried to swim after it and yer boots were too heavy, all the water getting in, if ye were wearing big wellies, the water filling them up and dragging ye down for a horrible death, so ye had to get them off, just treading water, keeping yer head up, unless ye just dived down to do it, that would be the best thing, so using yer two hands to pull them off.

Or no wearing wellies at all. Ye would not wear them because why, because what good were they? Ye had to wear them when ye were wee. I hated them except for going in puddles but they gived ye hacks and it was just sore the whole day. They were hopeless for other stuff. Ye could not play football with them and never climb an inch. Imagine wellies and climbing a ronepipe? Even a tree. Ye could not. So the same if ye were a sailor. If they could not grip the deck ye were best wearing something like whatever it was, just the best for gripping and so if ye fell in they would not fill up and drag ye down.

That was what ye wondered, ye saw somebody drowning, they had not the strength to keep up. Yer legs just gived in and that was you, ye sank down, having to take in the water once yer breath ran out, right down fathoms and fathoms right to the bottom of the sea. Or else if ye just floated, if yer body had no life left in it, it was all gone, so maybe it went back up to the surface. Ye saw some bodies like that, other ones just went to the bottom.

Some did and some did not. So how come, if one body did not float and another one did? Matt asked my da that. I cannot mind what my da said. But maybe if seaweed dragged ye down, all twisting round yer ankles and ye were trying to escape but ye could not and ye were just making it tighter and tighter and ye could not breathe and the water was there and just waiting to fill up yer lungs. It was a horrible death.

I liked it when my da telled stories but he did not do it much, only when we were wee and he was home on leave. Most times now he did not speak or else just got angry at stuff on the telly, if darkies were winning all the boxing or if it was Papes in the pictures, all the time it was Papes how ye never saw Protestant Churches on the telly, just Chapels, he got annoyed with that or if he made jokes if it was Priests or else in a Chapel and people were all lighting their candles and kneeling on the floor.

Stories about boats were good. I liked hearing them and reading them too if it was an adventure story and people were sailing ships but no if it was submarines or the war, I hated stories about that. I liked them about pirates and the olden days, treasure islands and the Coral Sea. I was telling the boys how ye could swim down so deep and the water was just so clear, even at the very bottom ye could open yer eyes and just see what was there, fish that were just how they were, and all the sizes and big big mouths and the skinniest bodies, just thin but with the sharpest kind of shark's teeth. And all shells ye blew into and were like bugles in the BB band, and if ye found old hulks and boxes of gold coins that were pieces-of-eight and skeletons were there guarding them with all scaly fingers if ye had to push them to open the box and the seawood all trailing.

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Climbing was the best thing so if ye saw a good tree or what. If it was a different building. The Church down the hill was great-looking and had wee different roofs for jumping right up to the Cross at the top. Imagine ye could climb it and get on with both hands or if ye could stand up on the top of the wee toty bit. Oh but how would ye balance? Just one foot on top of the other, ye could maybe do it that way.

Even going someplace with my maw and da I still looked for the best buildings, and if the roof looked good, what was the best way up? If there was not a way ye got a funny feeling, so the building was not friendly. Some buildings had a face and were friendly. The school building's face was a robot, ye could not see if it was friendly. But the back of my building was friendly, ye saw that, it was just friendly, ye would never fall off it because it would not let ye, it did not want ye to fall.

But then the Chapel too, it was friendly How come? The Chapel only had one roof but it did not have a pointed part, it was complete flat but with a wee slope. So if ye climbed it ye could run about. There was a lot of windows up high. If ye lied on the roof and looked way over the edge ye would maybe see in a window, if somebody held yer feet. Imagine ye did and people saw ye? The Donnellys were up my close, they were Catholics, so if they were there and just looked up at the window it would be me. Oh there's Kieron!